~~Morning Thoughts--Life And Thoughts Post~~

This morning I dressed in dark colours--dark like my mood. A beautiful black leather bracelet. A silver ring set with a black diamond stone. Long, tight, dark grey slacks. A silver and black necklace. A black shirt with a shiny black belt around the waist.

Dark.

Sort of sexy.

Beautiful.

Elegant.

Sad.

My hair barely combed, leaving it soft, fluffy, and kind of wavy. Bedhead. It still looks cute. Hell, it always looks cute. Mew, and all that.

Now that you have the image of me in your head, I'll tell you about what has been on my mind this morning and about how last night ended.

Adam sent me to bed, angry and disappointed. And he had more than a right to. Yesterday, he spilled his heart to me. He told me how perfect I was. How I made him feel. How much better I was than other girls. How happy I made him. And...He asked me something. I will copy it from memory.

Adam: Will you be my girl....Forever?

Me: That..sounds a lot like a proposal....

Adam: Just say yes....

Me: ....Yes.

I told him yes.

Maybe I just said yes because I wanted him to be happy so he'd stay with me, but...

You know, I did want to be with him. I did love him, as much as someone like me could.

And I really didn't deserve him. I never did. My imperfections, while not always obvious, can sometimes outweigh my perfections.

And my selfishness is a huge, gigantic, overly apparent flaw. You know me, though. I try to be good, but I want something for myself after giving myself up for most of my life before now. I just want happy, to be alive.

And that's the main reason I'm with people nowadays. The main reason I say I love people or give up my body.

So I can feel alive.

Because, if I'm alone, I go numb again.

And I hate being numb.

Last night, Adam sent me to bed, without telling me whether he'd be here today or not. I'll check. Find out tonight.

Writing this, I have an ache in my chest. I miss him. I hurt him. I really did hurt him. And....And I don't know what I can do to make it better

I can't erase my mistakes.

I can't erase my past.

I can't make him forgive me.

I can't go back and choose.

I can't retrace my steps.

I can't make him stay.

I can't make things better.

I can't make myself less numb.

I can't make myself what he deserves.

I can't be anything different from me.

I just can't.

I'm sorry.

So fucking sorry.

Mi dispaice, Master....

Mi dispaice...

I've also been thinking about other things, besides the thoughts of Adam and I.

I can't remember the what the quote was, but I got it from Criminal Minds. The gist of it was: The strong suffer in silence.

Ahem.

I suffer, but definitely not in silence.

So does that make me weak?

Perhaps it does...

I share my burdens, causing others to carry them with me. So does that mean I would be stronger if I didn't trust and tell people about my pain? Would I be stronger if I didn't show the person BEHIND the diamond curtain?

I do not know.

I do not think so.

I admit my weaknesses.

My mistakes.

I accept the punishments for my wrongdoings.

So does admitting my pains make me weak?

Does it make me weak, or strong?

I suppose it's all a matter of opinion...

It could definitely be weaknesses, as I am causing you, my beloved readers, pain by sharing my burdens.

So, that means I'm a lot less strong than I thought. Trying as hard as I can to be okay. To not make mistakes. So please understand I'm weak. Accept me. Don't judge me.

And please don't leave me alone.

I'd die on my own....