~~Because I'm Selfish: Confessions Post~~

Because I'm selfish
I want love
More than I deserve

Because I'm selfish
I want to be held
By people I can't have

Because I'm selfish
I want the best
But I can't have the best

Because I'm selfish
I hurt the ones I love
Because I want what they can't give....

Kiddies...I....

A while ago, I ran back to my old Master.

I know I said I wouldn't.

I know I promised....

But my will broke down....

I'm sorry....

Adam, I'm sorry. I hurt you and you never deserved that. You spilled your heart out to me, and I couldn't give you that back....I wanted what you couldn't give me, and because of that I broke you....I can't fight the fact that you are the guy who made me a sammich when we first met, who petted me and who's hand I almost bit, who ran his hand slowly down my body, making sure everything was allowed before touching me....I can't fight the fact that you're the one who first saw my body, who told me my lips turned him on, or the one who made me feel better than I'd ever felt...

I can't fight the fact that you, even though I've never met you in real life, have changed my life.

I can't fight it.

I can't forget.

I can't let you go.

You make me feel alive.

You make me feel perfect.

No one in so long has made me feel that way....

I'm so sorry, Adam....So sorry I couldn't be the girl you deserve.

Forgive me if you will...

Or not.....

I hope you get over me one day.

I hope you get better.

I hope you find someone who can truly give you all of herself, instead of just pretending to like I did.

And, I'm saying almost the same thing to Ted....I hope he understands because I really need someone right now and he's the only one I've got....

But......

I don't deserve him, either, do I?

Because I can't give him all of me.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give him everything.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give anyone everything.

I really don't deserve love....

Maybe I did, once.

Before all of this shit happened.

Back before I started getting all cold and numb.

But now....

I don't deserve much....

I'm sorry, for every mistake I've made.

For everything I've done.

For hurting you, Adam.

For hurting you, Ted.

If either of you wish to, you may leave.

I won't judge you.

In fact, I'd leave if I was either of you.

My imperfections outweigh my imperfections.

But...

Before you judge me so harshly...

Listen to this, would you?

Right now....Adam's probably leaving me....

And Ted....Ted doesn't know....

I'll....I'll deal with that later....

I'm so sorry....Everyone I'm so sorry......