~~A Time of Drifting: Life Post~~

What am I doing?

These days, it's pretty much impossible to know. I don't focus. I seem to be constantly drifting. I'm scared and tired and lonely. I'm no longer screaming and crying at night, but other that that I'm still majorly hurting. I'm surviving, not living. Even though I saw Ted last Wednesday, I'm still fighting numbness. I don't know when I'll get any better. But, hey, I will be okay. Things are just hard, really hard.

And Ted, as much as I love him, is not helping. You see, he has officially started hitting on another girl.

Allow me to explain.

We're in an open relationship, so he's pretty much allowed to do this, but...

I left Adam for him.

I abandoned my old life for him.

I hurt someone extremely important to me for him.

And, an open relationship or not, this is SO NOT THE FUCKING TIME FOR HIM TO HIT ON ANOTHER GIRL.

So not the time for him to talk to her when he's with me.

So not the time for him to sit on the bus with her and try to grope her while I'm texting him wondering where the fuck he is.

So not the time for him to want to set up her and I together.

So.

Not.

The.

Fucking.

Time.

I love him deeply, and if this makes him happy, then I will allow it.

BUT he has to smarten up.

This girl goes to his college, and is in some of his classes. They ride the bus home together.

Therefore, he sees her a lot more than he does me. So they talk a lot more.

Bad sign.

Very bad.

Well, it means he has someone to talk to besides me, but...

I wish he could get a guy friend, because he doesn't have that. I may be a gamer girl, I may be boyish, I may be crazy, but I am no guy. I also wouldn't get jealous of a guy. Besides, it would be SO good for him....

I love my boy. Would not trade him for the world. I just want this to be...Better. For both his sake and mine.

You know, I'm not entirely scared about him leaving me. I'm pretty damn awesome. ;3

And I will always be awesome.

And, the girl isn't half bad. Her name's J, and she seems really nice. She's agreed not to go anywhere too far with him, and to keep me updated on what he does when he's not with me. I like her, and she's assured me she will keep him fully aware of the situation.

History class is over, so I promise I'll post more later.

Hopefully about the teachers stopping extracurricular activities including the Gay Straight Alliance....

I'll talk to you at home, my loves.

Thanks for listening.

--Little One