~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Saturday, March 31, 2012

~~Raphael's Letter~~

Hold on to me tightly now
Here comes the cliff
And the final leap of faith
Let me lift you in my wings
Don’t you see the dawn’s light?
Little one I’m here for you
I will shelter you
In my arms and curl you close
I’ll look into your eyes
Kiss your hair
And hold you against me
Listen to my heart beat
Listen to the familiar sound
Dry your unfamiliar tears
And smile that smile I know so well
Do you hear my heart beat love?
Do you see my smile?
I’m standing here right beside you
Holding you against me again
Don’t cry, don’t cry
Shush, little one, please
If there is no one else
If you are abandoned and alone
If no one is hearing your screams
If you’re begging to be released
If you’re standing on the edge
About to fall and drown
Longing for the final freedom
Then just call my name
And I will be there
My beautiful girl
My little one

~~Hurting You By Breathing~~

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Emptiness flowing, hardness inside
A vicious victorious grin
I can’t take this right now
Standing so tall—but it’s all fake
Nothing is right—nothing at all
Breathing inside, but drowning without
So much doubt, and confidence
I guess I know the reasons
I guess I know its cause
I guess I know who to blame
I guess I know what to do
But I don’t know why
Why does this have to happen?
Who made this decision?
Who? Why? When? Where? How?
This just isn’t right…..
I love you
But I don’t
I trust you
But I’m afraid
I need you
But I could live without you
I can’t hurt you
But I’m hurting you by breathing!
You’re the last thing that’s good
The last one I really want
The last hurrah of heaven
But you
Are not the one I need
I’m dying here alone
As you’re watching me bleed
I hurt you by being alive
You hurt me by being dead
Won’t you just see?
Won’t you just turn around and look
Right back at me?
But if you looked
Would it change anything?
Or would I still be here
Hurting you?
Hurting me?
Dying inside
And praying for a freedom
That I will never get?
Is it meaningless to apologize?
It is, when you don’t mean it
At all.

~~Your Blood On My Hands~~

Standing up, time to fight
But only to fall again
When will the bell ring to signal the night?
Only God knows when
Fighting the same fight
Winning the same war
Gazing at the dawn’s light
What are we fighting for?
I’m just standing here
My notched blades held high
My heart’s pounding in fear
And blood’s pouring down my thigh
I can’t take this, but I have to
There’s no other choices or places to be
I’m fighting because of you
You’re dead because of me!
Unable to contain your lust
You would hold me close
Whether this was right or just
Not even Hell knows
You’re dead because of me
I’ve got your blood on my hands
No one feels this agony
And no one understands
I wish I could speak to warn you
But I’ve just gone mute
I owe my life to you
But they’ve given you the boot
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize
The battle can’t be won
I guess that every one dies
You were just the first one….

~~Happeh Birthday To Me.....!!!! :D--Life Post~~

Yo kiddies, guess who....Why yup that's who, the only person who ever posts on this xD 'Tis Angel, so hey y'all.

Today is mah birthday! So I figured I'd post, check in with all of you guys xD

I love you all! Here, have poems........ <3

Monday, March 26, 2012

~~Friends I Meet--Life Post~~

Well, I suppose the time has come for yet another extremely long life post. I haven’t posted very often these days, and I do not have that much of an excuse for it. I’ve been under some amounts of stress from school and my social life (I’m freaking broke dudes! I used to have like six hundred dollars and it all disappeared on meh….I spent it on my friends this March Break. I went to the mall three times, bought lunch for them each time, went to the movies and paid for it, rented movies as well, and then spent the last hurrah of it last Friday on my friend Fatum’s b-day out at Pizza Hut) and I am also trying to catch up on my reading. I haven’t read a book in so very long it’s actually scary. I’m doing reasonably well in school, and my only worries about it are in French….It’s pretty much my worst subject and I CANNOT risk doing badly in it. I do not want to have to take it again next year (which I will be doing anyways because I’ve got to likely take it until the grade eleven) and my parents will also kill me if I flunk it. For my family anything below an eighty average is a fail. So…Yeah this should be fun.
There’s a test in geo class tomorrow as well, which I am also minorly worried about. I’m going to be studying for most of tonight, which is why I’m typing all of this up at lunch—even though I can’t actually post it while in school because school is seriously annoying. I’m doing pretty well in that class, as I’ve done all the projects, but I’m still worried about the test.
Okay, so I’ve been blabbing about school. And the title of this post says absolutely nothing about school. So….onto the actual topic of this post!
I am freaking adoring my friends. My main gang is now Sun-Jung, Fatum, Ian, Shawn, and Ted. They’re who I talk to most these days. Sun-Jung I’ve spoken about before along with Fatum, and they are the most epic girls I’ve ever met. Sun-Jung is a Korean girl who freaking adores Japanese culture—such as mangas—and Fatum…dear god how do I describe her? She is brilliant, interested in psychology, sociology, philosophy, and she spends so much time looking up things like transhumanism and everything else and she is so deeply involved in political things that I just stare at her sometimes….Oh I love my gang. And Ian….oh dear god what do I say about him? Ian and I talk alike, we think alike, we’ve had reasonably similar life experiences, we’ve both been in the same emotional state where we feel nothing and operate entirely on logic (that’s where I am now; it’s a form of defense mechanism and I will open up again but not soon. Ian was in this state for eleven years), we like a lot of the same things, and he is a sixteen year old who I have never even seen a picture of that lives down in Ohio. Shawn is also someone I cannot describe—he has a lot of secrets and a lot of rough edges, but he is still an amazing guy who I care about a lot and is going to try and come up here in time for me to turn fifteen in….five days. He’s pretty much my older brother, and he is just plain amazing. I owe him a lot. And Ted…guy on my bus, eighteen years of age, very sweet and very kind, a good friend. He’s helping me through a couple of rough patches and helping me be a lot less shy. So yay I finally have a real life guy friend lol. ^~^
Well world what is there left for me to chat about?
I have one humongous issue but…for a few reasons and a few promises made…I cannot tell it. I can handle it alone, but there are a handful who know. Despite my best attempts to keep it secret.
I just have a question…What does someone have to do to you to make them deserve to die?
Would they have to beat you with a stick and insult you every day for six months? Molest you? Spread rumors about you? Kill one of your friends? Harm one of the things or people you care about? Threaten you? Have a hit put on them?
What would someone have to do to make them deserve death?
Before anyone asks, I am no murderer. I just am curious about this issue, its something that Shawn and I have been debating about for the past few days. Told ya he has a few rough edges lol.
I’ve been so tired lately kiddies, so busy. Not many very late nights, but hey it doesn’t exactly matter. Sometimes it’s not the length of the day that tires you the most, but the activities you do within that time period and the people you spend them with.
I know I said earlier that I was relatively closed off inside, and I am. I am truly closed off almost entirely. Did I ever tell you that I have actually made several pros and cons lists for my love life? I’m entirely serious about that. There is one for Adam, who I have barely spoken to in weeks and we have decided to break up until we meet. There is one for Alexander, for Shade, for every last freaking person I have ever dated that actually mattered.
This state I am in is an attention seeking one, and possibly one that means I am also seeking love a great deal. I am rather secure in myself, but I still enjoy feeling cared about. I am relatively fine, entirely functional in my day to day life, but I am greatly changed inside. I wish I knew how long I am to remain in this state, but there is no real guarantee that I will ever break free of it. And even when I do break free of it I will swing in the opposite direction, out of logic and into emotion and insanity for a while before I reach my former and original state of balance between the two. Things have been shaken up within my mind as outward actions harm me, but through all of it I have maintained life and most of the illusion of me has been kept up enough to not show many major indications of inner pain or agony.
I wonder who I am. Am I still who I was so long ago? Or have I changed?
Does it even matter anymore?
Well kiddies, I am once again finding myself scrambling for anything to blog about.
This blog, Normal Ain’t Normal, has been with me for a very long time, longer than many people. It began at around the end of Emily, did it not? Around the beginning of October….Ah, how long a time it has been. Around half a year. Well half a year upon this site—that’s actually quite the accomplishment. I keep wondering how long it will continue, and I’m hoping it will go on throughout my entire life.
I love you kiddies, will you do me the favor of growing old by my side?
And perhaps one day making the same journey into eternity of being remembered….
Can I ask you a favor? Even when I am dead and gone, could some of you find a way to make sure it’s still being read? That I live on somehow? I do not want to be forgotten loves, ‘tis my greatest fear. I love you all, with all my heart, love without end.

~~Tiredness--Old One~~

I can't think
It hurts to move
I feel so sick
My stomach aches
Oh lord just let me sleep
I can't breathe
My shoulders ache
My throat is dry
My head hurts
And I'm so mad
Why didn't my partner
Lift up a finger
To help me on the project?
Instead she sat there
Doing nothing
Just looking up things
Things that don't help
Things that have no use
She hasn't done a thing
To help on this project
Day one she slept
Day two she sat
Silent as the grave
Staring at the computer
While I worked beside her
And now I'm
Almost done
She hasn't done
A single thing
And there's a drama
In a few hours
And I can't do it
I'm too


Shine, whisper, call
Personality electric
Needed and required
No one else
Non one but the one inside

Your own soul
As strong as your desire

As weak as your bones
As black as your sins
As white as your kindnesses
You are your own soul
It reflects your deeds
It is you.


It comes from within
Pouring down
From my heart
Through my hand
And into the pencil
Forming words
And beauty
Upon the page
Poems and words
Images and feelings
My strength and weakness
All upon the page
Each secret hidden
Between the lines
Obvious enough
If you care to look
But unless you look
You'll only see
The flow
Of blood

~~What's Right~~

What's right is wrong
What's wrong is right
Please don't walk away
Please don't go away from me
I know nothing makes sense
I know all the baggage
Drags you down
I know the emotions
Make you lose your mind
I know nothing
Seems like it's right
But trust me baby
You'll make it through

All the shadows
And all the pain

Into the light again
Because that's just
The kind of amazing
Girl you are
And she will never break
I will
Never let

~~Chocolate--An Ex From A Long While Back~~

You are so sweet
I can't let go of you
"I want
"To make you
"My name."
I blushed so hard
When you told me that
Oh dear god
I've never blushed so much
You fell for me
So freaking fast
I barely know you
And yet I know
I never want
To let you go
My sweet

~~Always Forever--Old One I Dunno Who It Was For~~

Stuck into a love
I can't escape it
Do I want to
Say goodbye to all of you?
Despite all the darkness
Despite all the faults

You and I are amazing
And I won't want

To ever leave you
There's always forever
Always forever
To regret it
Always forever
To escape it
Always forever
To be happy
And maybe
One day
I will
Love you


So much useless things
No reason for it all
Just sitting in chairs
Listening to the teachers lecture
There isn't anything to do
Just boredom
Just boredom, plain and simple
And oh you could escape in your mind
But you really can't
This will be on the test
So just pay attention
And write
A hell of a lot
Of free verse poetry.


Writing, carving, mapping, gluing
Working hard and working fast
Music pumping
From my headphones
Pounding sound to erase
The voices
The sound of doubt
Within my mind
Bent over a project
Hissing heartless encouragement
Clenching teeth and refusing to stop
Fighting to stay awake
A vicious, but non-victorious


Adorable and sweet
A good and loyal friend
Funny and smart
An angel and a devil
Eager to please
Always looking for fun
Always hunting
Always so perfect
Beautiful and young
Also so broken
Fix me and heal me
My smile is so sweet
Don't you ever leave
Your black-winged baby girl.

~~Sins--An Old One~~

Lust, tainted and black
Unending fire
Pin me down
Make me moan
Make me scream your name
Sins, sins black
Touches, touches white
A tender caress
A harsh slap
Blood and bruises
Sweet as chocolate
Sharp as a knife
Whips and chains
Trained, untrained
No regrets
And no fear.


Beneath, pinned, tied, held down
Screams, groans, whimpers, yelps
So afraid and hurt
Yet you know you like it
Pleasure from the pain
Feeling alive again
That's all we want
Just to feel alive
Even if its not for long
We just want to live
Even though it hurts
And there's not a thing wrong
With wanting to play
Even if its a game of knives
A game of cruelty
And of pain.


Scattered, fast, hate
Focused, slow, love

Our words
Our emotions

Spelled out
Upon the screen
Impeccable grammar
A creative roleplay
A flirtatious cyber
A ferocious rap
Speeding thumbs
Pounding fingetips
Your only secrets
Upon the screen
A swift leap of faith
A need to be less lonely
"Can I add you?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Can I trust you?"
"Can I love you?"
"Can I need you?"
"Can I meet you?"
"Can I marry you?"
So many words
Typed out
Upon the screen


Within me, inside
Hidden, unseen, open
Only to me and my visitors
Blacked out ball
Inferno within the kitchen
Darkest city
My flaming realms
Tortured screams
Small young slave
Gentle sweet skin
Purely addictive
An angel, a man
Of purity and hope
My love and light
And then his twin
His vicious silk-clothed twin
Sin and sinner
Fire and lighter
Balance out the good
And then the untamed chaotic wild
An angel to protect
To guard and to teach
To protect them all
And then her tiny draconic pet
To bring a smile
To every pair of lips
Within the Mansion
Within my home

~~Muted Perfection~~

Can't, can't, can't speak
Can't, can't, won't feel
No just no, why do you ask that?
Yes why yes, why do you want that?
Muted silent fast
Sprinting flying racing
Doesn't, can't matter
Won't need to care
I might be here
I'm just not there
Stop it please
You've brought me to begging
Don't you love me?
Aren't I special?
Or am I just
Not extraordinary?
I'm just someone
An ordinary girl
Soon to be fifteen
Hour glass waist
A need
To feel
Desperate to please
Stop it stop it stop
You're lying to me
I just
Just don't
Care at all
I can't speak
I'm okay with that
I can't fight
You like that
I am perfect
So make

Sunday, March 25, 2012

~~For My Brothers~~

No, no, no, no no
Just get me outta this place....
Hey bro, you there?
Course you are, now hug me man
I need ya, listen
I love ya, speak
Come on bro, I'm your sis
Be there, do it, hold on, hold on....
Never let me go
I don't know what you want me to say
But I'll keep trying
I'll be here for you
Every step of the way
Just pick me up
Carry me out
And be there for me
I love you bro
No matter what, what, what.....
I'm here for you.

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Standing afraid, unafraid
Played and won
The battles that are done
The lights within the shade
Revenge, sweet and sour
The bells, toiling, toiling
The lies, uncoiling
The shadows growing every hour
Stand, stand, stand and breathe
Chase your dreams, pull back your bow
All this, no one but us will know
Give a grin and flash your teeth
Allies, foes, murderers, death, destroy it all!
Why, why, why, why why?
Why fight when you inevitably die?
Why get up when you'll only fall?
But stand, take my hand, and let out a sigh
I know your legs are shaking--mine are too
But know that I am here, standing with you
Until the day we both die.

~~What Would It Take--Life Post~~

What would it take for you to stop loving someone? For you to lock them out of your heart, flee, forget, eradicate them from your life entirely? How deeply would you have to trust someone with a secret so black and horrific to remain by their side, forever, not fearing that they could one day turn and hurt you?

What if they had seriously hurt someone? Would you still be there with them? What if they had killed? What if they..what if they had done worse? How far would you be willing to go to stay with that person? How deeply would you have to trust them to be willing to be there, knowing that they could just as easily hurt you as they have hurt so many others? How much would you have to care?

What would it take for you to stop loving your best friend?

I don't know that answer....Because I've found out one of my best friend's secrets, and I'm standing still with them. I love you. No matter what.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

~~Words Within~~

Words, words, words pouring out
Setting me free, in the night, throughout
Shadows black, encasing me
Lights white, blinding me
Standing tall on weak legs
Hanging up my damp coat on ageing pegs
Standing still at the window, sipping
At the coffee that had poured dripping
From the machine's spout, black, black and bitter
In this life, I refuse to be a quitter
I will stand and I will fall
In the night, to the black raven's call
The whispering of an eager slave
As she drowns under agony's red wave
The harsh ringing laugh of the Master
As he fans Hell's flames, faster and faster
The flapping of an angel's wings
The harsh warning bell that rings
The tempter of sin
The shadow within
And then his bright-eyed twin
His soothing voice drowns out the din
The din that is found in the words within
Among the brilliant words, underneath my skin.....

~~Older Wounds, Secret Scars~~

Hidden deep, stashed
Under floor boards, beneath walls, under pillows
Hidden under bracelets and sleeves
No one speaks and no one smiles
Old wounds cover every surface
But they are almost everywhere
Do you see them?
They are there
Hidden behind smiles
Hidden behind laughter
Hidden behind hugs
Hidden behind kisses
Hidden behind false words
Hidden behind wedding rings
Hidden, hidden, hidden...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

~~Remnant Of A Memory~~

Did I ever let you go?
Did I truly ever escape?
This black world is the only one I know
And you give me a shape
Hour glass waist
Soft sweet skin
Wanna know how I taste?
Wanna know how I feel when you're within.....?
I give up and I howl and I scream
Inside I fight back but I continue
Living this nightmare's sinful dream
Simply because I never let go of you...

~~I Can't, But Why?~~

I can't hear my own voice screaming
I can't feel my own weeping
I can't stop my limbs from shaking
I can't breathe my own breaths
I can't beat my own heart
I can't dream my own dreams
I just can't do this any more
Why did we fall so hard?
Why did it all come crashing down?
Why did the rain drown us all?
Why did the truths become lies?
Why did everything we try always fail?
Why did you need to leave me here?
Why did I need to be left alone?
Why don't I just stop trying?

~~Hey Sistah~~

Look over here!
Something's wrong
Don't you see? 
Just look at me..
I'm not smiling
I look like I'm crying
Don't you know what's wrong?
Hey sistah, look at me
Can't you see this smile is faked?
Hey sistah, you know I love you
But did I ever tell you how?
Hey sis, hey my best friend
Why won't you ask me why I don't speak?
Hey sis, what's wrong?
Why are you laughing while I cry inside?

~~Long Distance~~

Sitting here with one of my best friends
I try to explain to her why everything gold ends
But she won't ever understand
The agony that is felt by a few across the land
The agony of never being able to see
The ones that complete you and me
The pain of being alone
When people swear you're not on your own
She doesn't understand it
Because she's never felt it
She has never cursed the distance
The thrice-accursed, horrific, hellish distance
That keeps me away from you
It's tearing me right in two
I wait in agony by my cell
Every second you don't text is a brand new hell
We haven't spoken in days
I can scarce see through this red-tinted haze
You complete me
You break me
Why, why, why, why, why?
Why does everything gold have to die?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

As A Favour To A Fan

I received an email, and it was from a very nice man who greatly loves this humble little blog of mine. So if you don't mind, how about you follow this link loves? It would only take a moment of your time, and the site is actually really good. Follow this link, and you will find a ton of job advertisements xD Hit it up, I'm planning on using that site myself when I'm old enough to actually work. Which reminds me, would you guys forgive me if I put adds on here......?

Click it. You know you want to.


A few simple words can not express
The things I want to say
A bookmark crafted of leather cannot show
The feelings I want to reveal
No gift that I can give you
Will show how I feel
You mean the world to me
And this is something I cannot explain
I would walk a thousand miles
Swim through fire
Burn and blast away my world
If it made you smile
You mean everything to me
And I would kill to hold you
Will you marry me?
You know I live for you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

~~Why Am I The Victim?~~

Why do you hate me

When all I want to do is live?

Why do you take everything

When I've got nothing left to give?
Why do you laugh at me
When I'm trying my best?
Why do you betray me
When all I ever did was be a friend, unlike the rest?
Why do you leave me
When all I did was love you?
Why do you say that you love me
When you always leave when I need you?
Why do you hurt me
When I always stitch your cuts?
Why do you beat me
When I always protected you, no ands ifs or buts?
Why do I still love you
When you never loved me?
Why do you spread rumors
When I never let the rumors about you be?
Why do you avoid me
When all I ever did was place my heart on your shelf?
Why do you call me a loser
When all I am is myself?
Why am I the victim
When all I am is me?

~~The Blade~~ (Old One)

The blade
Whispers in my ear
The call
So sweet, so gentle
Offering escape
“He hurt you, little angel…
“Now it’s time to hurt yourself”
I try to ignore it
Try to force it away
But it’s calling to me
Escape….Something I need
I need to escape, to flee, to run
But the escape it offers is a permanent one
Have I been driven to the edge?
Is this the end?
Will tonight my life
Pour onto the tile floor?
Who knows what the future brings?
The blade calls
Tells me,
“Little angel, come to me…..”
I try to ignore it
I try to fight it
But I can’t deny it
Tonight I fall
The final distance

~~I'm Afraid~~ (Old One for Emily)

I don't want to admit it

But you see it in my eyes
I don't want to admit it
But you see through my lies
I'm afraid
Afraid of being hurt once more
I'm afraid
Of reopening this door
I want you back
But it'll only mean pain
I want you back
But I doubt I can take this again
I love you
Forever, with all my heart
I love you
Forever, but we need to restart
I'm sorry
For all the agony
I'm sorry
But didn't you do the same to me?
I've surrendered to you
And my heart's filled with regret
I've surrendered to you
And I wish I could just forget
Will you be mine?
And me until the end of time?

~~Hidden Deep~~ (Old One)

Drowning slowly

Breathing easy
Dying now, and drifting away
Today is my final day
Rest in peace
Save me please
Losing you
I can't live without you
Slowly falling away
My final day
Hidden deep within
Buried beneath unscarred skin
Is my secret agony
The darkest side of me
My parents think they know
All there is to know
About their young baby girl
They've never found my inside world
Hidden deep inside my perfection
Lurks my greatest imperfection
My dark and deep loneliness
Why won't you save me from this
You're the only one that can
Save me from this again
Because I'm drowning
I'm slowly drowning......

///_- Enough Agony -_\\\

Look I'm done dying

I'm sick of crying

This emptiness inside
And all the things I've tried to hide
I'm done with all of them
You to hell I will condemn
But I will let you go
Even though I will never know
Why I was left behind
Even though for so long for your affection I'd pined
I'm done asking you why
I'm done wanting to die
I'm done dying, done lying awake
I'm done wondering how much I can take
Enough agony
You didn't break me
I'm getting back up, facing the day
So what if I'm not okay?
I'll be better eventually
You didn't manage to break me
So what if you were my world?
Now my wings have unfurled
You left me behind, broke me
But you see
You failed
I'd prevailed
I'm better now
And no matter how
No more agony
You didn't break me

Friday, March 9, 2012


I live my days unseen
No one ever knows me
And no one is watching me fall
I scream and I writhe and I kick
I fight and I flail and in the end I always fall
I can't even feel any regret
I can scarce feel guilt
Every deed I commit
I justify in my own mind
I annihilate every feeling that I don't require
Stop caring about everything I don't need
Let go of everyone I no longer want
I fly and I burn everything to hell
Because there's nothing else
Nothing else I know how to do
I grow older and I shatter
Before getting up again
I never let people in
But now I surrender.....
I give myself to you
Let you be my life and world
Adam, you are now
The only reason I keep fighting
Why I'm still here
Everything to me.....
I surrender.
I love you
And I will change
My life
And everything I am
For you.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

~~I Don't Care--Life Post~~

                Hey. I know a lot of you don’t know me. But this March Break I’m going to tell my story. Tell everything. As honestly as I can.
Actually, no, I won’t. I don’t want to be entirely obvious and too easy to know. I am very open, yes, but as my problems get larger and larger so does the circle of people there for me, and the less I need to use my blog as my sole outlet. I don’t need this blog for updates on my life, I don’t need to use it as a journal anymore. I have Ian and David and Shawn to tell everything to without any fear of judgment, and I will do whatever it takes to make my boys proud of me. To make my BROTHERS proud of me. All three of them are older than I am (Ian is sixteen, Shawn seventeen, and David is going on twenty); they are all a lot bigger (in height, weight, and size); they all care about me insanely deeply; they are all perverted, all three respect me and would never harm me; and ALL THREE LOVE CUDDLING ME! ^~^
And yet I have never met any of them.
Shawn is coming up to my hometown to visit a friend, and this summer I might be in _______ where David lives, so I could meet two of my bros this year! And I have gone on webcam several times with David, Shawn is working a lot more these days so he has no time, and I still don’t know Ian’s face.
Ah, well, I just love these guys so much….
Shawn is so sweet and funny, I freaking adore my big Irish lug David, and Ian…..Ian is giving me the help and strength needed to turn my life around. Around the time that we met, I found myself standing on a path I couldn’t get off, being dragged down it by people I thought I could trust. People who had made me feel loved and wanted even as they turned me into someone it was killing me to be. I found myself walking on my own down that path, my resistance getting weaker and weaker. And then Ian came, like the first few rays of sunlight in the earliest moments of dawn after a long and cold night, Ian called my name.
And I turned and started staggering my way towards him.
Because of Ian, those who had been dragging me down the path have gone away, courtesy of the block button and tears.
I hurt Master. I had broken myself free of him, him who had loved me and fought for me and done everything for me, and he had cared about me. And I had left him.
I’m sorry Master……I’m so sorry……So so sorry……
I had left him for my own good.
Had I stayed longer with him, my sense of self-respect and self-worth would have been stolen further from me.
But the damage had been done.
I’m on the road to recovery now, and Ian is guiding me down it.
It will take me a long while to get back the things stolen from me. Some things, like a lot of my innocence, are gone forever. And I will forever bear the scars from this experience.
A part of me is still walking down the path to hell. A part of me is still looking for an excuse to fall and break and get another to lift me to my feet. A part of me still wants to shatter.
But every other part of me?
Only wants to hear these words: I’m proud of you.
And I want to hear them most from my brothers Ian, David, and Shawn.
As long as they are proud of me, I will be okay.
Ian, I love you.
David, I love you.
Shawn, I love you.
Forever and ever.
Which, oh yeah, reminds me of the title. So here have a song.
Haha, drama queens, I hate you.
And I’m the queen of them all.

Monday, March 5, 2012

~~Goodbye to Courtney~~

Hey, wake up, it's a whole new day

Please don't shed a single tear

We've had a good long run

And I won't ever forget you

You're my little angel

Hurt so much but so strong

And girl I'm always here in spirit

Don't cry, there's nothing wrong

I'm sorry if I put you through hell

I will forever be proud of you

And knowing you has been fun

And maybe I'll only be gone a year.....

Holy shit babe it's cold out here today.

~~Your Eyes Are Closed~~

I'm standing in front of you

Falling to my knees

Watching everything you do

Whispering "Please......"

Please just know I'm here

But you aren't mine to take

You turned into someone so dear

That I know that when you eventually forsake

Me I will shatter and break in two

Because in the end

I truly did love you

My best friend......

~~A Black Rose's Thorns~~

I find myself trapped

Holding you tight in my arms

And no matter how hard I fight and flail

I pull you closer, hold you tighter

And I wish about you I didn’t care

But I’m caught in your thorns

And to run away I won’t dare

You’re my beautiful little fighter

But you will always fail

You are snapping me in two

Of my heart there’s only shards

And I’m feeding you the energy you’d sapped....