~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

~~An Unexpected Hello: Greetings Post~~

I keep daydreaming and thinking
About how weird my life is
And I keep trying to realize
Whether or not I'm sane....

Greetings, oh lovely readers....

How are you?

You will not believe who it is....

It's me, Jace.

Yes, I know I don't write to you very much--but Raphael is currently...in the infirmary, and my sissy's not entirely in the mod to write to you, but she doesn't want to leave you guys without some reading material courtesy of us here at the Mansion.

Speaking of the Mansion, we recently recovered from...let's just call it a break-in, shall we? It has again a lot of things we cannot particularly talk about.....I know we're probably being annoying by being so secretive, but I am definitely not going to tell you ANYTHING for fear of what is hitting us going after you.

Please, dear readers, don't worry about us....

We can make it through whatever comes our way--through supernatural beasties, essays, tests, quizzes, fights in relationships, and even a lot of random shit.

We're a weird family....We've always been weird. And I suppose that's why you love us all so much....

Readers, you don't know very much about me, do you?

Well, I'll tell you more.

I was born a few months ago to Raphael and Alakina. I aged swiftly, like most Figment-born do. I was born with the abilities of my parents--Raphael's skills with angelic light, and Alakina's powers in the elements. I can use both with some proficiency, but that is not my most powerful skill....

My skill lies with steel.

I can summon it around me as an armour, and it also can function as spikes, walls, or take on any shape I choose. I use it like I use muscles--it's simply that easy. I've always had that natural skill with it.....All of us Figments tend to have various abilities of many different sorts.

When I'm angry, like my sissy insists I often am ~_~', my eyes go solid black and seem to shimmer. When I need defence, liquid steel runs over my skin and solidifies to my form like a second skin, rendering me perfectly safe. When I'm flying, my wing feathers become steel as well, bending to best control and utilize the air.

So, loves, I'll talk to you later.

Au revior~

Monday, October 29, 2012

~~Hell Ain't Bad~~

I've been thinking a lot about love
Been thinking a lot about life
And one of the things I realized
Is that it's fun to be under the knife

Because hell ain't bad for a sleepover
Hell ain't bad for a vacation
And I think I'm rethinking
And finding myself a hellish vocation

The world can wait and be nice
The world can wind up last
But it better not be ready for fun
Because the fun will never last

At least for them it'll be sad
A hell of a lot of blood
But for me it'll be a part-y
Enjoying everything they could

If they only let go of their issues
And relied more on their instincts
Maybe then they'll realize why
I dyed with blood their scarves of minx

I think it's time I wander down the street
And find the people I used to know
I wonder if they'll be ready to play
Or if to hell they'll need to go!

I wonder if they'll see
How much fun it can really be
If they only let go of being good
And went straight to hell with me

My life is gonna be amazing
Even if it doesn't last long
I think I'll do really well
And I'll just live in the wrong

I don't think I regret anything
About this crazy life I choose to lead
I only wish you'd play with me
Instead of needing to bleed

For your beliefs in right and wrong
In things that really don't matter
Because guess what? It's me
Who has the world on a silver platter

You know....Hell ain't bad for a sleepover
Hell ain't bad for a vacation
And I think I'm rethinking
And finding myself a hellish vocation

Sunday, October 28, 2012

~~Figments: New Information Post~~

Hello my dears!

I've been....Dealing with several ghostly entities, and due to my friendship with a certain guy I'll call James I feel oddly protected. He told me nothing can get me, and told me to stay up til witching hour just to make sure. I stayed up, and nothing happened to me. Nothing is coming for me. No Dark Ones are coming for me. I am safe, no monster in the closet, no ghost, no nothing. Which doesn't mean I'll stop being cautious, and it doesn't mean I won't invest in sage to burn....As well as some good salt. I'll go down to a store called Green Earth...Really the best place I know of to get stuff like this. Well, it's the only one I can get to--it's in the mall. I love it there, one of my favorite stories, even if I never buy anything....

Anywho, I have told two people of Figments. James, and Patience both have them. Well, gives more credit to the plausible theory that everyone has them. I keep thinking of rewriting this to better match the knowledge we have now, but so far it's accurate enough to keep. Remember: ALL of this is theories. And ALL of this is based upon knowledge we in the Mansion know. Therefore, it cannot be 100% viable by other Figments.

Besides, we aren't entirely sure what we know...So much is a mystery and will always be a mystery. I know a lot about Figments, but....Not enough to be entirely aware.

Also, it is definitely true that there are real things in the world...

Real monsters, I mean.

Well, one of the things I found is that, while I myself do not constantly sense them, others do sense them. My own Figments can interact with others, even though it is actually pretty rare that I sense anything directly. Odd....


I have one question....If a Wiki had THIS: "Classified Material. Beyond This Point Unauthorized access will be monitored, located and dealt with. This is your sole warning." as the description, would you click the link?

I won't.....

Saturday, October 27, 2012

~~Life is Awesome ((Or Maybe Not)): Life Post~~

How are you, oh beautiful ones?

Yeah, it IS me, shockingly. I know I don't post as much as I should....

God, I don't know why I don't...Seems like the world doesn't much like me having time to myself to write and such. I'm not the kind of person who craves the world, so why does it crave me? Why do you crave me?

Is it because I'm "open"?

Even though a good deal of what I say isn't really 100% true?

And I'm just insane and me and crazy and wrong and weird and strange and.......And god I don't know what I am, or who I am.

Anywho, other than that....

I'm too sexy for my dress!


Skin tight red and black dress, corset, floor length, with a slit up my right let almost up to my ass.

I look really damn sexy o.o

God, feels so weird to say that about myself! Feels really good though.....To finally feel good about my appearance.


I keep slipping in and out of focus, like....I'll find myself staring at something randomly, without realizing it. Or I'll find myself walking down the wrong hallway on my way to class, only realizing it a few minutes later. Or I'll find myself in the washroom like I did today in the middle of a spare, with no idea how I had gotten there. According to my friend, I'd been gone for half an hour....

What's wrong with me?

On the good side....

Ted's birthday was Wednesday, which means I now need to remove the counter....Happy birthday to my incredible nineteen year old, eh?

I would have posted then, but...I'm not entirely able to think enough, or have the time, to post during school. And whenever I'm home....I'm even less conscious, like the world is slipping away. And I don't have the heart to care about it....My creativity is so low....

I'm being drained of my soul.

Or something creepy like that.

On the good side....

Wednesday night was incredible. We went out to an amazing dinner--I LOVE PROSCIUTTO!--and then, as we'd basically scarfed it, we went out for a walk to kill time. By the way, I have NEVER like asked for the bill at a restaurant, nor have I made a reservation at one. So...I feel adult, even though I felt like such a kid....While we were at the restaurant, we basically promised each other we'd be together forever.....God, it was a rush. Anywho, we went for a walk after, running around insanely hyper laughing like idiots. We found ourselves at the mall and did one of those photo-booths things. God I hate em now, the pics were awful xD Still, I'm glad we did them--another thing we've done together I hope to God I'll never forget. We also tried on hats with animal ears....Yeah, cuz that's not adorable. xD After, we called my mom and went back to the restaurant to meet her there. We got there early, laughing our asses off still, and there was music playing from inside. So....Guess what....We danced on the porch with street lights and music and Christmas lights hanging all around for ambience. ROMANTIC WIN!

The night doesn't end there.....We finally go back home to an awesome ice cream cake and gifts....

God, it was amazing. He told me it was probably the most amazing night of his life.....

I love him so much!!!!

I gave him a school picture of me in a dark brown frame with the Greek key carved in it; some tug-of-war toys for his dogs, and The Art of War by Sun Tzu. My parents gave him a new water bottle, and a large scrap book with pictures from the trip to Toronto. He loved them....Especially the picture of me. It was the last thing he opened from me, and I'd wrapped with a bow on it in plain black tissue paper. He unfolded it, being careful not to rip the paper too much, and when he saw the picture he froze for a second. He held it tightly to his chest tightly, then put it down carefully beside him and grabbed me in an incredibly tight hug.

He told me he's keeping it beside his bed now, so he can wake up to me every morning....

I love him so fucking much!

I love him, he....Makes me life worth living.

~~When There's Nobody Else~~

When there's nobody else
I start to wonder
Why I stick around

When I'm all alone
I start to ask myself
Why I'm left behind

When there's no one else but me
I can't help but think
I chose the wrong road

When I take the road less travelled by
I stand at the crossroads and see
People walking on by

When I start to follow them
They fade away like ghosts
And I try to chase them

When I hear the voice speak
"Don't run after those
"Who don't wait for you."

When I hear the voice
I freeze, and ask it
"Who are you?"

"When there's nobody else
"There's always me,
"Your voice, your soul, it's me."

When I smile, I turn and go back
And resume the walk down
The road less travelled by

When I reach the next crossroad
And look back, I know I'll see
All of those who had not waited for me

Staggering down the road they travelled by.

Monday, October 22, 2012

~~Actions Done By Sheep: Life Post~~

Hello, dears. Tis I, your loveable little blogger. The one who is oh-so-fake, yet you still seem to keep right on reading. I'm decidedly flattered by your continuing adoration of me and my odd little musings....Or is it my honesty that seems to make you need to come back to me? Likely is my honesty. I guess not many people are as willing to so openly speak about things most others would shy away from admitting. Things like my submissive tendencies, my numbness, and the reality of a lot of relationships. I also speak about equality and hatred and bullying, things I'm more than willing to openly oppose or push.

I'm not your average teenage girl. Normal people care more about their hair than about things like equality. And, if they support these causes, it's only for long enough to hit "Like & Share" on Facebook. I'm pretty sick of it. You SUPPORT THESE CAUSES, but for how long, and how far do you go? I know I'm not much of an activist either--the most I do is post blog posts about the causes, but I also try my best to get my friends involved, stand up for people when I see it happen, and I DO NOT EVER BULLY. My actions reflect my words, and I care for longer than what others usually do.

I hate how people "support" things. They only support whatever's cool. Is that really support? Liking a page, and then forgetting about it ten minutes later? Holy hell, people.....Supporting something just because everyone else is isn't doing a single thing about that cause. It doesn't effect it, and it doesn't change a thing.

The world is screwed up. People suicide pretty much every fifteen minutes. Instead of taking a second to like and share a page supporting someone already dead, take a second and talk to the girl who sits behind you and is always being made fun of. Take a minute and tell people to back off. Take a half hour and go have lunch with her. Take an hour and get to know her. Take two and invite her to a party. Believe you me, you'll be grateful you did, as will she. You'll gain a friend, and she'll gain a life.


Don't support a cause you don't care about. Don't support a cause just because it's cool. Don't just like and share...Actually support it by doing something. Please, people. Have a brain.

Sheep....I can't stand sheep.


Exactly. I know I'm weird, therefore I support things. And I actually try to support things. I know I don't do much, but I try. And I know what it's like....

I also know I can help people. I also know what it takes to help people...And I'm willing to try.

I think the fact that I'm willing to be different and risk being laughed at is what makes me not a sheep. I know it's more dangerous where there are wolves that can get you, but....Aren't there also wolves hunting the pack? And am I really weak enough to be considered prey? Personally, I always thought that I'm more of a wolf....Leader of a pack. I'm the owner of a little group of incredibly odd people....And I love it. I could never be normal. I never want to be normal.

I know I have more than enough power to, if not change the world, at the very least be known by a portion of it. I want to have enough power that I can help people. That I can do well. That I can succeed and help and make people love me, and be strong, and be happy.

I want to help, and I know I can....

I will never be a sheep--I will be a shepherd.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

~~Save Myself~~

The longer I run away
The further I manage to get
Is the less I truly know
And the more I regret

The longer I refuse
To say what's really true
Is the longer I wear the mask
And forget about you

If I could close the door
To all the fear I have inside
And embrace the world
Where would I hide?

I need to hide, out of fear
Of being refused, and left behind
Can you accept me if I don't hide?
Will you still love me, and be kind?

If you were to show me
How you really feel
Would I want to know
Or would it make my mind wheel?

I need to run tonight
I need to find the shadows in which I hide
I know I'm only back tracking
From showing you what is inside

All I can do
Is hope I can be strong
And show myself
Instead of being wrong

~~Large Dangers and Small Comforts: Life Post~~

I stumbled on something today. Something I never should have found out. It's all true and it's all real, according to someone I know who has lived through it. I stumbled on something massive, a mythos bigger and even more complex than anything I have ever encountered.

I stumbled on it, and I regret it.

I cannot say any thing about what I found. I can't go on about this, because I've got a bizarre feeling that what I found out about is watching me.

But I will say this...Bard, you are a legend. I know nothing about you but I know you exist and I know you've helped others. If you can, help my friend. I need him to stay alive, because if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have stopped searching.

Blog readers, I know this post makes no sense. I'm not explaining it. I refuse to endanger any of you.

Listen to my advice, NOW.

If you ever stumble on something huge....That keeps growing larger and larger that can't be true because it can't be true....

Don't keep searching.

Don't know any more.

Knowing makes it real.

There are things we can't know, that we shouldn't know. And the more we know the more powerful it gets. It doesn't feed on fear, it feeds on knowledge.

I don't know enough that I should be in danger....I didn't find out its name. The thing in the dark that can't be-shouldn't be-isn't real.

The thing.....The thing you see everywhere, if you look. If you know what to look for, it's there, it's everywhere.

Don't look, and don't search.

If you don't look too long into the abyss, the abyss shouldn't be able to find you.

Be safe, my lovely delightful readers.

Fear the darkness, and run to those who keep the lights burning, even late at night....

They know....

They can help you.

Be safe and well.

Wish me luck.

Friday, October 19, 2012

~~NaNoWriMo Countdown: Update Post~~

I got news for ya, kiddies. Including a plan. You all remember National Novel Writing Month, right? Also known as the November from Literary Hell. Basically, in November, you have a goal you set yourself of how many words you're going to write. They can go anywhere from around 5,000 to 50,000. Last year, my word count was 22,222. Why? Because 22,222 is awesome. I hit my word count goal around a week early, finishing my rather shitty tale What Happens Next. It's psycho, very weird, and the plot line derailed around 10 pages in BUT I KEPT WRITING!

The story amused me. Elves, singing werewolves, weird magic, a group of extremely stupid human characters, a pit of puffballs with teeth....And then the little dwarf-things. Which I loved. Because they were cute. And evil. And cuddly. And evil. And fluffy. And evil.

Needless to say, it was a weird story....

Granted, ALL my stories are weird! This one just took the cake, because I had no real time to plot and edit. I loved writing it....It was ALL about the word count, and it was ALL about speed, and it didn't matter whether it sucked or not! Therefore, my inner editor had to be slaughtered. :3

He's still locked in a cage....Which might be why my writing tends to screw up occasionally. Well, he's not getting out, because guess what....

NaNoWriMo starts in two weeks.

And I'm going to die.

However, I do believe I will manage to hit my goal.

Which is 33,333.

Yeah....That comes out to around 133 pages.

My one before? Around 89 pages.

Which means I need to write around fifty more pages.....

Yeah, that shouldn't be difficult at all....

I really hope you guys realized how bloody sarcastic that was. xD

I also have VERY good news for you.

I'm going to start posting What Happens Next on here, starting November First. It will be unedited, so please place no real judgements upon it, but still I hope you enjoy it. It will appear in twelve parts, updates A few other stories that might eventually make an appearance as well: For Freedom Shall I Die, Hunter's Game, the Wanderers, the Talents, Heaven What In Hell, a bit more HER if I ever get back to it, and many more. I have a lot of my old stories still.

And those stories...Well, I really do wonder sometimes if I could ever make money off them. If it turns out that they can be sold as eBooks, or even books, they will remain upon the site in their unedited format, but you will need to purchase the books themselves to read them in their full, final form. Why? Because I like money, and being annoying is amusing.

Of course, I will not post very much during the month of November, so I may end up just scheduling those posts ahead of time. I will also not be playing Minecraft a lot, as it takes up all my creativity. So....I'll definitely be focused on the world of writing a lot. I will also try to write poems of course, but please do not expect me to. I will...HOLY COW I HAZ AN IDEA!!! Why not write, instead of a normal novel.....A NOVEL TOLD IN FREE VERSE!

Okay, that's ONE idea. One GOOD idea o.o

I also have another idea....

I could definitely write about the Mansion, couldn't I?

Even though things have calmed down, if I manage to spend enough time in the Mansion, there's no doubt I could write a story.....

Might be adult, though. xD

Which means it'll likely end up on the other blog.....~~The Diamond Gag~~ might eventually be reinstated.

Or not....I'll try to keep it from going TOO adult.

Well, I must leave now, my dearest loves....

Talk to you later. <3

~~Please Hear What I Am Not Saying: A Poem by Charles C. Finn~~

 Don't be fooled by me.
               Don't be fooled by the face I wear
               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
               masks that I'm afraid to take off,
               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
               but don't be fooled,
               for God's sake don't be fooled.
               I give you the impression that I'm secure,
               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
                    as without,
               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
               that the water's calm and I'm in command
               and that I need no one,
               but don't believe me.
               My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
               ever-varying and ever-concealing.
               Beneath lies no complacence.
               Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
               But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.
               I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
               That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
               a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
               to help me pretend,
               to shield me from the glance that knows.

               But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
               and I know it.
               That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
               if it's followed by love.
               It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
               from my own self-built prison walls,
               from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
               It's the only thing that will assure me
               of what I can't assure myself,
               that I'm really worth something.
               But I don't tell you this.  I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
               I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
               will not be followed by love.
               I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
               that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
               I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
               and that you will see this and reject me.

               So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
               with a facade of assurance without
               and a trembling child within.
               So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
               and my life becomes a front.
 I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
               I tell you everything that's really nothing,
               and nothing of what's everything,
               of what's crying within me.
               So when I'm going through my routine
               do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
               Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
               what I'd like to be able to say,
               what for survival I need to say,
               but what I can't say.

               I don't like hiding.
               I don't like playing superficial phony games.
               I want to stop playing them.
               I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
               but you've got to help me.
               You've got to hold out your hand
               even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
               Only you can wipe away from my eyes
               the blank stare of the breathing dead.
               Only you can call me into aliveness.
               Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
               each time you try to understand because you really care,
               my heart begins to grow wings--
               very small wings,
               very feeble wings,
               but wings!

               With your power to touch me into feeling
               you can breathe life into me.
               I want you to know that.
               I want you to know how important you are to me,
               how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
               of the person that is me
               if you choose to.
               You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
               you alone can remove my mask,
               you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
               from my lonely prison,
               if you choose to.
               Please choose to.

               Do not pass me by.
               It will not be easy for you.
               A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
               The nearer you approach to me
               the blinder I may strike back.
               It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
               often I am irrational.
               I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
               But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
               and in this lies my hope.
               Please try to beat down those walls
               with firm hands but with gentle hands
               for a child is very sensitive.

               Who am I, you may wonder?
               I am someone you know very well.
               For I am every man you meet
               and I am every woman you meet.

I found that one online. I love it, it means actually has so much meaning....

Read away loves....Enjoy.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

~~I'm Truly Sick of it All~~

I'm sick of the fighting
The continual war
The battle and the cries
For more and more

I'm sick of the love
The adoration and light
The kisses and caresses
Asking to be returned

I'm sick of the homework
The things we must do
The everything we hate
Where nothing is true

I'm sick of the differences
Between Person A and Person B
What right does Person C
To judge either them or me?

I'm sick of reality
Of a world mainly false
A tenuous grip
Always slipping away

I'm sick of my mind
A playground for insanity
A place of peace
And a place of destruction

I'm sick of my writing
Every line misses the mark
Every word that I write
Makes me realize I suck

I'm sick of the lies
The false hopes, goodbyes, realities bending
All the different shades of white
Nothing is true, and nothing permitted

I'm sick of the agony
The old, unfading scar
The marks of one world
Entering another

I'm sick of the friendships
The responsibilities good and bad
The moments without laughter
And the awkward silences

I'm sick of the spare periods
Moments left to kill
Not entirely sure what to do
But we do it any way

I'm sick of the waiting
To see the one I love
To hold him in my arms
And remember why we're together

I'm sick of the cellphone
Constantly lighting up
All the people wanting to talk
When I want to be alone

I'm sick of the lack of independence of thought
Can we make any choices without
Consulting another?
Personally, I think not

I'm sick of the light
That always burns my eyes
The sunlight that burns my skin
Causing it to peel

I'm sick of the shadows
That flicker with cruelty
That show only fear
And shatter reality

I'm sick of the home
That doesn't feel like me
That just seems to hurt
And causes me pain

I'm sick of my life
And my happiness and pain
And my reality and hell
And everything I am

I'm sick of it all
But there is no escape
And even if there was
I would never take it

I'm sick of it, certainly
But this is the only world I know
If I do not remain here
Where do I go?

~~Frozen Beneath~~

Due to internet issues, this may or may not have been the second time this was posted. --A.

My creativity's frozen
It's hard to write
My eyes slide shut
I'm out like a light

There's nothing left right now
For me to breathe
You will never let me
Even try to leave

I'm left curled up under your arm
Kept safe by you
You whisper to me
Saying things that aren't true

I reply in the same words
And you don't listen much
You don't seem to notice
When I flinch from your touch

You pet my hair
And tell me I'm yours
Even though you're never there
When I slam the doors

On the memories that shake me
On the memories that break me
On the memories that hurt me
On the things that kill me

You say you understand
But how could you
When you know nothing
Of what I went through?

I will always love you
That feeling's real
But that doesn't mean
There's much else I can feel

I know I'm not the strongest
I know I'm not the best
But please always know
That I won't leave like the rest

As long as you stay
And keep me close to real
I won't ever go
You make me feel

Please just love me
And give me what you can
There's nothing more I can do
Until you truly understand.

Monday, October 15, 2012

~~The Amount of Things I Fake: Life Post~~

I'm fifteen now, and I seem to be getting into something I can't handle. It's the numbness. All the numbness, getting worse and worse. It's been increasing for a month now, and I can honestly say that it frightens me. I want to feel like I care again, about school, about life, about love. I'm scared. I just don't want to fake it any more.

I'll show you what I fake....

  • Caring about Ted enough to talk to him constantly
  • Wanting to pass my courses
  • Caring about this blog
  • How I look
  • How much I write
  • Minecraft
  • Animes
  • Black Butler
  • My future
  • My past
  • My happiness
  • My family
  • My friends
  • My body

I fake caring about all of those things....

My life....

I just don't like this any more.

I just want to get out, somehow....

Please, help me....


That's what you call me
When we're curled up together
Your arms around me
Holding me tight

That's what you do to me
When you take my leg in hand
And give it a squeeze
Even though it annoys me

That's who I am to you
Your adorable little squeeze toy
Your cuddly little toy
Your girl

Sometimes you annoy me
But I still don't mind
As long as you love me
I'll be whoever you want

I love you so much
Call me what you want
You know I won't mind
I'll be your Squigee forever, if you stay my Glowstone

~~Simple Little World: An Ode to Minecraft~~

Blocks and rocks and places of happiness
Stone and dirt and grass and wood
Sand and water
Lava and snow
The real world
The fake world
And the real world
Nuclear explosions
Instead of Creepers and TNT
Pistons powering machines of death
Instead of hidden doors
The world of strength and happiness
And the world of weakness and reality
Does anyone wonder
Why I flee
Into a world
Of pickaxes and fishing rods?
Does any one wonder
Why I run into the happiness?
Into the water slides?
Mine cart roller coasters?
I would rather
Spend my time there
Than in the reality
Of pain?

Sunday, October 14, 2012

~~A Real, True Love: Life Post~~

It seems I hit 5,000 views without noticing. My milestone. It came without realization, without celebration, without a party. Without a special post. I spent Saturday night playing Slender with my friends Patience, Fatum, and Sun-Jung, who came home with me after school. I spent that day with friends and happiness and laughter and light. I spent that day not alone. Today, I got the shopping done for Ted's birthday, even buying a book for myself entitled The Many Shades of BDSM. Hm. Seemed like a good buy, so I picked it up. I really am entranced by that world these days--ever since I found Literotica.com, I've been learning as much as I can about that practice. I know I'm addicted to it, and I know I'm submissive.

After, I spent the day online, escaping from the world. I don't care about anything these days. Not school. Not homework. Not anime. Not Minecraft, even. Never did care much, really......About anything.

I'm wondering if this is a bad thing.

I know I don't care much about this blog any more....I'm sorry, kiddies, but....Numbness, and all. I'll try to keep up the farce of caring. Time is just slipping though, and it seems like......I can't even pretend any more.

I can't even smile sometimes. It's hard, but whenever I'm alone....I fade away. I'm faded away now.....Everything could just end I know I wouldn't care. God, I almost wish it would end, so I could be left alone....

I've forgotten what it means to care and to love. I keep up the farce, but for some time now it seems like even that doesn't matter. I never even speak in class, and now I stop bothering to do homework. I still see my friends and I'm still happy, but I can just not think or care about them for days at a time.

I'm slipping....

Into what, I don't know.

Oh, god, I'm scared.

I don't want to fade away......

But it seems like I will.

Apathy runs in my veins. I can't breathe any more, and in the Mansion things are quiet. Nothing is happening.

Please. Someone. Do something.

Break me out of this silence.

Before I fade away.

I want a real, true love.

Heart-stopping. Knee-shaking. I want that love. I know I had it before, I know I have a chance of having it again, but I can't!!!! I can't feel!

I'm so scared. I want to get out of this!

I want to be happy!!!!!!


I want to live.......

~~WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!!: Extremely Annoyed/Frightened Post~~

I just lost all the pageviews I had......

All 5,043.....

Note, that's an estimated number.

But...Oh my god....

Oh my god why...



I'm so sad...

It took me over a year to get that many!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

~~Dear Angel~~

So many steps down this road
How tired are your wings?
So many wing beats left to flap
How tired are your feet?
You walk and fly and soar
Running after me
Some unchaseable, unattainable dream
You never give up
Seeking what you believe is right
Seeking revenge
Seeking justice
Seeking love
Seeking light
And, most of all, seeking reason
So many scars and plucked feathers
That dot your skin, and the earth
So many issues
So many problems
Were you ever anything different?
Did your halo ever shine any colour but red?
Was your smile ever truly happy?
Were you ever actually happy?
Or were you always like this?
You've been walking for so long
Going somewhere
You have no home
So you walk on forwards
Trying to believe
Trying to be happy
When you can't be
Because that's just not you any more
Oh little angel
Be safe and well
I wish you luck
In your journey....

~~Thoughts on Beauty and Society: A Thoughts Post~~

There is a kind of beauty in isolation, you know. A beauty that revels in grief and hides from truth. In isolation, one is moved only by oneself, seeking only to do what one desires. I, who has dwelt in isolation for a long time, understands this concept. I revel in the beauty of my own mind, and every moment I am grateful I am trapped in a mind that finds such happiness in the darkness. I am so grateful to be in this mind of grief and pain and sorrow and love. As, even in the darkest parts of me, there can be beauty and there can be happiness.

I am beautiful, even though I do not match any conventional forms of beauty in this day and age. I am not skinny, my hair is chopped short and always has a bed-head-style look, my breasts are by no means double D's, my legs are not toned and muscular, I do not wear make-up, my lips are commonly chapped, and my teeth never were the best.

And yet, I'm beautiful. Not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of those I love. I am constantly told how beautiful I am, even with all the parts of me that just aren't what society calls beautiful. All they seem to see as beautiful is Barbie-skinny, long hair kept all neat and tidy, and unending pairs of skinny jeans. Erm, don't even get me started on how I dress. Oh, nevermind, let me tell you....I wear a lot of jewelry--mainly black jewellery  all kind of ornate and stylish; my favorite accessory is a kind of knee-length black shawl; I wear rather tight slacks that flare out at the calves; and all of my shirts are usually quite low cut. Yeah....Modesty was never really my thing. Getting attention is incredibly easy when you dress like me, in all dark colors and black and silver jewellery.

I pride myself on dressing differently. I only own ONE pair of jeans. And those are only because they're incredibly comfy and cling to my legs in a very nice way.

Yes, I do "dress to impress." Why not? If you got it, flaunt it, as the saying goes. And I would like to believe that I got it. I always try to be sexy, to dress well, and to stand out. My mom told me that, with my attitude and style, I will always stand out. I'm always going to try and be different, because I'm me and I'm definitely not the norm. I don't fit into any real group. I'm not really a geek, not really a gamer, not really a nerd, not emo, not goth, not scene, not submissive fully, and I am not always Dominant.....I don't fit with any one stereotype.

Yay, I can't be labelled? God, I hate society--we all seem to crave LABELS. Geek. Nerd. Prep. Goth. Emo. Scene. We all want to fit in to something.....And I GET that, of course. We want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, so we not only know who we are, but we also are safer in our numbers. We just want to be safe, and have at least some idea of who we are. I don't judge anyone who seeks to be labelled. I myself have sought after a label, just because I didn't want to be alone....

Anywho, I do hate people who hate other labels. I hate that...I don't GET IT. We're all people, kiddies. Why do we even discriminate? Just because Guy A plays a lot of video games doesn't mean he should be picked on by Guy B, a member of the football team. Gamer being picked on by jock. That's just way too cliché. Okay, so Girl A is being picked on by Girl B because Girl C said Girl A is a slut. Yep, rumors....Still cliché. God, in this day and age, what ISN'T a cliché  AND DEAR CLICHÉ:  Stop having the accented e. It's annoying.

I just.....Don't enjoy all the issues the modern era has brought with it. Less communication. Easier wars. Better weapons. More ways to waste time. More ways to commit crime. More ways to kill the planet. More
bad things....

I know good things came out of this too, but....Do they outweigh the bad?

I really hope they do, my loves....I really hope they do. All the medicine and equality, all the inventions....So much has changed. Can we still live by the old laws? Or has mankind's technology exceeded the point at which it can truly be governed any more by the tenets we're used to?

I believe it has. So much has changed.....So much has changed. I'm learning a lot in history class actually--even though Canadian history bores me, there's still interesting spots. So much we have done in support of king and country--THAT quality at least is admirable.

By the gods, loves!

I love this world, all the craziness....All the insanity...I even love this society! It gives me something to think about.....

I must finish cleaning my room, dear loves.

Au revior!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

~~A Brand New Cause: Notice Post!!!!!~~


The Justin Beiber fans are going to try and kick Gangnam Style by PSY out of its current number one spot on YouTube.


Did I say "beat up,"? Whoops, that's supposed to be for next week....

I refuse to let the Beliebers win!!! Not only is he FEMALE, but he's popular BECAUSE HE'S FEMALE!!!

And yet EVERYONE seems to hate transsexuals...Um...Yeah, there's logic in this somewhere. Or maybe it's the only logic I can't see--the logic of mankind....

Have I mentioned how much I hate mankind?

I wish we could change....

But there really is no ability to. There's always going to be people who DO NOT WORK. No matter that. Even if we kill everyone who won't match up to what mankind SHOULD be, the remainder will breed and make more....


Anywho, I'm off kiddies--remember, WATCH THIS REPEATEDLY ON OCTOBER FOURTEENTH! WE WILL WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~I Shall Only Post Here: Notice Post~~

Hey, kiddies, I know you guys have been possibly waiting for me to a. Make a wordpress blog or b. do ANYTHING with the sister blog that I'm planning on making so I can post pornos. Well, never mind about those....

My loves, upon reviewing my intensive difficulties at keeping ONE blog kept up, I think it's a good idea to only focus on this. Therefore ~~The Diamond Gag~~ is closed until further notice, and I apologize for that. I'll work on this later, alright? You know my life is busy and filled with amazing-ass incidents known as LIFE.

I write as much as I can, my dears...I'll always try to write, I promise. God.....

Hey, the sleepover is officially Friday night, so this is GOING TO BE AWESOME!

I need to focus more on the good stuff, I know I do....

And one of the good stuff is how good of a boyfriend I have.


I gotta go, lovers.

~~Updates from the Distant Bitterness: Life Post~~

Hey, my loves. How are you, oh adorable ones? I know I don't talk to you too much, so today I've decided to make a quick change and go back to posting during History class. Which is amusing. You know I write really quickly, so it's easy enough for me to make up a lovely post while I work.

Kiddies, Thanksgivng was actually a lot of fun. I had a heck of a lot of food--the amount of turkey was...minorly too much to actually be intelligent, but I had no regrets. I love turkey, even though it makes you sleepy. I spent a lot of time playing Minecraft and watching movies and anime....Basically what I do EVERY weekend. God, I need a life....

But, this was a three-day weekend, as yesterday was Thanksgiving Day. So yesterday, guess who came over! Ted!!! :D We usually only see each other for a few hours after school, which is barely enough time. But it keeps us both from getting lonely, and it keeps me very happy. I love seeing him, and I love just....Being close to him.

His nineteenth birthday is coming up on the 24th, which means that I'm already thinking about it. As well as Christmas, and everything else. I need to think about what to give him, if we're doing anything special....

Seeing as there's a possibility that he'll read this, I can't discuss my plans. Let's just say that they'll take a LOT of planning, a LOT of printing off, a few tanks of gas, and a good deal of cash.

I'll be definitely ready for it, though. I tend to have a lot of my plans already worked out a long time in advance....

I hope it's not too much, though!

I know he isn't entirely used to big celebrations. He even missed his own graduation--which I might have actually loved to attend. I'm proud of him. I always will be.

Ah, and let me just say that this weekend will be awesome.


All of them female.

One of them bisexual.

Bisexual girl is happy.

Me is very, very happy with this.

I know nothing will happen, BUT.....

It is SOOOO worth hoping for!

And now I feel like a pervert.

Which is how I usually feel, so screw it!

I really hope it will work out this weekend.....

Patience, Jen, Fatum, and Sun-Jung are probably going to be coming over. It'll likely work out that we'll pick them all up and drive them to my place straight after school. Awwww yeah this is going to be awesome!!!!

Anime, manga, horror movies....

I can't wait for this weekend to come....

Good thing it's actually a short week, eh?

I think that, even if Ted and I are actually crazy, it doesn't matter. We're both...very odd people.

And odd is good.

I gotta go, dears!

Au revior~

~~You Won't Leave Me Tomorrow?~~

I curl up close to your side
You whisper in my ear
You say everything's alright
And that you'll always be here

But then why do I feel
Like you're far away
And you can't hear
What I say today?

You won't leave me tomorrow?
Even though you weren't here tonight?
Shouldn't you just go
When nothing at all is right?

You're not the one I thought you were
You're just not as good
In the water of my heart there isn't a stir
You can't change it, you never could

I thought you were different, that you were better
But I guess I thought wrong
And now I'll just regret it
For thinking you could be strong

I no longer love you
I actually never did
I just wanted to try things with you
But you're not good, kid

I'm sorry if I hurt you
But that just doesn't matter much
Don't bother crying, it won't do
I'll also just pull away from your touch

So, kid, just be happy
And move away from this place
You won't mean a thing to me
Just get better and wrap a smile on your face

Saturday, October 6, 2012

~~The Diamond Gag: A Trailer Post~~

Ahem, due to my reluctance of making this blog 18+, I've created a sister blog known as ~~The Diamond Gag~~ It can be found here. I hope you enjoy it....

My ideas for this blog include various stories, and a handful of essays all based on things I can't really post here. Due to my age, feel free to not let any one know I'm actually fifteen. xD

~~I Was Innocent....: Life Post~~

Well, this is one hell of a beginning to a new year! Silence....Perfect silence, here on this beloved little blog.

I'm sorry, dears.

You probably expect this from me now, eh? I wish I could find a new writer for this place....

So you wouldn't be left alone.

But, no this blog is ME.

It's always been me....

I will hit 5,000 views, based solely on me.

I will do that somehow.

Well, why haven't I been posting lately? I've been reading manga and rage comics on my cellphone....a lot.....Yeah, yeah, I'm lazy. Just be glad I don't use Reddit, otherwise I would NEVER be here. At least these days I post occasionally...I just haven't had much inspiration lately.

I'm reading an incredible story called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg. This story...Hit me hard. It's about a girl named Deborah, and it's her story of her battle against schizophrenia. She is sent to a mental hospital, and Dr. Fried struggles to win her trust. However, Deborah's illness is anything but normal--her inner world is powerful and strong, and her inner world Yr is more than determined to keep her within its seductive madness. The punishments, the pain, the horror and the fear she suffers.....

It terrifies me....

The beauty of her inner world, the power of the metaphors and the language they speak....

Oh god.

Oh god.

It made me think, and you know how bad thinking is. Her "illness," whatever it is, sounds so frighteningly close to my very own Figments.

I'm scared.

My Figments....Are growing more powerful. I'm learning about them, and they frighten me. I'm frightened....I'm frightened, because I know that, if they choose to, they could do some damage to both me and my mind. They have the power to do so--but, a part of me.....A part of me knows they won't. Raphael especially would never harm me--he wants me to succeed. They owned my early childhood, the main people I knew and spoke with, but now they want me to grow. I hope they'll stay like this....

I've been fading, loves.

Fading slowly....

If I am a firefly, my light has not turned on in a while.

If I am a butterfly, my wings are growing too tired to fly.

If I am an Angel, my wings are losing their feathers.

I'm fading, and I do not know why.

I do not know if it can be stopped, either.

It seems that I'm slowly becoming...resigned.

Yes.....Resigned is a good word.

I don't have anything left to fight for.

I know I have you, but..God....I don't have the strength. Can I be allowed to fade?

In this time of school and love, can I even risk it?

I can't risk losing my head, but by the Gods I need to!

The moments and mini agonies that tear through me....Leave so many scars....So many scars....

And even though life is good it still hurts, still hurts and hurts and hurts....

My world shattered and....And I can't put it back together.

I was innocent, believe it or not. When I was younger, I mean. I didn't have many friends--probably because I didn't let myself. I was a bit of a brat. I changed, of course. I knew I was bullied, but the huge parties my family always threw for my brother and I more than bought me friends and kindness.

God, kiddies, I was a fool.

I made a lot of mistakes when I was a kid, and I learned early on that the best way to get attention is to be...hurt, and sad, and depressed. That got me what I wanted, so I lied and did whatever it took to make me feel less alone. I rarely felt much hope for myself--I wasn't what anyone would call beautiful, nor could I measure up to my family's expectations of me. I wasn't as smart as my brother. As athletic as my brother. I had no real special talents--my brother seemed to even outshine me in writing. He had a lot more friends than me. He still does...

But...I was okay.

I never really knew what friendship was--I just knew I wanted it. I had a handful of friends, none of them...what I needed. Of course, I had then Raphael and Kakana--my only two Figments at the time. Alakina hadn't even arrived yet. Raphael was set on trying to keep me innocent, but K was definitely pushing for me to become more corrupted. In the end, he won, and well...Now I'm finally here. Very little innocence left. Faith in humanity hurt. My journey far from complete, but so much done already.

How many of you know Broken Saints?

Quite a few, I hope....

The character Shandala...Reminds me a lot of me. She grew up in love and peace and happiness, and then the world came and destroyed her....She couldn't survive in the world so wrong.....And that....That's me. Ever since I woke up, I've been hurting and being hurt. I've found it hard to adjust, and even though I've adapted well, there are parts of me that won't ever heal. I got addicted to the things this world showed me, and I've never been able to be the same way again. I hate this so much, I want to run away so much, but....I can't. I'm staying here, but only because I'm praying so damn hard I won't be hurt again. Praying I won't be destroyed again. Praying I won't fall again.


I can't....

I'll lose everything that's still me.

I've been on the edge of insanity for a while now, flirting with it and wondering how it would feel if I threw myself off the edge and just started howling. Cackling. Laughing.

It would feel good....

So very good....

I wouldn't need to hide it anymore--the damaged part of me that lurks just below the surface. The part of me I swear I don't have. The part of me that I let out in my nightmares....

The nightmares I always stifle with pillows to keep them secret.

Kiddies, you know me.

I'm strange and crazy and good.

I'm a nice person, because I try to be.

Will I ever be better?

I just don't know....

I love you so much, my loves.

Now to start writing....

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

~~One Year of Words: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY/BIRTHDAY KIDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~


Okay, turning caps lock off.

I just can't believe it....

It's been a year.

Three hundred and sixty five days.

From the beginning of grade nine to the beginning of grade ten.

From fourteen to fifteen.

From Dylan and Emily to Ted.

From breaking to healing.

From online to real life.

I've come far.

Done a hell of a lot.

Been through some things no one would believe.

But hey.

I'm a fifteen year old girl.

At this stage of life, who isn't dramatic?

Hormones are raging. Love is new and frightening and overwhelming. Mistakes are mind-numbingly easy to make. Bodies are getting more and more beautiful. Men are taking more notice for the very first time. It is so flattering! So sweet! So nice....

So wrong.

I'm fifteen years old, and my love life is insane. At least it used to be....These days, though, I'm with Ted and I'm doing better.

Everything is better now.

I love you.

You, my amazing, adorable, kind, sweet, psychotic, good, great, patient, vengeful, understanding, incredible readers.

I wouldn't post as much if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't write poetry as much these days if I hadn't started writing it here. And god knows I would not be as strong if it was not for you. You give me a great deal of confidence by taking the time to read about me, my loves....

Some of you I know.

Some of you I don't.

Some of you are regular readers.

A lot of you aren't.

A small few of you have been with me since the beginning.

Some of you haven't.

It's been a long, hard run. The world has changed again and again. Being gay has become illegal in many parts of the world. The world has become different. I've become different.

I have a lot of regrets but....


If I hadn't made those mistakes....

If I had not gone through all that hell....

If I had not done what I did....

What the hell would I have written about?

Let's face it loves, all this blog is is ME.

My pain and my happiness. My love and my loss. My tears and my laughter.

This blog is nothing but drama.

And yet you put up with it.

And yet you keep coming back.

You accept me for who I am, my amazing readers.

I will always be grateful for that.....

Thank you.

For everything.

Today, I walked home from the bus stop smiling and singing and laughing.

Would I have done that a year ago?

No....I really doubt it.

I am a lot happier now than I used to be.

I'm no longer sad and depressed.

I am no longer hurting.

I am getting a lot better.


And I love my life....

I have an amazing boyfriend, an amazing life, and some really good friends.

I shouldn't complain about the things I've got....

The past and the past, and today is a day of celebration.

I'm better now....

And even if I'm hurt...

Screw it.

The world will get better.

I just gotta have faith.

And try like hell to MAKE IT BETTER.

I am good.

I am bad.


I'm me.

Your blogger.

Whom you love.

So, I'll leave you with this one little song....

Happy Birthday to Normal Ain't Normal

~~Random Things--Randomness Post~~

S: Source of
E: Early
X: Xenophobia

M: Mildly
E: Erotic
S: Straight
T: Teddies

A: Angry
P: People
P: Paint
L: Like
E: Elves

O: Odd
R: Raisins
A: Attack
N: Nymphet
G: Giraffes on
E: Easter

F: Free
I: Idiot
S: Solution
H: Here

S: Sexy
T: Tables
E: Eat
A: At Burger
K: King

W: Weirdly
I: Incredible
N: Ninjas
N: Named
E: Ethel and
R: Raven
S: Stark

C: Chocolate
H: Houses
E: Eat
E: Each other
S: Sometimes
E: Eh?

"I'm just contemplating murder, the disposal of a corpse, and ritual sacrifice." <--Me, a few days ago on the bus. I had a bad day.

"Do you just say whatever matches the mood?"
"Yes. Now you k is now why I'm so agreeable." <--Sun-Jung and I.

"I like apples."
"NBjbddsbcdjs vbfhjdbvhqibc?" <--Me and Ian.

"Yes, because trees can fly." <--My math teacher. Don't ask.

Dietro la cortina di Diamante is my blog name in Italian.

Hehe, as much of the random awesomeness that I can think of.

I love you, kiddies.

Hope I made ya grin.

Oh, yeah.

I did some calculations today in history.

I averaged about 1.3 posts a day. And seeing as I didn't post every day, that's impressive.

I also average 13 posts a day. Hey, cool--1.3 posts a day and thirteen views a day. Nice numbers, there. Wait...Does that mean that....Ten percent of views overall is my amount of posts? THAT is a nice calculation! Yes, after doing the math, that's pretty much true.

I feel pretty damn awesome.


~~Jaded--Memories Post~~

I was listening to a song today, one I haven't heard in forever. It's called Jaded, and it's by MEST. One of my old punk rock bands, and I haven't even listened to them in forever.

However, this one song....Completely and utterly fit the mood for today.

Here, I have an idea....

Italics are the song lyrics, and the regular font is whatever I have to say about it, okay?

There's a time and place, for everything.
There's a reason why, certain people meet.
There's a destination, for everyone.
What's the explanation, when we're done?
This seems very true. Everything has a meaning, everything has a reason behind it. I constantly search for reasons, and try to be happy with the ones I find. I know I met Ted because I was meant to. I know this happened because it was meant to. I know I'm running to my destination--a bookstore, a peaceful life....But why? I will never know.

All the summer nights spent wondering;
So many questions asked, but no one's answering.
Would it be okay if I left today?
Took my chances on what you said was wrong?
I have asked so many questions in my life. "Why me?" "Why now?" "Is God real?" "Am I crazy?" "Will I be able to live without (insert name here)?" "Will I get through this?" "Is any of this worth it?" "What's for dinner tonight?" And my answers....No one ever answers. No one ever answers but me. Life has no answers. Life has no explanations, because life is life. About the third and fourth lines....I am asking. I'm not planning on leaving, but....Would it be okay if I up and went? I doubt it...For either of our sakes. I'm too loved, and I love you too much.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
I'll never regret these years.
I'm jaded, stupid, and reckless. That first line of the chorus made me fall in love with this song. I'm hurt and scarred and I'm still not wise enough to get over my mistakes. I'm depressed and worried and broken and hurt. I've made a lot of mistakes. Hurt a lot of people. And I'm not sorry. I made my choices, and...And I stand by them, to the very end. I'll never regret these years, as regret is both useless, and because if I changed what my past is, I'd change me. I don't want to do that. I have my problems and my pain, but I don't regret who I am. I hope I never do.

Now here I sit, so far away.
Remembering all our memories.
Its times like these that I miss you most,
Remembering when we were so close.
I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, texting Ted and listening to Jaded. I'm thinking, thinking a lot....About who I left behind. I miss you, Adam E. My Wolfy. I miss you, Adam. My Master. I miss you, Elaine, my sister. I miss you Athena, my friend. I miss you Saira, my sister. I miss you, Ridd and Yuu, some of my best friends. I miss you, Emily. I won't ever forget you. I miss you, Alexander. I will always miss you. Simon, I miss you..I hope you're okay. I wish we were still friends. Mckayla, I miss you. I wish we talked more, but....I don't know what to say any more. I just don't know....I miss you....I miss all of you.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, we'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
Read the other one for this, lol.

I'll never forget the places we've been, you and I.
Our lives are slipping away.
Don't want to let time pass us by, byyyyyyy...
I'll never forget everything I've done with my friends, current or past. I won't forget, I'll cling to those memories....I love you, and I know all too well how fast time seems to soar by. One year ago today, I was so very different. So much had yet to happen....I don't want to wallow too much in the past, though. I need to get my future in shape before I can bother regretting the past.

I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years....
...spent, so faded and reckless,
Not sorry, and I'll never regret...
I'm jaded, stupid, and and reckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
This song....It's perfect for today. I'll never forget these years spent so faded and reckless. I'm faded now, a bit less bright than I used to be. But, now...I'm also so much brighter. So much happier. My world is BETTER. My world is EASIER. My world is HAPPIER. My world has Ted in it. My world has Sun-Jung in it. My world has Fatum in it. My world has Patience in it. My world has Jen in it. My world is an amazing place.

I'm lucky, to have the life I have. I should never forget that. I am really smart, I'm creative, I dress well, I'm cute, I got an inch or so taller, my family has enough money to take me on trips, and I am an amazingly good writer with a good future ahead of me. I have a hell of a past, but that just means I'll have a hell of a future. Am I scared? A little, but....Who isn't frightened of the future? The environment might just be massively screwed up, and there isn't much a little girl like me can do about it. I'm not as influential as I like to believe. And all of the things with homophobia? If it doesn't stop spreading, I could be in danger--as well as some of my friends.


I'll get through it. I know I will.

The title of this blog is: Behind the Diamond Curtain.

Do you know what that metaphor means?

It means that, behind the strength and happiness and anime fan girl-ness and insanity and awesomeness and gamer girl coolness, is someone hurt and broken and damaged.

But that girl? The one I hide?

She's getting better, too. Love for her is getting easier to handle. She still has a lot of issues, but she's going to get better.

I'll be okay.

I love you, kiddies...

I always will.

Thank you for everything, my amazing readers.

Felice anniversario.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

~~Shattered Glass in Flowerbeds--A Story told in Free Verse~~

"Tell me who you are!"
I shout angrily
Unable to disguise
The fury in my voice
The fury
That is only
A mask
For the fear
That flows
Like wine
Through my veins
My heart
The voice in my head
Laughs in response
Cackles madly
Caresses soul
Like a blade
I shiver
To listen
"You're not
"One of them!"
You howl at me
"You're not
"Like them.
"You're like ME!"
I screech back
Unable to
Ignore it
"You're wrong!"
You laugh
And reply
"You were
"Born wrong.
"You don't know
"What to say.
"You don't connect
"With humans.
"You don't work
"With others.
"Your mind
"Is different.
"Don't forget
"You have me."
I shake my head
Trying to get rid
Rid of the voice
In my head
You silence
For a while
And I believe
That you are gone
I try to focus
Look on the bright side
But then I hear
"Come with me....
"Escape from the brightness
"The questions
"The homework
"The schools
"The happiness
The sorrow
"The world."
I shiver
And let it fall away
Fade into my mind
And let you hold me
Into your world
The world
Of madness
And freedom
And shattered glass
In flowerbeds.