~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Monday, April 30, 2012

~~The Figments: RP Cast~~

I've been doing a lot of self-discovery lately. And what have I come across over the past few weeks? Parts of my personality with names, past lives, and their own appearances and basic souls. I call them Figments, and they are within all of us. And I've been using them as roleplay characters. XD So now I think I'll try and make things work, maybe add a few stories from the Mansion, which is where they live.

But now it's time to give you their appearances and a brief bio on each of them: Raphael, Kakana, Alakina, Stepha, and Raven. They are the main characters, and maybe bios of the others will be added later.

Figments were human once. They lived and breathed, but when they died they chose to stay here and exist on the earth as parts of people, instead of going to heaven or to Hell. None of their deaths were peaceful, and I believe that all of us can choose to become a Figment or pass quietly into eternity. When the time comes for me, I will become a Figment.

Raphael, or Raph/Raphie as he is sometimes affectionately known, is a definite worrier. He was born in France, in the Victorian Age. He fell in love with a woman named Dana, who was entranced by him. Raphael was brilliant, noble, kind, unbelievably caring, and he was also heavily artistic. And he had just enough of a dark side to him to make him be irresistible to the ladies. However, Kakana (Raphael's twin, read below) tricked Dana into thinking Raphael was using her, and she ended up marrying Kakana instead. At Kakana's wedding, the church they were in burned to the ground--with all the guests trapped inside. Raphael and Kakana never got over Dana, and as time passes and they come to today they do not forgive each other. Raphael takes an interest in poetry, healing, cooking, and he's still quite the ladies' man, even though he is a few millennia old. He, however, has settled down with Alakina, a fellow Figment he met not long after his death. Alakina and Raphael are my parents basically. Both Kakana and Raphael died at the age of seventeen. Raphael, out of all of mah Figments, is the one I spend the most time with and he is also the strongest by far.

Kakana, or K/Kaka (if you REALLY feel like annoying him) is not very much like his brother. He is so much darker than Raphael is, despite having been born only a few seconds after him. Kakana is quiet, vicious when he wants to be, brilliant with machinery, and he has a definite touch of cruelty and lust to him. While Raphael keeps himself in check and never deals heartbreak, Kakana breaks a definitely huge amount of heart. Raphael's bad-boy attractiveness is nothing compared to K's, and he was enchanted on sight with Dana. He became automatically determined to win her, no matter what it takes, and he managed it. Now, he has a workshop where he has made things like explosive arrows, quivers that never empty, a memory machine that duplicates memories and can also bring copies of people back from the dead, and he is very happily settling down with Dana. This picture is faintly off--K's wings are red and draconic in nature. But the rather bored yet intent expression? That's definitely his.

Black Girl Angel with Sword wallpaper from Angels wallpapers
Alakina (she has no nicknames O_O) is very, very much a contradiction. She is ancient, dating back to Africa not long after the time of Adam and Eve, and she is quite tricky. She is loving, vengeful, kind, cruel, wise, a fool, and she is also extraordinarily playful. She's pretty easily embarrassed, strong beyond her years, and she died horribly. She was fifteen when she died, and her tribe was almost dead due to starvation caused by a drought. Late one night her tribe was set upon by lions, and everyone within it was torn to pieces--including Alakina and her son. She still doesn't like big cats. She's my mother, just as perverted as Raphael, and she definitely cannot be tamed. Oh she's beautiful, isn't she? She's kind and wise and so very strong, and she's everything I want to be. Everything I am. Of all my Figments, she's the one I have the most in common with. She basically runs the Mansion. Alakina and Raphael have recently had a child by the name of Jace, named after a lover who had saved her life, a fellow angelic Figment. He had killed a Figment, and in return for doing the deed that had saved her life, he fell and was destroyed. She never truly got over him.

And now for my youngest Figment....Well, technically she is the eldest. She died at the age of twenty, in Chicago around the 1920's, but she appears to be a girl of around ten to twelve. Her mind seems to be trapped around that age as well. Her story is the darkest out of all them: Her mother was a prostitute who's husband left her--Stepha's mother, Rachelle, was manic-depressive and he left her. Rachelle tried her best, but they never had very much money. And it wasn't long until Rachelle took back the wrong client, and wound up getting murdered right in front of a six year old Stepha's eyes. Stepha was taken in by the murderer, the case having been written off as 'just another whore killing.' She was raised by her new Master, taught to love abuse and rough treatment, and she almost flourished under his care. At least there was food....But then she grew and grew, and her Master began hitting her more and more as she aged. And then came her twentieth birthday, and she just knew she was done for. There was no way her Master would want to keep someone who ha grown to be that age. But things seemed fine for a while, until Stepha was sent out to get milk...She got mugged on the way, got back late, and her Master gave her to his friend as punishment. She was brutally raped and left for dead. Now, she is still a slave and still has a Master, but she seems to be finally growing into herself, trying to break free of the slave mentality she had been forced into her entire brutal life.

Raven, or Ravey/Rave as he is occasionally called, is the Master of cute little Stepha. He was born in Texas, and he died at the age of nineteen, in prison for the rape of a little girl. He was alive around the fifties, not very long ago. He's the most recent addition to my Mansion, and he was brought in when Stepha's former Mistress was..discontinued for reasons of endangerment to the others. He is cruel, cold, heartless, and evil, for all intents in purposes. He's part wolf, but he definitely has two major twists to him: He is actually a vegetarian and he does truly love Stepha, and not too long ago he revealed his feelings for her, and the pair are flourishing as a couple now that Stepha is finally seen as an equal. They're likely going to have a kid soon, and the Figments and I are taking bets on how much lupine aspects it will have.

Monday, April 23, 2012


Sweet, soft, tender
Shivering I nuzzle close
Needing to know I'm loved
Needing, loving you
Snuggled up close to you
Feeling you
Smelling you
Holding you
Caring for you
I love you
And I am not afraid
But we're dancing the dance
Of going too far
So close to it
We can feel it
The need to risk it
Risk it all
Flirt with ruin
For completion
Shivering and afraid
Why? Why are we afraid?
We love each other
What is wrong?
We close our eyes
Curl close
Trying not to think
What do we do now?
Is there anything we can do?

~~I Came Here To Erase It All~~

If you don't think I care
Then you are definitely right
I've been running, working, living, dreaming
For longer than anyone
Can even remember
Everything's died inside
And I can't be resurrected
I can't be resurrected
So I don't think
I should bother caring
I stand here empty
Lost and dead inside
With a wicked
Murderous smile
I live and I flourish
A bloodied sword
A tattered leather coat
We stand and fly
Fight and annihilate
I came here
I came here through heaven
I came here
I came here through hell
I never gave up
But now I want to sleep
So let me sleep
Erase me!

~~Musical Chairs~~

We stand, switch roles
Move fast, don't be the last!
Oh no, wait wait wait...
Collapse gratefully
Into a new place
Throwing the game
Into balance again
One or more collapses
Their life a ruin
As chairs and spaces
Are snatched away by ghosts
How soon will the music end?
When will the song change?
Maddening, hyper, slow, sad
Music angry, music weeping
Grieving, howling, begging, moaning
Pain, pleasure
Love, loneliness
Hated, hopeful
Sickened, sinful
I love you I love you I love--
You're gone
You didn't make it
Just like all the others
I stole....
I stole this place from you
You face the demons
Fade away, like the rest
I whisper an apology
And stagger
On through the game
Don't stop, the music's pounding
Run and race
Cruelty and kindness
Opposite strategies
Never sacrifice yourself
Get up get up get up!
How could you have fallen?
But the game goes on
The game goes on
And on and on and on....

~~Dear Readers: Hola Post~~

Dearest Readers,

Почему вы, ребята, как этот блог так много? For those of us who are not Russian and cannot read that (the only reason I knew that was google translate ftw) I'm asking: "Why do you guys like this blog so much?"

It's perhaps a legitimate question, because really all this blog is is ME. I'm a fifteen year old freak, a loner with not many friends, who barely speaks, has oddly epic hair, spends her hours working on school work, studying, chatting with friends world wide, roleplaying, used to have a massively huge and overwhelming amount of online drama, and I write novels, poetry, draw, make bookmarks and jewellery outta leather, and....Dear freaking god I am EPIC!!!!

Okay screw it I know why you guys read this....I'm not exactly normal now am I? Normal Ain't Normal, now that is ME!

I love you dudes, so freaking much. I dunno where I would be without you. You Russians really seem to like this place, along with those blasted Americans. Kidding kidding I like my southern neighbours well enough, especially because a lot of my friends are them. I think I'm being a bit offensive so I'll quit rambling about this and ramble on about something else instead.

I am trying to figure out a lot of stuff right now, remembering who I was and trying to understand how I got here....Lord I've gotten far! You guys possess just a small snapshot of my entire life, and I wish I could give you it all! I've had one hell of a life and I wish I could record it and hand it to you and say: "Here, have me. What do ya think?"

I've travelled the world, done so many things...Oh the stories I could tell you! Oh the tales I could weave...I will tell you as many as I can over the course of this delightful little blog, I swear! Dearest readers, we have come very far....Through Savior, Emily, Tolga, Alexander, and everyone and everything after my Wolf and I to now, to real life....

We have come so far, and there is still so many miles to go....I think Robert Frost said it best:

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
"But I have promises to keep
"And miles to go before I sleep
"And miles to go before I sleep."

I love you from now on into forever....

~~What Am I Living For?~~

I live for the dreaming
I live for the dying
I live for the hours spent
Blogging, tapping away at the keys
Trying to formulate
My wild, unformed thoughts
Into things meant to be read
By the entire freaking world
I live for the hope
In everyone's eyes
Hope for the future
Hope of recovery
Hope of a fresh start
Hope of a new friend
Hope of a new dawn
I live for the nights
Of curling up
Watching movies, kissing and feeling
Each other's warmth
Tickling and laughter
Tenderness and love, sweetness
I live for the memories
Of the people and times
Long gone by
Of the things I'd forgot
Or the people I'd simply left
Without so much as a goodbye
I want to reach out
To all those people
And tell them I'm sorry
For leaving
Without repaying you
For all the things you had done
For me
I live for the wishes
Of a better time
Of worse times
I live for you
I live for my friends
I live for my blog
I live for my love of life
I live for Egypt
I live for Venice
I live for a pair of boys
Who chased after me down the Nile
Calling out to me
I live for Wahid
Who fought for my hand
In marriage
So long ago, in Egypt
I live for a hole
In Delphi, where I found
A pretty little stone
I live for
The hell in my life
I live, I live, I live
I live for me.

~~Music Helps~~

Music helps
To numb it
Distract me
From all the memories

Music helps
To annihilate, to destroy
A massive, global
"FUCK YOU!!!!"

Music helps
To make them notice me
See that I exist
Instead of ignoring my every breath

Music helps
To make me laugh
To bring me to dance
And energize me

Music helps
To kill me
To force the entire world away
To a place of peace

Music helps
To express the feelings
I just can't say
An easy way of saying "I love you."

Music helps
To put me to sleep
Relax me and dull the world
So I can finally dream

Music helps
To let me go
To set me free
And let me sleep.

Music helps
Everyone and everything
In every way
You can imagine.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

~~A Reason Behind The Curtain~~

So I sit across from him
In the library
Exhausted, but curious
He looks, into my eyes
And he asks
A simple question:
"Kiddo, what do you
"Think we're living for?"
I pause, before giving
Him my usual answer:
"I live to help
"Others. To seek
"Happiness, hope, dreams.
"I live to remember,
"And never repeat,
"The past. I live to prepare
"For the future. I live
"For my friends, for their safety.
"I live, dear friend, to drink coffee."
He laughs at my speech, grinning
Widely, as if
He was a snake
And I a witless bird
"Kiddo, that is just
"Your noble speech
"You are like me--you live
"Without a reason. Too damned bullheaded
"To die. Too lazy
"To take a gun
"Deep throat it
"Pull the trigger
"And snuff it."
I glared at him
Did he truly believe that?
That we're just
Living for the dying?
With no purpose
Or will to be better?
I could see how
He lived that way:
His grades kept at a
Barest minimum
Just enough to keep
His parents off his back
His hundreds of hobbies

Countless projects began
And left untouched

His flurry of
Agitated motion
His heady blur
Of logic and prayer
Everything seeming
To be important
But none of it mattering
He grins
As he watches
The knowledge
Of him
Spring into my mind
He grins
As the realizations
Hit my mind
And pick at
My carefully crafted
And then
He rams
"Now, kiddo
"Take a look at me
"I live for nothing
"And I'll die
"Exactly the way
"That I have lived.
"I have
"No purpose
"No greater reason.
"I've spent this life
"A'wandering. Looking
"For a reason, or just
Taking up time
"Until I can call
"It quits? I don't really know.
"God knows I've led
"One hell of a life.
"Done some crazy things
"Fell in love
"Time and time again.
"Always said I'd relax
"Stop this game
"And sure I ain't proud
"Of all the things I've done
"But it doesn't matter now
"Never did, and it never will.
"We're all dead meat."
I stare at him
As my traitorous mind
Begins to carefully erect
The connections
He grins, and continues
"I hate to say this, kiddo, but
"We're one and the same.
"You speak of love
"Of things pretty and bright, of
"A greater purpose. Some
"Greater reason. Well
"For someone who doesn't
"Believe in God, God knows
"You speak a lot of him.
"You speak, so nobly
"Of loving, saving, helping.
"Oh kiddo, admit it.
"You really don't care.
"All of it is an act, ain't it?
"You live to die
"Just like me.
"And I won't presume
"To be the one
"Who shatters your mask.

"But at least I'm the one
"Who cares enough to notice

"That you're wearing one."
I close my eyes

He was right, of course.
I was so very good
So very kind
But only because
That was who
I wanted my self to be
I was nothing but a fake
Just like the rest
Of mankind
But I was also a fake
With the desire
For the truth:
"So if there
"Is no reason, then why
"Do we exist in the first place?"
He grins at my question
"Because we do.
"We as a species exist
"To fuck up, mess up, pretty up
"The world around us.
"Well listen up, kiddo
"I've got info for ya:
"There ain't no greater reason
"There ain't no greater power
"There ain't some old
"Wizened man
"Behind the curtain.
"There ain't no God.
"No so-called 'Creator.'
"We exist because we
"Want to, and we want to
"Because we're all bloody fools.
"There's no reason kiddo.
"But if you've gotta have a God
"Then make this whole
"Piece of shit world
"Into your God.
"We as humans
"Have more power
"To effect, ruin, and destroy
"This entire freaking world
"Than anything before us."
I sighed, and closed my eyes tighter

Not wanting his world view
To throw mine

Into disarray
He grins

And leaves me there alone
With my thoughts.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

~~Again I'm Back.--Life Post~~

Erm uh hey people, long time no see eh? Well, what do you want me to say people? That I've been really busy (aka conked out in front the TV not doing anything) and not able to post often? Well, I've actually been really busy. Even though my social life is still rather empty at school, I'm doing alright, and chances are this weekend Ted and I are gonna be hanging out again. We spent most of Easter Weekend together, sitting curled on the couch in my basement, shooting things and attacking each other with big frigging guns. Don't ya love video games?

I've gotta tell ya, kiddies, we are actually one hell of a cute couple. I'd post a picture of us together, but we don't have a good one yet, so I'll have one for you guys later. He's around five eleven, probably twice my weight, cuddly sized, warm, his hair is so very soft and a kind of brownish red, he has blue eyes, a beard, and he's just....adorable. He laughs at everything I say, he bugs me so much because he thinks I'm adorable when I'm mad, he cuddles me, kisses me, gives me goose bumps just by running his hand down my bare arm....I adore him. And worship him. I have no clue how long we've been in love but it's been a while now, and....And I can't compare anyone else that I have ever been with to him. I love him so much....

So how is school going? Well everything is going fine, getting my report card soon. My geography is probably going to be my lowest at an eighty two, which is fine with me and my parents. Anything above an eighty is good. I think my science mark is around a ninety though, which is amazing if I do say so myself. XD I made a massive map in geography class, and I think that I actually did well. It was supposed to be a map of a city of our own design, and my city was complicated, pretty well designed, and had a total of sixty six different kinds of buildings, colour coded symbols with a colour coded legend to go along with it. Yes. Yes I am a try hard. Shut it chu know I'm epic. xD

Alright kiddies, so I've covered school, friends, and mah bf. Well what about how I am?

I haven't been writing my novel lately.....But I guess I'll pick it up again during summer. I don't have time to write novels any more, nor do I possess the energy. One of these days I'll have to edit the ones I've written, and maybe post a teaser chapter to them. I've written:

  1. For Freedom Shall I Die
  2. Hunter's Game
  3. The Stone Gate
  4. What Happens Next
And there might be one more but I don't remember it...And there are also various short stories, anthologies, and as you well know, hundreds of poems. O_O I write a lot don't I?

I wish I could write more kiddies, I truly do....I just haven't had the interest lately. Been avoiding the computer because I'm avoiding my online life.

I think that I'm done taking a break from it though....
I'm missed, so it's time I go back, at least a bit.

I love you kiddies.


Oh and I....?

Chu are epic.

~~Her Rain: A Story of Love~~

I'm standing here
A heartbeat
From being with her
She's sitting there
A heartbeat
From leaving me forever
Our heartbeats
Pound in time
She looks up
At me
Looks down
At water

At the river
That awaits her

I drown
In her rain
I burn
In her fire
She turns
And looks at me
She swallows
Whisper something
That barely passes
For an apology
My eyes close
Say, very softly
"It's okay."
I couldn't move
Couldn't run forward
I knew I couldn't
Get to her
In time
And she....
She knew this too
She shuddered
And said
Ever so softly
"Please give me....
"One reason...."
I know the words
She whispers next
Even though the wind
Snatches the sound
Away from me:
"One reason to live."
I open my eyes
Ad say
Softly, so softly
Like silk:

"Live for me."
"But I've....
"I've hurt you."

I shiver
At these words
Yes...Yes she has hurt me
She hurt me
More than anyone else
In my entire life
More than my father
Who beat me
More than my mother
Who abandoned me

More than the bullies
Who made my childhood hell

(And my high school life as well)
More than my so-called friends
Who will abandon me before this all ends
But I couldn't deny
The love that ached
In my veins
I couldn't deny
Her temptation
My beautiful Black Rose
"Everyone hurts me."
I say softly, before continuing
"I love you.
"Please let me
"Be your reason.
"Because you're mine."
I look at her
Watch her
Take in my words
She smiles
Ever so faintly
And steps
Off the railing
Onto the bridge
And fall
Into my arms.

~~Long Distance: A Mind Reading Story~~

So faint
But growing stronger
They reach my mind
My eyes
The voice
The words
The touch of sorrow
And the tender
Eternal affection

"You're alive...."
I whisper

Scarce daring
To believe
"You....You're alive!"
I scream, and
Form my thoughts
Into a message
A howl
A prayer
A begging cry:
A swift
Of pure silence
A cry
A greeting
A smile
A laugh
Her voice
I clutch the bed
The connection
Her mind fumbles
A tendril
Sent into mine
I grasp it
Clench it in
My mind's grasp
The connection
Establishes and grows
Becomes strong
Our voices laugh
"Where were you?"
I cry, curiosity
And worry
Flooding the voice
Of my mind
Her mind baulks
I can feel he
Searching for
An answer
Eventually she says
Ever so softly:
"I took it."
My entire mind
In horror
And fear
"You took the Cure?
"So you couldn't read minds?"
I sense her nod
I close my eyes, tug
At the connection
Ensnaring her
In my mind
She flinches
I do not let go
"David, I had to
"I couldn't take
"Being so connected..."

"But don't you love me?"
I say softly

"I thought I was
"Your soul mate."
She ignores my words

And replies with:
"I...I have someone else."
A part of me snaps

Red like blood
Flows from me
Into her
I hear her
The redness
Sears our
Floods us with agony
"Who?" I ask
Forcing away the red
"Her name's Lacy."
I freeze. Burn.
Blackness floods me
My veins
I snap the connection
Protecting her
From the cold anger
When it dissipates
I go back
Connect to her mind again
"Where does this Lacy live?"
A brief silence
A restless shift
"In my home town."
She says finally
"I'm the country beside yours."
I reply harshly
"I've been saving up
"For two years
"To move in with you."
I continue, hate
Starting to boil
In my voice

She flinches
Sensing all of it

"You can't come here, David."
"Why not?"
"I've changed and...
"And I don't love you."
The words she speaks
Oh how they sear
The skin!
How they burn
My mind!

"How long...?"
I ask shakily

"How long has this
"Been kept from me?"
"I took the Cure
"When she first

"Kissed me."
I close my eyes

"So longer than six months."
I sense her nod again
"I'm sorry, David...."
"No, don't apologize."
I break the connection
Collapse into the bed
And send a soft tendril
Into Jane's bed
Who reads
A few buildings away:
"The answer's yes."
I close my eyes
Let the connection drift
Lose purchase
I fall asleep
With a soft smile
On my lips.

~~His Little Angel~~

I curl up
Against his side
Hear his breath
Soft laughter
Familiar voice
He breathes
Wraps an arm
So warm
Around my shoulders
He holds me
Kisses me
Strokes his hand
Through my hair
I shiver
He smiles, softly
Runs a hand
Down my arm
Laughing when goosebumps rise
He raises my chin
Pushes my glasses
Back up my nose
Meets my eyes
Smiles, so tenderly
Kisses my nose
And lets me go
Back down on his chest
And I fall asleep
In his arms
And as I slip
Into dreamless sleep
He whispers
Into the silence:
"I love you....
"My little angel."

~~Forgotten Love: A Story Told In Free Verse~~

So today's the first
Day back
Summer's over apparently
I look, and spy
My girlfriend
From last semester
Before summer came.
I haven't seen her since
The last day of school
Been a while...
"Hey," said I, looking
Deep, deep, searching
For an old feeling
Something I no longer felt
"Oh, hey Jamie," Ashley said softly
Her blue eyes
Like fallen
Of sky
Drop demurely
To the tiled
Hallway floor
"How was summer?"
She asks, such a
Simple question. A
Floundering try
For the resuming
Of old and worn feelings?
Or just a simple
Conversation starter?
I fumble for an
Answer, something
Above all else:
"It was nice. Video games
"Reading. Hiking, Texting.
"You know
"The drill."
She nods, and she
Raises her small round

In a distracted shrug

"Mine was good. Camp."
Ashley says softly
Her eyes flicking
Darting like the
Final brief twitchings
Of an insect's legs
Before they die
Her eyes meet mine
And this time
My eyes drop to the floor
Away from hers
I fumble, flick
My ragged black hair
Out of my eyes
Shove hands into jeans pockets
Sift through the English language
Searching for
The perfect word:
"Cool," I say, kicking
Restlessly at the floor
She nods, and says
And slowly

And I slowly

Snap out of
My reverie
And sprint
Catching her arm
Pressing my lips to hers
Just one last time
Before I let her go
I smile faintly
Help her pick up
The books she'd
When I grabbed her
She gives a nod
Of thanks
And wanders away
But this time
Three little words
Three little
Drop into
The azure ocean
Of pure silence:


Never let yourself down
Never sacrifice your dreams
Never give up hope

Never stop breathing
Never stop loving

Never forget
Never regret
Never break in two
Never stop wishing on shooting stars
Never end
Never give up
Never leave the world behind
Never let me go.....

~~As Time Goes By~~

We grow up slowly
Trying hard to learn
Living and getting older
Slowly growing colder
Everything drifts away
We close ourselves off
As time goes by
The screams grow quiet
Everything changes and nothing stays the same
Nothing can remain
Friends forever walk away
And are eventually forgotten
Love waxes and wanes
And things begin to rearrange
I loved you
And I still remember you
But now can you please
Just close yourself off?
So I don't hurt you?
So long has passed since
We last spoke
I wish I could have said goodbye
But our time went by


Finally, here I am
Standing here, doing what I can
To stay alive and keep him here
And right now my only fear
Is losing him
And the feeling of his skin
When he touches me
How it feels my heart with glee
and oh I love him so
The first real love I ever did know
So won't he hold me tight?
I know the law says this isn't right
But f**k I need him now
I'll run into his arms somehow
I need someone to hold me
To help and worship me
And if this is just infatuation
Then it'll be over by summer vacation
And I won't have to worry any more
Cuz he'll be out the door.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

~~Hehe Hola--Life Post~~

Hey kiddies, guess who. It’s me of course. The young blogger who doesn’t post as much as she should—even though her blog is actually increasing in popularity with every day that goes by. I wonder who the heck  is reading it anyways….Is it a large amount of people, or just one person who really doesn’t have very much of a life….? Well, either way I’m grateful for all of the views. I love you kiddies, and I always will.
You know, I have actually no freaking clue as to why I started calling you guys ‘kiddies.’ That goes all the way back to the beginning of this blog, all the back to October 3rd. I’ve come so far since then….Do I miss the way my life was before now? Or do I believe that now is the greatest time of my life, now that all the hell has been left alone and I finally have a real life? Yes….I think that now is when my life begins, and when I leave everything else behind.
Of course I’ll keep trying to update on this as often as I can—I don’t wanna leave you kiddies. I love you so much, and I owe you guys quite a bit for sticking with me through hell and high water. I’ve been on this blog for over half a year now, and I plan on keeping with it through everything.
I love ya kiddies!
So I guess I’ll see ya all later….
I’ve got French and drama class to get to peopleses.
I love ya forever, kiddies.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


What we wanted
Didn't know the risks
Didn't consider it
Lost in a need unknown
Unable to fight it
We didn't know the risks
We didn't know what we were doing
But now we've made a mistake
Regret in our hearts
Is it too late?
Did we do something wrong?
Our eyes search
Hands clutch at hands
Eyes drop to the floor again
Minds whirl in an ocean
An ocean of red
Hearts drown in a river
Of black
Was this a mistake?
Was it?
Or was it just a decision
We made too soon...?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

~~Real Life Love: A Love Poem~~

I’ve never felt this way...
Entirely dependent
Requiring, needing
Unable to smile
To stay strong
Or even to simply get out of bed
Without a memory of you to strengthen me
A fight for the future
A deep-set need
For your touch
Your eyes
Your smile
Your lips
Your arms, wrapped around me
Your smell and warmth
Your comforting laughter
Your silly grin
Your everything....
YOU’RE everything.
I need you
And I keep wondering
Who I’m going to need to be
To be able to keep you
Because after everything I’ve done....
How far I’ve travelled
How many hearts I’ve broken
How many times I’d ran
A hundred miles an hour
In the wrong direction
Could I have finally found you?
Someone who is perfect for me?
Everything I want
And everything I need?
Do you need me?
Will you one day tire of me?
Or can I surrender all my fears?
Unlearn the lessons that
A thousand
Have taught me
I learned to second guess
To regret
To pick apart
To forget the good
To focus on the bad
To play the game
Spin the tales
Lie with a golden tongue
Do everything I could
To keep from letting
People into my inner sanctuary
My final defense:
A wall, around me
Carved of diamond
Dotted with dragons
I lived within
Alive yet not
And so many tried to get to me
Until you...
You broke in
And I....
I welcomed you.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

~~Perhaps I Will Have This--Life Post~~

So kiddies, what am I gonna say to you? I'm doing really well, certainly improving. <3 And I know exactly why I'm doing so well. I have, at long last, a real life boyfriend. And no I am not kidding you. Your dear, sweet, online chickyboo has gotten her *ss off the internet at long last xD
So, who am I dating exactly...?
Well...Where the heck do I start lol?
His name's Ted--his name feels like a good place to start.....We met on the bus, he goes to a different school than me but I get to see him every day. :D I know it's only for around twenty minutes a day and I'm still shy and still not willing to talk around a lot but I still get to see him and he's the first person I actually ever touched...The first person I've ever really held hands with, the first person who's shoulder I've ever used as a pillow when I'm tired, the first person I've ever felt so safe with....
The first words he said to me: "A pretty girl like you doesn't need to ask if she can sit with me."
That was so sweet of him.....
But due to my shyness we didn't really get to know each other until a few weeks ago when I left him my number. And then we were talking daily and I couldn't believe I had found him. He is so sweet, so kind, so understanding....
And he's going to help me.
I've been doing really well lately, mainly because I've found someone like him. I don't know where I would go without him, where I would be. I might love him.....
I trust him.
And screw it I love him.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


The curtain starts drifting down
Clenching hands start letting go
We fall to our knees
Is this the end?
The tears begin to drown
All the pain, everything we did know
Scabbed lips whimper, "Just a bit more....Please....?"
There's nothing left, dear little friend
The applause starts to sound
Our show is done, and we file off stage
Where are we going?
Does anyone know?
The fires begin to surround
I collapse into my cage
The fear is overflowing
And the watchers turn to go....

~~One Last Day~~

Hey, it's just one last day
One last chance to play
So sit with me here tonight
I know this ain't right
But kiss me....
Hold me......
Please, don't turn away
Today'll be our final day
There's so much to say
But what do I say?
Do I apologize
For the tears falling from your eyes?
Do I tell you I love you
Even though I've hurt you?
What do I say
On this, our final day....?
Will you remember me?
The good times, not the agony?
Or will you let me go
And act like you didn't know
Who I was in the first place?
And just forget my face.....?

~~I'm Still Here~~

I'm still here, playing every little game
So what if I've stopped feeling shame?

I've gotten so many hearts
Gotten so many fresh starts

So dude are you afraid?
I'm the girl you thought you played
I'm the babygirl you'd hold close as she cried
This love in my eyes is the love you thought that died
The love that was never really there
So do you really think I care?
I'm getting ready to play
Time to take you down today
You love me, you hold me
Shelter me, forgive me
In the end you'd die for me
But I'm the cause of all your agony
I'm your sweet babygirl
So perfect, but cuz of me you should hurl
If you looked inside, I'd make you sick
My perfect little ass needs a good kick
Don't you think I ain't real?
Don't you think I can't feel?
But the lightning's in my eyes
And you're running for your life
And then back to me you come
Damn, aren't you dumb?
Shouldn't you be running away
From the girl you thought you could play?