~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Monday, July 30, 2012



Listen up everyone.

Remember St. Petersburg, Russia and the law they passed about how it's basically illegal to be anything but straight? And how it's spreading through the world, and people are being killed?

It's fucking here.

It's here....

My friend Adam who lives in Nova Scotia is being beaten every time he leaves his house. He's fourteen years old.....And they might kill him. He's bisexual and....I'm bisexual...

Please someone, anyone, LISTEN TO ME! Contact authorities, do SOMETHING! ANYONE OUT THERE!!!

Don't let this happen....

Don't let this happen!!!!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

~~Pain: A Rambling~~

Pain, without love
   Pain, I can't get enough
      Pain, I like it rough
         'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

--Pain, Three Days Grace

I'm addicted. For me to feel alive, I've gotta feel pain. I love to be held down and forced. I need the pain if I am to get any pleasure.

I need to be hurt.

I'm sick of feeling numb.

And this world isn't one I can understand.

I don't even need to be loved if there's something making me scream, making me cry out. Making me hate myself.

Making me hate myself....

Anger and agony....

Those are better than this thrice accursed numbness and boredom that dogs my steps. I want out of this rut I'm in, and if pain...If pain breaks me out of it....Then hell fucking yes I'm taking it.

I'm not the only one who needs it. I've met Dominants and submissives, and before you ask, I'm a submissive. I could never be a Dominatrix. I need the loss of power and the loss of control, the sense of powerlessness and hopelessness and fear. I don't crave control. I'm happy enough to surrender it.

All in all, it comes down to pain, pleasure, and power.

And the final word is the one that runs the world.

Who has the power is the one who is pleased. And the one who does not is the one hurt.

I need to be hurt.

I need to be punished.

My loves, this....This is something you didn't know about me. But it's one hundred percent true.

I can't get enough pain.

Au revior.

Friday, July 27, 2012

~~What to Say?--Life Post~~

I'm doing alright. Got back from Toronto with my boyfriend, Andrew B, my mom, and my dearest brother--who is now sick. Hopefully it's just a one day thing though, and he seems to be better. He stopped throwing up sometime late last night.

God, Toronto was amazing. Swimming, shopping, the Leviathan, and best of all....Not home and no outside contact. So I spent my time with friends and people I cared about, but now I'm glad to just be home.

God my loves.....I'm almost abandoning you it seems. It's not easy for me to write these days--so very busy. I really hope that this isn't signalling the end of Crooked Musings--especially with these Russians reading my blog so very much! I love you guys!!!!!

Anywho, right now I'm...coasting. I just started playing Minecraft, so if you guys have it.....ADD ME AND HELP! I'm pretty much doomed. Not good at surviving yet.

So guys, I really ought to go.

I love you.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

~~No Humans--A Ramble~~

I'm beginning to wonder how much of what I am is real.

I'm wondering if I'm nothing more than a mask upon someone else--crazy, isn't it? *Laughs harshly, trying not to show the fear in my eyes.*

I'm wondering if I'm shattering....

If I'm losing my mind.

Oh, f**k all this....

Did I ever have my mind?

I'm drifting and as I drift I'm plucked from the rivers of consciousness by caring hands, or sometimes cruel and indifferent ones--friends, family....Neighbours....Grocery store clerk....People at school....

And then I'm put back down again.

Lazily I float, and pluck amusements like grapes--erotica stories, texting, television, movies, games. Enjoyments.

Little human contact.

Because there are no humans to be found.

~~Love of Beauty and Love of Body--Life Post~~

I don't feel beautiful.

I feel fat and undesirable. I feel like no one could ever love me, much less want me.

But wait.....


I'm a former cam whore. I used to be every guy's fantasy.

But, yet....

I don't feel beautiful.

What's wrong with me?

Is it because I'm female?

I guess that has to be a part of it, but the other part is how long I was bullied....

I've been told I was ugly my entire life.


I don't believe it now when I'm told it.

Lately, though....

I've been getting better.

Loving my body more and more.

Hopefully, one day, I'll feel beautiful....

And ah yes, me is sorry my loves, but it looks like I'll be gone for a long time.

I'll be on a trip with Ted, Andrew ((family friend)), my bro, and my mom to visit my nana.

So if you don't mind, I'll need to get some sleep, because tomorrow it's off to buy some new clothes, get my hair dyed, get a new swim suit, and then maybe finally back to Ted's arms....

God I miss him!

I'll see you later, my loves.

Be well and safe!

~~Words to Destroy--A Ramble~~

Burning weight, the crush of words that needs to be said. The fast pounding of fingers on the keys--no no thoughts not yet...Not yet! No stopping now, fast motions and unbelievable images....Transfix me, transfix them, transfix....


Draw in....

Pull apart....

Kill and be killed, all because of the black ink on a white sheet.

A taint on a bed of innocence.

The weight fades and I can once again breathe....

I open my eyes and stare in blank wonder at the words, harsh and cruel but flooded with power, that now stand there. I think, Was that me?

Some demon within me laughs and murmurs, Yes, and no, Little One....

I need to breathe....

But there's no air--the hot air is suffocating me, driving me deeper into my personal pit of madness and lust, pleasure and pain.....


Such ecstasy!

I whimper and weep, moan and cry out, pleading for it to stop, for more....

Someone save me!

I'm about to fall, the words are drowning me, dragging me into their midnight ink depths....

I open my mouth, and breathe in the dark shadows, and feel it flood me....

I gag and choke, my world goes red, red against the black....

Before it fades, a white sheet of paper.


Monday, July 16, 2012

~~Love Eternal: A Vampire Story Told in Free Verse~~

I waken, frightened
Reach for the covers
To cover the shine
Of my milky skin
I hear a murmured

My eyes shoot

To the corner
Of my room
And let
The covers
Lie there
"Hello again....
"Do you remember me?"
I stare in wonderment
And whisper
He smiles
Laughs slowly
And approaches
The moonlight
Upon his skin
He presses
One long
Slim finger
To his lips
"You don't need
"To call me Master
"Little one...."
I shiver at the sound
His familiar voice
Bringing the memories
Of many years ago
Back to me
The gasps
The whimpers
The blood loss
And then the shattering end
The fleeing
In order to escape
The villagers
And my husband
So many years ago
I blush, and look
Into the deep red eyes
And he smiles
Ever so softly
And says
"Come with me."
And I go

~~I'm Lost--Thoughts Post~~

Unattainable is glory.

I'm losing it all....

The ability to love is flying far from me.

I'm running far, but I only seem to find myself trapped more and more in the night. I wake up gasping from the weight of memories that aren't mine.

The minds of my Figments are taking me over.

I waken and find myself burning alive in a church, the woman I had loved my entire life running forward, leaping to throw herself at my twin right before the roof caves in--saving him at the cost of herself.

I waken and find myself staring into the terrified eyes of my child as a massive lion leaps at him.

I'm losing it.

I'm losing it.

Raphael and Alakina are taking me over, and even though they've faded back to their home with the rest  I'm still being flooded with their memories.

They're afraid, as am I, of what is going on.

And other things are tearing through me....

I'm Angel.

Drifting between sanity and insanity.

Reality and imagination.

What's left for me but hope for the future?

Hope for the ESCAPE?

I want to break free....

I wanna run, right into someone's arms.

Someone who knows me.

Who loves me.

Ted, Ian, Master....

Someone hold me.....

Monday, July 9, 2012


A whimper, a shriek
Yours and not
Clutched and untouched
Everything real
Everything fake
What do you want?
What do you need?
I can't give
I can do
But when you wake
I won't be there
Curled up close to you
I'll be somewhere
Far from you
With someone else...

Friday, July 6, 2012

~~Misconceptions and Meanderings--Life Post~~

I’m only fifteen.

That’s something not many people seem to get. I may be amazingly strong, my writing might be talented, I may have travelled far and wide, and love-wise I’ve been busy as hell, but I’m still fifteen. I’m going into grade ten next year; I worry about how fat my legs are and want to tone them up; I find it nigh impossible to wake up without my first cup of double cream double sugar coffee with a shot of rum extract; I have an intense love affair with chocolate; I worship spicy foods and onion rings; and I love stuffed animals and cute things. I watch movies, laugh and cry. I’m only fifteen.

When I was younger, I had no one really there for me. There were token kindnesses, and the travels with my family, but beyond that I was lonely and bullied. I was hated and hurt, and there was no one there for me. There was no one there for me. I had a friend, who I looked out for and protected as best I could. I thought I’d be stuck there. I thought I’d be trapped into marrying him, because who would love kids like Lee and I? He was a selective mute, and I was a girl with a speech impediment. When puberty hit, it took me a while to get used to all the things that happened. *Sighs.* I was a little kid thrown into a world I didn’t really understand. And I couldn’t ask for help because I couldn’t even speak. I was just a kid and now, two years later after the final year of hell, I’m still just a kid.

I’m fifteen years old and I’m scared of messing up. I’m scared and alone and even though I’m never alone and will always be loved I can’t accept it. I can’t accept it. Let me tell you the reasons why….

A few years ago. Seat assignments had been given out. A kid runs up to a girl, one very nice who would smile at me sometimes and talk to me. The kid says, “Haha, you have to sit with Alex!” Disappointed cries. Mocking laughter. I’m standing a few feet away, alone and quiet, trying to hide from the world. I think to myself, Why do they hate me? They don’t even know me.

Grade five. Winter. My friends Heather and Lee and I were playing in the snow. A group of kids come up to us. One of them, Grant, throws snow in my face. Seems almost routine now. It happens almost every day. But today something changes—I throw snow back at him. The first resistance. And Heather and Lee back away, the only friends I’d ever really had, saying, “You’re in for it now.”

But of course things weren’t all bad….

Most of the time, I was invisible. Not many saw me and occasionally they spoke to me, with kindness and charity in their voices. And pity too. They hurt me, intentionally or not, and it’s been that way my entire life. I’m liked enough, but only because of the cool parties my family used to have and the fact that I’m a writer. Back when I was eleven, a lot of kids wanted to read the first novel I’d ever written—For Freedom Shall I Die. Sucked, but it won me some popularity.

Still, my childhood wasn’t simple.

And to go from a life of nothing but invisibility, token kindnesses and pitying smiles mixed with open hate, to a life online where I was loved and people knew me and wanted me to always be with them….i got hooked on it, and hooked on it fast. I found love, hope and dreams, and as my online world flourished my real one tarnished until it, too, began to grow. And now it’s grown. And now I’m not alone anymore. Now I have friends in real life, and they may not be much but for me….For me they’re the best I’ve ever had. They’re hope for a better future, for a life of laughter and of love, instead of webcams and cold rooms and overheated laptops. I can’t breathe anymore, because all of this is dreams. And dreams shatter when you wake, and fade away.

I have Ted and Fatum and Sun-Jung. And of my online life, very few remain. Only Ian holds a special place in my heart still. And he always will.

For the past two years I’ve been trying to find out what’s happening. I feel like my eyes have been opened, like I’ve woken up into a fresh new world of new rules and new laws, where there’s nothing real and it’s all a matter of perspective. I listen to music almost constantly, escape from the world, and power my thoughts into a single sword of brilliance and flame. An Angel’s fiery sword. Beautiful and terrible, righteous and cruel. And I cannot be cruel, and in my eyes I am far from beautiful. I’m only me, a fifteen year old girl still stuck in the simple thoughts of her youth, still fighting to break free of the old chains and wake up. I can’t wake up, not fully. I haven’t had enough coffee yet. *Grins a bit at the sad attempt at a joke.*

I’ve been getting better, though. I have countless regrets, yes, but I can make it through this life. I can and will make it through this life.

But only because I’m going to run like hell. I’m going to run and the only thing, the only one I’m taking with me from here will be Ted. I will run to a different city, to a different life—as far and as fast as I can go. Right after high school I’m going to get a job, start learning how to do copyright writing (brochures, manuals, and stuff like that for companies etc.) and get money. During that time I’m going to pile into a car and drive. Just drive. Get as far from home as I can, no destination in mind, and escape. Maybe head out west, to the old forests there, the really big ones. Maybe drive to visit my gang across Canada and the US. When I get back, it’ll only be long enough to pack up again and move twelve or more hours away to Bishop’s university. Ted will be here, in college. When I graduate, I’m outta here to run a bookstore, raise a family, write novels and poetry. I’m never coming home, because here was never home for me.

I’m going to make it out of here, and I’m going to be okay….

I’m going to be amazing one day.

Hell, I already am amazing.

I’ve written novels, have a pretty widely-red blog, have travelled the world, I’ve got a boyfriend who worships me and thinks everything I do is cute and hilarious, my friends are almost as weird as me and way cooler….

Not bad for a fifteen year old kid, eh?

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

~~Hope for Beauty--Life Post~~

I am, by no means, ordinary. And I have no intentions of becoming anywhere close to ordinary. Wherever I go, I will stand out. I won’t fade away.

No matter what.

I’m praying for a good life, for one that will be made amazing and interesting. I’m praying for friends, for happiness, and for journeys far and wide that will teach me and show me who I am.

I learned a lot of things from the days and nights I spent online. I learned what I’m capable of, what others are capable of, and what it means to find connections. Shared aspects of self that aren’t as much interests as souls and personalities. I found people that are almost entirely like me, people that I connected with in a way that was almost automatic and psychotically powerful. And these connections are ones I found with Ted.

But those lessons aren’t the only ones I need to learn. I now need to find my way and find my wings in the social world, find out how to live and how to breathe in a world of people. And I think that, at Bishop’s University, I will be able to find it. I will be able to learn how to live and how to breathe and how to grow there.

I’m thinking quite a bit, my loves. Thinking about this world of mine. About my life, and about the future.

I’m going to be okay, and I’m going to be amazing.

And I’m going to be loved.

Always loved.

~~Accursed Daydream~~

I whisper to you, “Do you see me?”
I feel you take my hand
And whisk me away
To the private halls
Of your accursed kingdom:
My new home
I awaken late at night
Think upon the darkened dreams
And wonder when you
Will come to me again
But then I look
Around me, with a smile
And recall where I am
Your rooms, your home
Where you dwell with me
Never far, never close
But never where
I can touch and be touched
Until you choose
To approach me
I whisper
As I wander: “Where are you?”
And you respond
The sound a calling cry: “Within you
“Your soul, your mind
“I am you.”
I collapse
To my knees
Open the curtains
And leap
Into the daylight
Leaving you
And the darkened halls and accursed rooms
Behind me.
I flee into uncertainty
Into the wildness of an uncharted land
But there are others there
People who touch and touch me
And I delight in it
Feeling the world
Around me widen
Welcoming me
To its shores.