Well, I suppose the time has come for yet another extremely long life post. I haven’t posted very often these days, and I do not have that much of an excuse for it. I’ve been under some amounts of stress from school and my social life (I’m freaking broke dudes! I used to have like six hundred dollars and it all disappeared on meh….I spent it on my friends this March Break. I went to the mall three times, bought lunch for them each time, went to the movies and paid for it, rented movies as well, and then spent the last hurrah of it last Friday on my friend Fatum’s b-day out at Pizza Hut) and I am also trying to catch up on my reading. I haven’t read a book in so very long it’s actually scary. I’m doing reasonably well in school, and my only worries about it are in French….It’s pretty much my worst subject and I CANNOT risk doing badly in it. I do not want to have to take it again next year (which I will be doing anyways because I’ve got to likely take it until the grade eleven) and my parents will also kill me if I flunk it. For my family anything below an eighty average is a fail. So…Yeah this should be fun.
There’s a test in geo class tomorrow as well, which I am also minorly worried about. I’m going to be studying for most of tonight, which is why I’m typing all of this up at lunch—even though I can’t actually post it while in school because school is seriously annoying. I’m doing pretty well in that class, as I’ve done all the projects, but I’m still worried about the test.
Okay, so I’ve been blabbing about school. And the title of this post says absolutely nothing about school. So….onto the actual topic of this post!
I am freaking adoring my friends. My main gang is now Sun-Jung, Fatum, Ian, Shawn, and Ted. They’re who I talk to most these days. Sun-Jung I’ve spoken about before along with Fatum, and they are the most epic girls I’ve ever met. Sun-Jung is a Korean girl who freaking adores Japanese culture—such as mangas—and Fatum…dear god how do I describe her? She is brilliant, interested in psychology, sociology, philosophy, and she spends so much time looking up things like transhumanism and everything else and she is so deeply involved in political things that I just stare at her sometimes….Oh I love my gang. And Ian….oh dear god what do I say about him? Ian and I talk alike, we think alike, we’ve had reasonably similar life experiences, we’ve both been in the same emotional state where we feel nothing and operate entirely on logic (that’s where I am now; it’s a form of defense mechanism and I will open up again but not soon. Ian was in this state for eleven years), we like a lot of the same things, and he is a sixteen year old who I have never even seen a picture of that lives down in Ohio. Shawn is also someone I cannot describe—he has a lot of secrets and a lot of rough edges, but he is still an amazing guy who I care about a lot and is going to try and come up here in time for me to turn fifteen in….five days. He’s pretty much my older brother, and he is just plain amazing. I owe him a lot. And Ted…guy on my bus, eighteen years of age, very sweet and very kind, a good friend. He’s helping me through a couple of rough patches and helping me be a lot less shy. So yay I finally have a real life guy friend lol. ^~^
Well world what is there left for me to chat about?
I have one humongous issue but…for a few reasons and a few promises made…I cannot tell it. I can handle it alone, but there are a handful who know. Despite my best attempts to keep it secret.
I just have a question…What does someone have to do to you to make them deserve to die?
Would they have to beat you with a stick and insult you every day for six months? Molest you? Spread rumors about you? Kill one of your friends? Harm one of the things or people you care about? Threaten you? Have a hit put on them?
What would someone have to do to make them deserve death?
Before anyone asks, I am no murderer. I just am curious about this issue, its something that Shawn and I have been debating about for the past few days. Told ya he has a few rough edges lol.
I’ve been so tired lately kiddies, so busy. Not many very late nights, but hey it doesn’t exactly matter. Sometimes it’s not the length of the day that tires you the most, but the activities you do within that time period and the people you spend them with.
I know I said earlier that I was relatively closed off inside, and I am. I am truly closed off almost entirely. Did I ever tell you that I have actually made several pros and cons lists for my love life? I’m entirely serious about that. There is one for Adam, who I have barely spoken to in weeks and we have decided to break up until we meet. There is one for Alexander, for Shade, for every last freaking person I have ever dated that actually mattered.
This state I am in is an attention seeking one, and possibly one that means I am also seeking love a great deal. I am rather secure in myself, but I still enjoy feeling cared about. I am relatively fine, entirely functional in my day to day life, but I am greatly changed inside. I wish I knew how long I am to remain in this state, but there is no real guarantee that I will ever break free of it. And even when I do break free of it I will swing in the opposite direction, out of logic and into emotion and insanity for a while before I reach my former and original state of balance between the two. Things have been shaken up within my mind as outward actions harm me, but through all of it I have maintained life and most of the illusion of me has been kept up enough to not show many major indications of inner pain or agony.
I wonder who I am. Am I still who I was so long ago? Or have I changed?
Does it even matter anymore?
Well kiddies, I am once again finding myself scrambling for anything to blog about.
This blog, Normal Ain’t Normal, has been with me for a very long time, longer than many people. It began at around the end of Emily, did it not? Around the beginning of October….Ah, how long a time it has been. Around half a year. Well half a year upon this site—that’s actually quite the accomplishment. I keep wondering how long it will continue, and I’m hoping it will go on throughout my entire life.
I love you kiddies, will you do me the favor of growing old by my side?
And perhaps one day making the same journey into eternity of being remembered….
Can I ask you a favor? Even when I am dead and gone, could some of you find a way to make sure it’s still being read? That I live on somehow? I do not want to be forgotten loves, ‘tis my greatest fear. I love you all, with all my heart, love without end.
