~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Sunday, September 30, 2012

~~I Just Want to Be Normal~~

I'm so used to being different
So used to seeming strange
Could I ever change
And become better for you?

Every move I make
You criticize
Every outfit I wear
Is last season's

Everything I do
Just isn't right for you
So why do I even try?
When there's no winning with you!

I fight and I struggle
I swear that I'm okay
I dress in clothes I hate
And I "forget" to eat

I worry every moment
That I'm not good enough
And you'll turn on me again
Like you did back then

But I have to try
Even if it's all a lie
I just can't be alone
But there's no texts on my phone

You seem to forget I'm here
But there's no one else here
So why do you ignore me
When I'm doing all of this for you?

I'm fighting to be better
But you act like you don't care
Like every thing I do is wrong
It just isn't fair

I write and I try to focus
The homework is not sinking in
I finish it off
But you just laugh it off

I'm not smart enough for you
I'm not thin enough for you
I'm not pretty enough for you
But I'm doing all of this for you!

Won't you see that I'm real?
Won't you look at me for once?
But, no, you just don't focus
And you ignore me and I can't feel

You think I'm okay
You think I'm just hurting
But you don't realize
That today is my last day

This is my final try
Before I make it a lie
And leave you be forever
Never again to fit in

I don't want to be you
I don't want to be this way
But I wanted to try
And fit in with you

I'm tired of being alone
But nothing will ever change
I'm slowly turning to stone
And I will freeze in a statue that looks like me.

~~Gothic Lolita~~

Little body
Soft white skin
Plush-fluff hair
Blue eyes

So young
So soft
So perfect
So broken

Touched softly
Left scarred
Never returned

Cards replaced by red
Kisses stolen by rose petals
Thorns stab into the pads of thumbs
Letters written in red ink

Feather soft touches
Produces static as bright as lightning
Music as loud as thunder
Choked-off cries the melody

Elegant gowns of red and black
To disguise the bruises beneath
Smiles like dolls
Below bright blue eyes

Soft giggles
Shattered laughter
Like the tingling of glass
As it falls to marble floors

Little lollipops
Grow large, choking little mouths
Syrupy sweetness becomes salty
Innocence replaced by bitterness

Sweet tea
Pure white lace
Dolls clutched
To flat little chests

Giggles and grins and games of tag
Chasing not each other
But time away
Living for today

Little faces
Little lies
Little scars
Massive crimes

Blame placed
She was asking for it
Punishments not given
Reputations tarnished

A life forever ended
A new world never begun
A murder
Where no one dies.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

~~Death the Kid~~

Do you know what he said?
Do you know what he did?
Does it even matter?
He's Death the Kid

Of course you know
The symmetry is clear
He will always know
And he will always fear

The angles are wrong
Things are unclear
Right and left are wrong
And at him they leer

The world is wrong for him
Because it's not perfect
So he balances the right
And balances the left

His beautiful guns
Almost perfectly the same
Almost perfect twins
But almost isn't enough

Can he handle a world
Without symmetry?
Can he live in a world
That's beautiful to you and me?

Twenty points to whoever knows who Death the Kid is.

~~What Happened to Me?: Life Post~~

Kiddies, this is gonna get personal....

What happened to me?

I shouldn't be this way.

I should be innocent.

Shouldn't be a slave.

Shouldn't be this way.

I mean, I'm fifteen.

I don't know what's happened to me.

I'm older now.

So much older....

I will never regain my innocence, but god I wish I could. I want to go back to when I didn't have a serious thought in my head. Back to when my biggest problems were being bullied. Back to when I had free time. Back to when I believed in goodness. Back to when I was HAPPIER. Back to when my Figments were closer. Back to when I told my family everything. Back to when I was okay. Back to when I was a motherfucking kid.

I don't even remember the last time I truly felt my age.

I've....I've been hurt, and I don't know when I'll ever get past what I've been through.

I wish I could change the world, go back to who I used to be.

I wish I could be better.

But I honestly doubt I'll change.

I'm fifteen, and...And everything I've been through..

Is going to effect me for a very long time.

Do I have any regrets?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't.

However, I also know they're useless.

If what had happened to me hadn't happened....Who would I be right now?

It's impossible to tell.

Would I be better, or worse?

I wish I knew....

Whatev, I am who I am. That's all there is to it.

I'd be lying if I said I loved myself.

I'd be lying if I said I hated myself.

I'm...Fine, with me.

I'm not good.

I'm not bad.

I'm a bad apple.

I'm more than that, though.

I'm a Gothic Lolita as well.

I'm hurt.

I'm scarred.

But I'm not in this alone.

I have my Glowstone with me.

~~Not Long Now~~

The world drifts
As I fade
The world shivers
As I strengthen
The rain falls
As I burn

Things seem to change
Seem to rearrange
I breathe but no one
Seems to notice
The movements of my chest
There is never rest

I whimper
And I weep
I howl
And I cry
I beg to be allowed to die
And then they tell me

"Chin up, love
"You'll pull through
"I know you hurt
"But I hurt too
"You won't break
"Because I need you."

You need me?
Do I need you?
I say I do
But who can tell
If that is
Even true?

I want to cry
I want to scream
But you ignore my tears
You ignore the scars
You don't seem to notice
How much I'm hurt

You continue with your words
Your logic faultless
In your own eyes
Your heart pure
In all eyes but mine
Don't you believe me?

I tremble and I try
To face up to my past
You take my hand
Hold it tight
Encouraging me
With squeezing grip

I don't pull away
Even though it burns
And I remind myself
That one day
I'll be away
From everything

I don't want to be here
But I don't want to leave
I can't hurt you
Or give you cause to grieve
Everything I do
Is for you

But one day I know
I'll be away
And you will need
To let go
For I'll never return
From where I go that day

I'll go into madness
Into isolation
The world will pass me by
Without regard

I will be missed
But not long remembered
My fame is always imagined
And it was never anything more
It won't be long now
Until I am gone

So say your goodbyes
Tell me your prayers
Hold me close
And kiss me
I am your girl
I am your dream

I will always be

The sad story
That you tell
So your kids don't
End up just
Like me.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

~~New Places I'll Post: Notice Post~~

Hey lovers, I'm thinking about making a new blog. Wordpress.com isn't blocked in school, which means I won't need to email posts to it. And I also want to have it 18+ for various reasons....

Okay, today I wrote a relatively short essay on the Submissiveness and Me. I'm probably going to start writing essays on things like Need for Approval, the Strengths of Being Female, and maybe one or two bashing teachers. Or how about some from this site: http://www.apa.org/topics/

If I do end up creating a blog, the URL will be basically the same one as the one I currently have--normalisonlyrelative.wordpress.com. Just so you guys won't be too greatly confused about finding my blog.

I am bored in class, my little ones. Therefore I am emailing this post to you--and then posting more tonight, as per usual.

Ah, look up the BDSM Checklist. Just warning you: It is decidedly 18+.

Anywho, I'm going to continue my essay on the Need for Approval.

I love you all, kiddies!

~~The False Accusation is True~~

Shattered screams
Blackened dreams
Some part of me
Cannot be
I try to continue
But nothing is true
You howl in my ear
The abyss is near
I cannot wait
Your hunger will not sate
Why won't you be here?
Why won't you take my fear?
I struggle to disprove you
I try to be better for you
But you just don't listen to me
Because you no longer see me
Won't you understand
My failure was never planned
I've always tried to be good
But I've done things no one should
And now I need to know
Before I need to go
Don't you even see
That what's wrong with me
Is the same thing that's wrong with you
The false accusations are always true

Monday, September 24, 2012

~~A Time of Drifting: Life Post~~

What am I doing?

These days, it's pretty much impossible to know. I don't focus. I seem to be constantly drifting. I'm scared and tired and lonely. I'm no longer screaming and crying at night, but other that that I'm still majorly hurting. I'm surviving, not living. Even though I saw Ted last Wednesday, I'm still fighting numbness. I don't know when I'll get any better. But, hey, I will be okay. Things are just hard, really hard.

And Ted, as much as I love him, is not helping. You see, he has officially started hitting on another girl.

Allow me to explain.

We're in an open relationship, so he's pretty much allowed to do this, but...

I left Adam for him.

I abandoned my old life for him.

I hurt someone extremely important to me for him.

And, an open relationship or not, this is SO NOT THE FUCKING TIME FOR HIM TO HIT ON ANOTHER GIRL.

So not the time for him to talk to her when he's with me.

So not the time for him to sit on the bus with her and try to grope her while I'm texting him wondering where the fuck he is.

So not the time for him to want to set up her and I together.






I love him deeply, and if this makes him happy, then I will allow it.

BUT he has to smarten up.

This girl goes to his college, and is in some of his classes. They ride the bus home together.

Therefore, he sees her a lot more than he does me. So they talk a lot more.

Bad sign.

Very bad.

Well, it means he has someone to talk to besides me, but...

I wish he could get a guy friend, because he doesn't have that. I may be a gamer girl, I may be boyish, I may be crazy, but I am no guy. I also wouldn't get jealous of a guy. Besides, it would be SO good for him....

I love my boy. Would not trade him for the world. I just want this to be...Better. For both his sake and mine.

You know, I'm not entirely scared about him leaving me. I'm pretty damn awesome. ;3

And I will always be awesome.

And, the girl isn't half bad. Her name's J, and she seems really nice. She's agreed not to go anywhere too far with him, and to keep me updated on what he does when he's not with me. I like her, and she's assured me she will keep him fully aware of the situation.

History class is over, so I promise I'll post more later.

Hopefully about the teachers stopping extracurricular activities including the Gay Straight Alliance....

I'll talk to you at home, my loves.

Thanks for listening.

--Little One

Sunday, September 23, 2012

~My Household: Life Post~~

I have painstakingly found images that show my Figments. I will share them all with you now...

What I look like in the Mansion. Pretty much me.

My amazing mother Alakina.

My father Raphael.

My uncle Kakana.

My aunt Dana.

My brat of a brother Jace.

His wife Nikita, in cat form.

Nikita, in girl form.

Raven, in his charming human ((ish)) form.

The Wolf Raven is.

His slave Stephanie.

Those are my family, and if you mess with them, I mess right back. Have fun wiff that.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

~~Welcome to the Mansion: A Tour of My Mind, Part One~~

*The lights flick on, and you find yourself standing in a room crafted of soft carpet of red and black, walls of onyx and glimmering silver columns. A pair of sweeping and curving staircases lead to a higher level, and all around shut doors of different colors and work lead to unknown treasures. Confused as to how you found yourself here, you walk forward, trying not to show any fear. You feel eyes on you, and then..."

HELLO!!!!! *A small blond body glomps you out of nowhere, sending you stumbling back. A giggle sounds when you freeze in shock* Did I scare you, Sir/Madame?

*You shake your head, unable to answer. Her big blue eyes look up at you, and you feel heat rising slowly up to you cheeks in response to her cuteness. Her body is soft and curvy and ever-so-young, and from what you can see there isn't a speck of hair anywhere but on top of her head, and her eyebrows and eyelashes. All of this hair is soft and gold in colour, and it completely goes with the short black dress she wears. The dress covers her from the top of her breasts to barely below her thighs, and it clings to her, showing off every delectable little curve. You swallow, letting your eyes feast on what is so adorably crushed against your much larger body....*

*A tap on the shoulder alerts you to someone else's presence. You almost jump and smack your head on the curtain-draped ceiling, but outwardly you turn slowly to inspect the new presence. You automatically wish the tiny little girl had not tackled you, for the blood red eyes that peer at you are more than a bit of murderous intent. A clawed hand reaches for your own, taking it in his grip and shaking it roughly. A low, musical voice slips from his full lips, revealing pointed canines.* I am Raven, and you would be our guest. The little blond slave who just tackled you is MY Stepha, and I would love it if you tried to keep your hands and eyes to yourself.

*You're about to run away when you hear a softer, kinder voice slip into existence from behind you.* Now, now, Raven. Do not threaten them--they've been brought here unawares. We should show them around, should we not?

*Raven sighs, and nods. You turn to find a beautiful young man gazing down at you, his black hair shaggy and hanging to his shoulders, his white wings spread wide with regality and pride. He takes your hand, and guides you towards the stairs on the right. While you walk up the steep white marble steps, he says softly, his hand sliding slowly along the black banister* Welcome to the Mansion, friend. I am Raphael, the father of the owner of this lovely place. I'll be your tour guide and cook for the duration of your stay. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me now.

*You swallow, and say softly* What is this place?

*He reaches the top of the steps, entering a hallway lined with paintings. The paintings show forests, angels, bridges in Venice, and some darker images showing scenes you can't even begin to comprehend, nor describe. He pauses midway down the hall, seeming to think over his reply. You almost bump into him, stopping just short of his snow-white wings. He says softly* This is the Mansion. A place within the Demon Realm, which is something people tend to call Hell. It's the original home of the extremely powerful Shade, who is my very own brother. Right now, though, my little one Alexandra lives here. It's her home, the seat of her soul. I am a part of that soul of hers, as are the other occupants of this place.

*The answer leaves you with more questions than answers, but you resolve to ask him more later. He resumes walking, as the paintings give way to arches and doorways into different rooms. He halts without warning, and you end up with a face full of feathers. He snickers softly, and moves forward, careful to make sure none of his feathers are pulled off in the process.* Sorry, I should have warned you. You're following quite closely. So, shall I take you to the dining hall before I commence with the tour? You must be hungry.

*Your stomach rumbling answers it for you, and he laughs and opens the plain wooden door. You walk through after him, and stop in your tracks. The room looks like a normal dining room--simple green walls, a large round table, and a TV sitting on a cabinet beside a red brick fireplace in the corner. Raphael spots your face, and grins.* Not all of this place is grandeur. Some places are simple, like this room. My kitchen is down the steps over there *he points to the right hand corner, where a staircase lies.* I'll go fetch you something to eat, make yourself at home. *He disappears down the steps.*

*You walk around nervously, before sitting down in one of the padded wood chairs. You eye the simple room, wondering why you aren't afraid any more. You're just about to drift into daydreaming when a knock sounds on the door. Swallowing, you call out:* Come in!

*The door creaks open to reveal a young man, his hair scraggly and dark red. He's dressed in a tight black shirt, long black fingerless gloves clinging to lean forearms. He bows slowly, jet black wings spreading wide. He smiles softly* Yo, I'm Jace. Raph's kid. What's he making? I'm starvin', here.

*You stare at him as he walks into the room, grinning at you. He plops himself down in one of the chairs, his bare feet finding their way to the table, his chair tipping back. Unseen by him, Raphael returns from the kitchen, bearing a massive tray of covered dishes. His foot kicks out, bringing the chair down to the floor, carrying his son with it. Jace yells in anger, before freezing when he spies that it's his dad.* Hey, old man.

Hey, kiddo. Get up, it's rude to lie down and even ruder to put your feet on the table. *He lifts his son to his feet, helping him fix the chair, setting the tray down to do so. You stare at the tray, looking at how huge it is. You inhale, shivering at the amazing aroma that awaits. He lifts the cover, revealing a large meat pie, a salad of fresh garden greens, tuna sandwiches, and an apple pie. All of them are fresh. He smiles at the look on your face, and proceeds to set out plates for ten people. Startled, you look at him.*

Who're the other places for? *You ask, a bit frightened now.*

*Hearing the tone of your voice, he smiles soothingly* Myself and the other members of the household, plus you. Other than my son, Raven, and Stepha, there is also my wife Alakina, my twin brother Kakana, his wife Dana, my son's wife Nikita, and my little one. They will all be dining with us, as soon as I fetch them. Please, do not hesitate to serve yourselves, but please do wait to eat until I've returned. *With a bow, he departs from the dining hall, looking for his family.*

*Now left alone with Jace, you bite your lip, unsure of what to say. To his credit, he smiles welcomingly at you before serving himself heaping piles of the amazing food, before pushing it to you. Both of you seem content to wait in silence.*

*Pretty soon, the silence is broken, by Stepha scampering cheerily into the room. With a yell of* PIE!!!!!! *she plops herself in your lap, nuzzling. Mindful of Raven's warning, you pet her once before picking her up and sitting her in a chair beside you. Just in time, too, for right after her comes her Master. He eyes you slowly, noting Stepha and how she isn't cuddling you. With a nod in your direction, he sits beside her, holding out his hand. She latches onto it automatically, nuzzling against the proffered hand.*

*A lady like cough drags your attention back to the door, where a tall woman stands there, her snow-white skin a sharp contrast to her night black hair. She's dressed a long black dress that's cut just above her full breasts, and ending just above her knees, a long black trail falling behind her. She smiles softly, holding out her hand to you as she walks into the room, high heeled boots clicking on the tile floor. You kiss the soft skin, unable to keep your eyes off the grey mist of her eyes. She blinks at you slowly* I am Alakina, Raphael's wife. May I join you?

*You nod, mouth and throat too dry to speak. She sits herself down across from you just as a young girl scampers in, a book clutched to her chest. She waves to you, her bright red hair a flaming contrast to the green room. Her plain sweater and jeans is a stark contrast to the finery of the others.* I'm Dana. *She says shyly, starting to serve herself a lot of the salad.*

*You look around at the beautiful Alakina, the punk Jace, the adorable little Stepha, the mildly terrifying Raven, and now the bookish Dana. What an odd place this is, you think to yourself. Just as you're opening your mouth to say something, a young woman walks in. She's completely naked, her entire body coated with soft rainbow fur. She sits down beside Jace, nuzzling against his shoulder. She notices you staring, and says with a little smile in her voice* I'm Nikita, lovely to meet cha.

*Now, there are six people in the room, and you have met seven of the expected nine people in this household. You swallow, not sure how much weirder the occupants can get. That answer is given instantly, when a robot walks in. It waves, shaped like a human, the only adornment a tall black tophat. It tips its hat to you, before blowing up with a small pop and a rush of heat. The others laugh at your shocked expression, as a young man waltzes into the room. He's swearing under his breath, and when he spots you he says annoyedly* I just made that robot, and it explodes. five minutes after it turns on....At least it didn't kill anyone this time.

*Alakina sighs softly* This is Kakana, Raphael's brother. He's the technical specialist around here. If you want anything insane, awesome, or just plain creepy built he's your man.

*Kakana ignores her, sitting himself down and proceeding to serve himself food.*

*The room is silent until at last Raphael reenters the room, proceeded by a young woman. She seems around fifteen to eighteen, dressed in a simple purple shirt and long black skirt. She smiles to you.* Ah, there you are. Welcome to the Mansion, friend. I'm Alexandra, the owner of this place.

*She sits beside you, Raphael on her other side. They serve themselves, and she quickly starts up a conversation with you. She's quite funny, and she seems just a bit crazy too. You decide you like her, and settle in for a lovely, long meal.*

*When you're done eating, everyone but Raphael and Alexandra depart. The pair of them smile softly at you.* Shall we continue the tour?

*Nodding bravely, you stand up and follow her into the grandeur and insanity that is the Mansion.*

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

~~Addio, My Soul~~

For Adam.
So it's time to say goodbye
Goodbye, my soul
I'll miss you til the day I die
I will never again be whole

I leave you behind in my ashes
To rot upon the soil
My life goes by in flashes
I recall my terrible toil

My work to get so far
To be by your side
Where I could shine like a star
And never need to hide

But then I remember the fall
Someone's arms open for me
I run to them at their call
And they take my agony

But you are still shining bright
Your light doesn't fade
He puts on me the glasses of night
So your light is put in shade

I don't see you as good
He's blinded me to that
I try and do what I should
But my heart is going flat

I can't love you any more
And you scream your heart to me
He drags me from your door
Leaving you in your agony

I need you still
But I can't go back
I live with him in a house on a hill
While you dwell in your earth-floored shack

My amazing light, don't ever fade
Draw to you someone better
Someone who won't be blinded by shade
If you offer her shelter

I love you so much
Don't forget that, my soul
I won't live without your touch
I will never again be whole....

Monday, September 17, 2012

~~I Can't Breathe.....--Life Post~~

Kiddies, I think I'll take a break from facing up to the world for a while. Fade away.

I'll be back soon, though.

Here's a bit of what happened...

I left Adam.

Chose Ted.

Ted's scared I don't love him.

I don't blame him.

I...I have homework to do....And I think I might need to cry soon.

I love you kiddies...

I'll post when I post.

~~Dear Ted: Confessions Post~~

Hey, love.

I guess you're wondering why I wanted you to read this, eh?


Now you'll find out.

You've got more than a right to know that..that I ran back to Adam....

I couldn't leave him.....

Ted, you....

You do realize that I'm not..I'm not at all deserving of you, right?

I can't give you everything I am, because I'm just not.....Able to.

I'm too selfish to let go of Adam, even though I should, so you and I can get a better chance.

I do love you, Glowstone.

It's just....

I can't...do this any more.

Ted....When we're together, I feel perfect.

When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart....

And Adam puts me back together....

I know it's wrong....

And I know it hurts you...

Hurts me...


Please. forgive me?

Don't leave me alone....

Unless.....Unless you want to.

I'll....I'll let you go.

I refuse to hurt you longer than I have.

I'm sorry, Ted....

I will always love you.

~~Someone Else's Girl~~

You asked me to be yours
I said I was
You told me you loved me
I said I love you too
But who could've known the truth?
Who could've guessed I was always a lie?
That while you were lay awake
Thinking about me
I lay with another?
I was never your girl
And maybe you knew
But you still kept me with you
Why didn't you send me away?
Why didn't you let me go?
I said I loved you
And yes it was true
But the other sentiments
Were ones I couldn't share
All of your support was mine
All of your love was mine
All of your heart was mine
But not all of me was yours
I could say I'm sorry
For not loving you
But that wouldn't be true
Because I really did love you....
Even though I was
This whole time
Someone else's girl....

~~I'm Okay~~

The sun shines red
I get out of bed
To face another day
I will be okay

It hurts to breathe
But I'm ready to leave
And go to school
I am such a fool

The sunlight stings
The schoolbell rings
I head to class
To sit on my sore ass

My cellphone lights up
Ted has woken up
I text him back
I won't be slack

The music plays
Breaking through the haze
I try to sing along
To the amazing song

I shiver in the summer chill
The holes in me I can't fill
But I will be okay
It's not my dying day....

~~Morning Thoughts--Life And Thoughts Post~~

This morning I dressed in dark colours--dark like my mood. A beautiful black leather bracelet. A silver ring set with a black diamond stone. Long, tight, dark grey slacks. A silver and black necklace. A black shirt with a shiny black belt around the waist.


Sort of sexy.




My hair barely combed, leaving it soft, fluffy, and kind of wavy. Bedhead. It still looks cute. Hell, it always looks cute. Mew, and all that.

Now that you have the image of me in your head, I'll tell you about what has been on my mind this morning and about how last night ended.

Adam sent me to bed, angry and disappointed. And he had more than a right to. Yesterday, he spilled his heart to me. He told me how perfect I was. How I made him feel. How much better I was than other girls. How happy I made him. And...He asked me something. I will copy it from memory.

Adam: Will you be my girl....Forever?

Me: That..sounds a lot like a proposal....

Adam: Just say yes....

Me: ....Yes.

I told him yes.

Maybe I just said yes because I wanted him to be happy so he'd stay with me, but...

You know, I did want to be with him. I did love him, as much as someone like me could.

And I really didn't deserve him. I never did. My imperfections, while not always obvious, can sometimes outweigh my perfections.

And my selfishness is a huge, gigantic, overly apparent flaw. You know me, though. I try to be good, but I want something for myself after giving myself up for most of my life before now. I just want happy, to be alive.

And that's the main reason I'm with people nowadays. The main reason I say I love people or give up my body.

So I can feel alive.

Because, if I'm alone, I go numb again.

And I hate being numb.

Last night, Adam sent me to bed, without telling me whether he'd be here today or not. I'll check. Find out tonight.

Writing this, I have an ache in my chest. I miss him. I hurt him. I really did hurt him. And....And I don't know what I can do to make it better

I can't erase my mistakes.

I can't erase my past.

I can't make him forgive me.

I can't go back and choose.

I can't retrace my steps.

I can't make him stay.

I can't make things better.

I can't make myself less numb.

I can't make myself what he deserves.

I can't be anything different from me.

I just can't.

I'm sorry.

So fucking sorry.

Mi dispaice, Master....

Mi dispaice...

I've also been thinking about other things, besides the thoughts of Adam and I.

I can't remember the what the quote was, but I got it from Criminal Minds. The gist of it was: The strong suffer in silence.


I suffer, but definitely not in silence.

So does that make me weak?

Perhaps it does...

I share my burdens, causing others to carry them with me. So does that mean I would be stronger if I didn't trust and tell people about my pain? Would I be stronger if I didn't show the person BEHIND the diamond curtain?

I do not know.

I do not think so.

I admit my weaknesses.

My mistakes.

I accept the punishments for my wrongdoings.

So does admitting my pains make me weak?

Does it make me weak, or strong?

I suppose it's all a matter of opinion...

It could definitely be weaknesses, as I am causing you, my beloved readers, pain by sharing my burdens.

So, that means I'm a lot less strong than I thought. Trying as hard as I can to be okay. To not make mistakes. So please understand I'm weak. Accept me. Don't judge me.

And please don't leave me alone.

I'd die on my own....

Sunday, September 16, 2012

~~Because I'm Selfish: Confessions Post~~

Because I'm selfish
I want love
More than I deserve

Because I'm selfish
I want to be held
By people I can't have

Because I'm selfish
I want the best
But I can't have the best

Because I'm selfish
I hurt the ones I love
Because I want what they can't give....


A while ago, I ran back to my old Master.

I know I said I wouldn't.

I know I promised....

But my will broke down....

I'm sorry....

Adam, I'm sorry. I hurt you and you never deserved that. You spilled your heart out to me, and I couldn't give you that back....I wanted what you couldn't give me, and because of that I broke you....I can't fight the fact that you are the guy who made me a sammich when we first met, who petted me and who's hand I almost bit, who ran his hand slowly down my body, making sure everything was allowed before touching me....I can't fight the fact that you're the one who first saw my body, who told me my lips turned him on, or the one who made me feel better than I'd ever felt...

I can't fight the fact that you, even though I've never met you in real life, have changed my life.

I can't fight it.

I can't forget.

I can't let you go.

You make me feel alive.

You make me feel perfect.

No one in so long has made me feel that way....

I'm so sorry, Adam....So sorry I couldn't be the girl you deserve.

Forgive me if you will...

Or not.....

I hope you get over me one day.

I hope you get better.

I hope you find someone who can truly give you all of herself, instead of just pretending to like I did.

And, I'm saying almost the same thing to Ted....I hope he understands because I really need someone right now and he's the only one I've got....


I don't deserve him, either, do I?

Because I can't give him all of me.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give him everything.

I don't know if I will ever be able to give anyone everything.

I really don't deserve love....

Maybe I did, once.

Before all of this shit happened.

Back before I started getting all cold and numb.

But now....

I don't deserve much....

I'm sorry, for every mistake I've made.

For everything I've done.

For hurting you, Adam.

For hurting you, Ted.

If either of you wish to, you may leave.

I won't judge you.

In fact, I'd leave if I was either of you.

My imperfections outweigh my imperfections.


Before you judge me so harshly...

Listen to this, would you?

Right now....Adam's probably leaving me....

And Ted....Ted doesn't know....

I'll....I'll deal with that later....

I'm so sorry....Everyone I'm so sorry......

~~I'm....Sorry, Kiddies--Life Post~~

Hey, loves. Just me, the blogger you all know and love.

Just the girl who's thinking of leaving y'all one day.

Just the girl who's struggling to think about something to write....

I love you....

And god damnit, I'm not okay.

You know that.

You know my wrongs.

My rights.

My hates.

My loves.

You know ME.

But have you ever met me?

No you haven't.

You haven't ran with me as I struggle to regain my curvy waist.

You haven't wept with me after I'm broken again.

You haven't laughed with me at this amazing video.

You haven't held me while I cry.

You haven't tried to scare me when I'm watching horror movies.

You don't know me, no matter what I write here.

I could be very different.

Hell, I'm probably not the girl you think I am....

But, if you love me, then love me.

~~Here's to Friendships: Thanks Post~~

Thanks for being there for me...

Through heaven and hell....

Here's to broken hearts, to sad eyes and happy smiles.

I know our road hasn't been easy.

I know we've fought and made promises we never kept.

But...I love you.

Always have, always will....

Saviour....Prima Principessa....All my sisters, all my brothers....

Thank you.

I love you all....


Have a song...

Here's To Us by Halestorm

~~I'm Not Who I Used To Be: Life Post~~

I'm not who I used to be but I'm still me...

I'm still me.

I still scream to be known, to be understood, hating myself and loving the world unendingly.

I've lived through heaven and hell.

I've hurt and saved.

Ended and begun.

I'm not perfect, but I'm damn well close, if you ask everyone who loves me--and they are many.

But the love of many can't replace the love of self....

But right now, I don't think it needs to.

Who I am is damn well amazing.

Strong still, even though I'm damaged a lot.

I'm not who I used to be....

I can't love as much as I used to.

I can't feel as much as I used to.

I've caused a lot of pain.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

But I'll be damned if I'm not smarter now.

I'll be damned if I'm not braver now.

I'll be damned if I'm not sexier now.

I'll be damned if I don't have a lot more friends now.

I'm not who I used to be, not by a long shot.

But is that a bad thing?




I wouldn't go back to the younger, innocent me if I had the chance.

I love who I am, for all my shit and all my amazingness.

Now let's just wait and figure out who I'll become....

~~Don't Ever Leave~~

Don't expect me to change
Don't expect me to heal
Don't expect me to rearrange
Don't expect me to be real

I'm just a kid
Fifteen years old
And everything that is hid
Is what makes me so damn cold

I won't ever be
Anything different from me
So get used to my agony
Cuz that's all you'll get from me

Do you realize who I am?
Do you even try to know?
Do you realize that a sham
Is all I ever show?

But hey you don't seem to care
You just keep coming back

To someone who isn't there
Of being addictive, I've got the knack

But then you say you'll leave
And I cling to you
Asking you not to make me grieve
Because, in the end, I'm addicted to you.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

~~Winter Day: A Story of Death Told In Free Verse~~

It's cold, but
There's the sun
Shining high
A yellow
In a white
I'm cold
I can't feel my
Not any more
Every finger
Is turning
Blue like the sky
I stare
Over my shoulder
To the tiny mound
Of snow--my
Failed attempt
At a shelter
The shelter
That now housed
My little girl
Already gone
From this world
I sighed
And stared high
At the daylight
Sky, thinking slowly
"Why did I decide
To chase her
Into this world
Of ice?"
I remembered all too well
The furious fight
The screams
The final straw
Her small body
Running from the transport
Into the distant
As she screamed,
"I hate you!"
Then the formless
Icy landscape
The nothingness
That would become
My tomb
I sighed
And joined her
My only love
In her tomb
Of snow
And ice.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

~~444: Life Post~~

So here we are now, my loves....

My amazing, obedient readers....

You've been with me through thick and thin.

And God....

It's been one hell of a long road.

I've got no regrets if you don't....

And honestly kiddies....

I don't know how much longer you will continue to wander this road with me.

But, whether or not we continue it together, you know you'll always be on my mind.

And that we'll find a way to make it through together....Just maybe not on here....

Of course, this isn't the actual post....I figured I owed someone very special a bit more of a tribute on here. <3

Ted, I love you...

So much.

Every moment I'm with you, I'm happy.

Every moment I'm without you, I need to numb myself or it'll hurt too much.

Don't you ever dare think that you're not enough for me.

Because you're more than enough.....


My amazing, psychotic, adorable gamer boyfriend.....<3

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

~~So If You Hit On Me....--Life Post~~

Lol, someone just hit on me on chatango.

And dear god...

I actually gave him a piece of my mind, and ended up blocking him when he sent me a picture of his cock. First reaction to that: Ooooof course. Second: Ew. Third: Not half bad size. Fourth: I'm just gonna block him.

I blocked him like three seconds after he sent me that picture.

I think fast. O.O

Anywho loves...

I've changed a lot.

I'm no longer who I used to be....

I'm not innocent certainly--it's been replaced with bitterness.

Bitterness that won't fade.

But I don't think I want it to.

I don't think I want to go back to that girl I was before--I was so much weaker then, so unknowing of my own strength....

Everything was different then, and if I let go of the bitterness....

I don't think I could survive now.

Survive in this harsh world I've carved out for myself....

So, my loves...

If you ever hit on me....

Don't forget this: I won't be afraid to get pissed off.

I won't say yes.

I'll tell you to get out.

I'll block you.

Walk away.

I'm NEVER going to be who I used to be....

~~I'm Trying~~

I try, but it seems
Like the truth evades my words
Like I can't maintain the rhythm
Without leaving the rhyme

I try to escape from the fallacies
Of society but they
Just cling to me so hard
Until they capture me

I try to write but my words
Won't flow until they're wrong
The real words don't fall to the page
And I need to scramble for fake ones

I try but the pain
Doesn't seem to go away
I try and get up and walk
But I always stumble

I try so hard
But a lot of times I fail
But it always does seem
That I'll make it one day....

~~Everything Fades~~

Nothing is the same
Once something leaves
It doesn't return
Nothing is as fleeting as fame

Old friends meet once more
After times spent far away
But things are different now
And they stare at the floor

We long for moments to stay
For better times to always remain
But nothing seems to stick
Everything changes every day

No matter how we try
To regain the connection
Things just won't return
And it's best to let it die

I know the memories hurt
But just turn away
Let go of all the pain
And try to find something to blurt

A scrambled, polite goodbye
A quick exit
A wilful abandonment of memories
And the hope of letting it die....

NOTE: I just received a message from Adonis, who hurt me so much...We used to be so close but now we can't find anything to say....

I'm just gonna log off now, without bothering to reply....

I just need to let it die....

~~Judge Me if You Must~~

I know I suffer
But never in silence
I know I hurt
But never not by choice

Do you honestly think
I won't make it through?
Do you honestly believe
I won't make it far?

I know I have scars
And I know my past is bad
I know I've made mistakes
But I know we all do

Don't judge me on my past
Judge me on where I am
Don't judge me on the foolish choices
Judge me on the future

Don't say I'm worthless
Simply because I made mistakes
Don't say I'm a slut
Because I used to be a cam whore

Don't judge me without knowing me
Don't consider me to be easy to understand
Don't forget I'm human
Don't forget I'm young

I'm amazing
But hurt
I'm strong
But weak

I'm wise
But foolish
I'm mature
But young

I tell the truth
But I lie

I regret
But I also forget

I write
But I also talk
I'm smart
But I'm also a fool

I'm beautiful
But I'm ugly
I'm a cheater
But I'm loyal

My past is my past
And my future is my future
Judge me on both
If you must judge at all

But never forget where I am now
The winding path behind me
And ahead of me
Never forget to know me.

~~I Can't Seem to Write: Life Post and Scattered Thoughts~~


I am so not sure what I'm doing.

I can't seem to focus on anything right now.....

But I really and truly do want to write a ramble, a rant. Some of my good stuff. Better than these rather meaningless life posts that I'm actually almost ashamed to crank out so often.

But what is there to write?

I'm no philosophy student here, my dearest loves.

I ain't taking that class, nor can I make it into the social justice and environmental justice clubs at school. My schedule didn't work out that way.

So what forms of inspirations do I have, other than what I manage to read?

I recently finished reading Dean Koontz' novel "The Voice of the Night," and I have a lot of things to say about it.

Without revealing ANY plot, I'll give you the basis of my thoughts on this.

Basically, this amazingly suspenseful novel leads to this: The good and the bad is in all of us, and all of us make mistakes. We can learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes if society allows it, but if society forces the blame onto us we will accept it and we will BECOME what they say. All of us are changed by society....All of us are caused to become what society thinks, no matter what.

The world is harsh and cold, to all of us.

Society will break us.

Family will break us.

Everything will break us.

We will be forced into the pigeon holes of the world, crammed into moulds that just don't fit, and the only way for us to fit them is for the parts inside of us to be broken.

And, once we're broken, we never get all of our pieces back.

We remain broken within, knowing nothing but the brokenness and the pain masquerading as whole and happy. Everyone is victims of this.

Everyone is a victim.

Society destroys everyone, in one way or another.

Damn, mankind....I hate mankind....


When you boil down everything, let go of every major belief, thought, and selfish cause, the meaning behind everything and the driving force of this world is the continuation of whatever species we belong to.

It's birth.

We as a species were evolved from animals, and we are no better than animals.

Do you honestly think that other species don't communicate?

That, even though even though we do not understand their language, they do not have one?

Everything communicates with itself, with the surrounding world, and with others of its kind.

Whether or not that communication is understood fully is irrelevant. It is still communication. Still a message sent.

So who's to say animals are really anything different from us?

Just on a different level.

More basic, but in other ways, a lot smarter.

I think a lot about animals....

I like animals.

Ted is very, very good with animals.....He also loves them a lot. Honestly, whenever I see him with his dog Cosmo, I think: "A boy and his dog. This guy is definitely someone I can raise kids with."

And now I'm talking about Ted.

Oh yay an Iced Capp!

You know, I love coffee....

I need coffee.

I know it occasionally gives me caffeine crashes so I try not to drink it too much, but...It still is delicious and soothing.

I'm trying to find some new music....

Something to put my mind to ease, and I think this song helps me out quite a bit....

It fits my mind, and my creations.

I fight to write because it seems like everything slips from me, loses meaning. I write quickly because otherwise the thought's gone, and it's not ever coming back....

I need to write, otherwise I....I won't know who I am.

Ian told me I gave him his favourite quote, from ~~To Love is to Hurt: Life Post~~ on Sept. 9th. I'll copy it here: "I'm gonna live. Live as much as I can. Love as much as I can. No regrets. A million scars. I'll be fine, cuz that's all I'll ever be."

Now that I read it again....It is true.....And it is good.

It says: I've suffered, I've hurt, and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've paid for those mistakes, and the pain won't ever fade. I've learned, though, and I'm not going to stop living just because of the pain. I'm still going to try and live my life, love everyone I can, and I'll be okay because I'm too damned strong to break.

I'm too damned strong to break....

I don't know what I regret.

I regret...I regret a few things, but it's useless so I forget them....

And besides, if I hadn't done those things I regret now, I wouldn't be me.

And....I love who I am....

God, it's hard to say that right now....

I don't know why, but....I still wish....Some parts of my past were different.

It hurts....Being me.

Remembering the things that happened.

Regretting the things that I've done.

And it hurts even more to love the wrong things that, even though they were good, hurt me in the end.

So much of this world causes me pain...

I wonder if I'll one day regret this blog, making my life so very public.

There are a massive amount of things here I should be ashamed of.

A lot of deeds done and pains suffered that I should be ashamed to admit.

My past is dark, and my future is likely just as filled with pain and painful truths and confessions.

And there are secrets here that I don't entirely want the people I know in real life to find out without me telling them first....


I also don't want to leave this place now that I'm here.

My cam whore life.....

It was a short time, you know.

Only a few months....

And.....And it's done with.

I bear scars, and issues with my self esteem, as well as shame.....

I don't like admitting entirely the things I've gone through and done.

But it's over with now, and every scar I bear is a part of me, who I am....

I wouldn't be me without my past.

I wouldn't be me without my scars.

I'd be....Normal.

Monday, September 10, 2012

~~Dear Beloved Amazing Readers--Message Post~~


How is chu, oh people of the world? People who stumble here and stay, or who simply click on this through utterly random google searches and random links scattered across the interwebz--you are my readers. You are my friends. You are my lovers. You are my family.

Thank you.

Thank you for taking your time to read about moi, a girl that most of you have never spoken to, have only seen a few pictures of, and have never met.

Thank you for putting up with my rather odd writing.

My nearly-constant whining.

My worries.

My fears.

My truths.

My lies.

Thank you, for sticking around for so long...

And, as the days tick past towards the first year anniversary, I need to plan a treat for you....

Something I don't commonly ever consider doing.

How about.....

A video.....

Of me singing?

Or maybe just a video saying thanks to you, to all of you? I don't know if I'll actually speak in it, but....I might.

Dearest lovers, stick with me through hell and high water.

We'll be okay one day, all of us will.

Just remember that we are all strong, that we won't break, and that there is light somewhere in this world. I don't know what brought you here, nor why you keep coming back.

But...I'm glad you do.

I'm glad you love me.

Dearest readers....

I love you.


Yours Truly,



Someone says, "Be happy."
Someone says, "It's okay."
Someone says, "It's not that bad."
Someone says, "It'll get better one day."

I'm not okay
But you don't seem to care
All that you seem to say
Is that you'll be there

But you're still my light
You're still my hope
I can't be alone tonight
So you stay here again

Do you remember when we met?
I don't think you do
But I just can't forget
The first time you smiled

You're hurting now, and sad
But you're still trying hard
I try and be glad
That you're still by my side

My light, don't let go
Of the fact that I love you
And find you help me
Help me believe I'm true

I can't believe I deserve you
My lovely little light
My dream, please don't go
Don't leave me tonight

Blue eyes and bristly beard
Goofy grin and tight hugs
You are just so weird
And I will always love you, my light.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

~~To Love is to Hurt: Life Post~~

I've been broken by love a lot, my beloved readers.

Lately I've claimed to be incapable of it, but that's not true.

I love and I love.

It almost kills me, so I numb myself from feeling most of it.

If I was to feel all of it, I doubt I could ever truly function.

I'm not okay, I'm not okay....I haven't been okay for a very long time.

But I'll keep going.

I've got my past behind me to run from.

My future to chase.

I can't stop moving, or I'll drown....

I'll drown because if I stop to let myself feel I'll realize there's nothing true behind the mask.

Not any more.

I died when Dylan left me for Marianne.

I died when Adonis abandoned me.

I died when Alexander told me he was gay.

I've been dead for a while now, but I'm not gonna fucking go sleep.

I'm gonna live.

Live as much as I can. Love as much as I can.

No regrets.

A million scars.

I'll be fine, cuz that's all I'll ever be.

I'm okay, so don't worry.

Don't you fucking worry.

But for now, I'm going to take all my pain and just let it die, because in the end....

I'm not okay (I promise.)

I love you world.

Always and forever.




Friday, September 7, 2012

~~Words on My Tombstone: Life Post~~

Strength in your weeping
Tears that come seeping
Down the old canyons
Back to the sea

Those words, those powerful words....

They effect me so strongly. I don't know why but those words....I feel like they're actually going to be on my tombstone.

If I read them too much, or think about them too much, they cause a panic attack. Even writing this causes my muscles to tense, as the words are barely above the words I type.

I'll be okay....

But dear lord those WORDS!

How can they cause this?

How are they so powerful?

Will I ever escape?

~~Forgive Me For Saying Farewell~~

Don't tell me you need me
Don't tell me goodbye
Every moment that I try
You seem to walk away from me
Do you still remember
The nights we couldn't forget?
All the things we now regret?
It was only last December
I'm sorry if I led you on
I should've realized the reality
The truth that you can't be with me
Because I am wrong
I can't be what you need
I can't even fake a smile
There's nothing left, so it's goodbye for a while
Try and keep your heart from starting to bleed
I'm sorry for needing to leave
To cause this pain to you
I'm trying not to make you grieve
But there's nothing more I can do
Please forgive me
And do well in life
Get over your agony
I'll see you in a while

Thursday, September 6, 2012


Love who you are
Love who you want
Love for everyone
Love for the world

It doesn't matter who you love
As all of us are human
So why are we hated
For loving who we do?

~~Beautiful is Bad~~

I enchant you
You trail after me pleadingly
Hoping for one scrap off affection
But I don't even have one left for me

After everyone I've loved
Can't you see I need to be alone?
But, no, you simply whisper,
"You're the most perfect girl I've ever known."

I sigh, and realize
I can't get rid of you
So what can I do
But say I love you, too?

Even though I don't
Even though I can't
I don't want to hurt you
As after me you pant

I would turn you away
If I had anyone else with me
But you're the only one I know
Without you, I'd be lonely

And I can't be alone again
Not after everything
So forgive me if I hurt you
By saying I was capable of loving.....

~~I Shattered In the Corner of Your Eyes~~

It seems like I can't breathe
You're taking all my air
And no matter what I do
You are never there

I cry out and scream
But you drown me out
With a whisper
My throat's soon to hoarse to shout

Won't you listen to me?
Wait one moment and give me time?
But no you always have somewhere better to be
The time to know me you just can't seem to find

I try to hold on to you
But you just slip away
Brush me off
Ignore me until I try again another day

Do you even love me?
You don't ever say
I try to ask you
But you can't seem to find a way

I'm trying so hard
To wait until you turn that smile to me
But I can't last much longer
To your life there seems to be no key

I'm falling down now
Drowning in the weight of not existing
I'm almost gone now
And you go on not noticing

Maybe when I'm gone
You'll see where you went wrong
And you'll feel bad for me
But probably not for long....