~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Friday, August 31, 2012

~~Not Like This Any More~~

How much more can we take?

How much further can we run?

We've got just enough left

For one last mistake

Broken wings and angel tears

Nothing left for us, but

We must run on ahead

Forget everything we fear

Just move on, and forget

Ignore the darkness, the shadows

Pretend it's all going away

There's no use to regret

Dark hair and brighter souls

Who is left here still?

Everyone has fled

All the ones who are whole

But the ones who remain

To back the ones who flee

Are the ones hollow and cold

With nothing left but pain

So stand here and let the end come

Make sure the others run free

Breathe your final breath

And step right back home

To the centre

To the beginning

To where life was

Before hell did enter

Spot the smoke

Breathe in the mirrors

Let the tears fall

As, on dust, you choke.

~~Broken Saints: Speech and Thoughts~~

So my loves, I have just come back from my best friend Sun-Jung's house. And...Today I have something planned for you. A treat from a Broken Saint's fan--and mild spoiler...The best speech from the end of Broken Saints, painstakingly retyped here.

But that's not all...

I'll also post my thoughts on it.

And....And I'm also planning to write the Belief System of the Figments.

They're not a religion. But they are what I believe in, even though....I can't truly explain all of it, explain the world...I will show you what I can see from the eyes of my Figments. What Raphael has told me. What he has done for me...Even though mortal minds can't comprehend all of it...I will tell what I can, described as I can describe it.

But for now...Broken Saints it is.

"Not my call to make. I'm tossing in its wake. Got just enough left for one last mistake." --General Briggs.

"I told you mom...God is mad." --Toshii

"With ears to hear and eyes to see, there is no rest. This is the burden of the witness. Weep and believe it. Kneel and accept it. Stand and proclaim it." --Face on the screen

The following speech is from the following conversation in the hallway of static and screens, from the man that waits there.

In the beginning, there was a perfect darkness. A clear void of infinite mind, housing all that is, was and will be.But one thought slipped from the faceless empty: I want to exist.


The thought was made word. The word was made light. The light had purpose. The light punched and clawed at the dark. Endless platoons of subatomic soldiers waged the first wars of the third dimension. Order was the prize. Nothingness, a willing casualty. Heat, light, gravity. The mechanics of this endless exchange gave birth to the first true symbol.

--A clock appears on the wall of screens, black and white, the hands spinning in circles.--

Time. All true symbols are children of the first. All true symbols are the great will manifest. All true symbols are maps of the soul.


The limitless of the great will is reflected in each speck of its being. Man is sentient, man is a crystallized symbol born of the first. We contain the whole spectrum of original truth.

--Brief Conversation, not going to transcribe it here. Raimi says, "Great, you're god, I'm god....Can't wait to turn water into wine." What a good line, that. Speech continues.--


If man is a prism for the universe, we must also accept that its current state is also flawed. The boundaries of a temporal realm as corrupted its children. In their fear, they have forgotten the dream of the Parent. In their fear, they seek dominion over earth and each other. And in their fear...

--Screens change to show symbols of religions--crosses, stars, and the like.--

...They have created false symbols.

--Screens change to show country's flags.Sign changes to read: I'LL SCOPE ARES.--

The illusion of separation through creed and nationality--their flesh. The trench of ideology and science--their bones. Their wasteland of economic and social disparity--their brains. And evil deeds...?

--Screens shows nuclear explosion, the pyramid and eye symbol of the dollar bill. Repeats this sequence as following lines are said.--

Evil deeds are their blood. These are their ultimate symbol. The fiery totems of Alpha and Omega, the ultimate sigil of enslavement.

--Screens shows a man standing in front of a tank that slowly rolls towards him.--

And though good men have stood to face this plague of tyranny....Though brave souls have raised their fists to tear at corners of the great lie...They have each of them, in their own way, fallen. The engines of fear have consumed us.

--Images of men who have stood up and tried to fight back appear on the screen--Gandhi, and Martin Luther King are the only ones I recognized. Sign reads: CLOSE AS PERIL. The screens on left show an oil derrick/pump jack ((what they use to get out oil)) and a grinning, seemingly laughing skull.--

We are bibbed and wailing at the trough of commodity. Blind and deaf to the chorus of suffering. In this, a man cannot hope to shake the symbols alone. So alliances must be made.

--Plot spoilers abound. Skipping forward.--

The key is communication. Our very words and deeds and landscapes transmit our truths. It lives in our myths, our beliefs, and our forms of artistic expression. 


But they have been taken from us, chopped into screaming black staccatos. The world is sick because its symbols are sick--and the purest of us are its victims.

This is as much as I am showing you right now. I don't want to expose the plot line any more....And I'm pretty sure I'm violating quite a few copyrights....Okay thousands of copyrights...Well....


Please don't take this as bad, okay guys? Please? I love you--please????

And the best of it is....




What would you do, if you could change the world?

Would you uproot the system? Annihilate everything and begin again?

Would you take a chance and show love to the world, even though it might not change a thing?

What would you do to change it?

Would you do nothing?

Or would you try, even though it could end up destroying you?

The system is wrong. People are wrong. We have overlooked the meaning. The meaning is peacefulness. Knowledge. Love. Happiness. Strength. It's not pain. It's not sorrow. It's not war. And it's not destruction. We can get better if we work together. This world....We can save it if all of us work together.

But only if we want to....

I would try.

I would try to change the system....At the cost of my life.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

~~Forget the Diamond--A Remembrance Post~~

Forget the diamond coating my scars. Forget the glimmering signs of strength. Fucking forget it. Forget all the pretenses. Just screw it, screw everything tonight. I'm fucking pissed and I just don't care any more.

I've done this to myself.

I have DONE THIS to myself.

I have gone through heaven and hell--BECAUSE OF THINGS I DECIDED TO DO.

I have suffered COUNTLESS agonies and hells because of my mistakes.

Because of things I did.

And I can't do this any more.

I can't suffer. I need to change my life, for the better.

And, one day...I need to find a way OUT of the wall. Find an iron pickaxe...Find an ESCAPE.

Find an escape to...love. And life. And light.

To all the things I have fled from.

I need to escape. I need to be free. I need to be alive. I need to get better.

Forget the fucking diamond.

Forget my scars.

I need to live, and this year...

I'm going to damn well try!

I'm going to damn well try to be better. Try to make better friends. Try to be better.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

~~The Body He Loves: Life Post~~

Hello, my dear lovers. How are you this blessedly simple night?

I am quite well, thank you. I'm just...Thinking, remembering. Years ago, I never shaved my legs, never cared about how I smelled or about how I looked. I dressed with what worked and everything about me was wrong.

It took me a long time to get out of that...But...Due to the bullying I endured and mainly due to Ted, I...I grew out of that. I'm beautiful. I'm curvy. I have a potbelly that I am NOT proud of but that Ted believes to be quite cute. My breasts have sadly shrunk from exercise, but I am still around C. I hope. I really hope....I just finished a google search on how to get them to grow a bit more....Looks like I'm gonna start on pectoral exercises now. *Le sigh.* Well....I'll just get them perkier and I'll be good. Adding this to my usual workout won't be that annoying--I hope....


Angel, calm down, no need for caps.


Actually, the fact that I care about my boobs is a big change for me. I'm caring so much more about myself, about my appearance...

Well my loves, I must go for a while.

Watching Casablanca, a movie I last saw in Drama Class....It's good to see it, but I might end up switching to  Sweeney Todd. I love you, sweet dreams....

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

~~Run From Me: Poem and Post~~

Don't love me

Please don't

I can't take anything like that

I can't take it now

Not after everything

So if you value yourself

Leave me behind


I'm not the beautiful, smart, wise girl you tell me. I'm not the girl who always does her homework. I'm not the girl who always dresses to please. I'm not the girl who smiles and laughs all the time. I'm not the girl who spends a lot of her time trying to overcome the life of shyness she'd lived before and make friends. I'm not the girl who everyone loves. I'm not the girl who loves herself.

I'm the girl who thinks she's ugly. I'm the girl who is nowhere near as smart as her brother. I'm the girl who has made more mistakes than should be possible. I'm the girl who only does her homework when there's an actual point. I'm the girl who wears whatever I can just so I can attract attention, feel less alone. I'm the girl who fakes a smile every once in a while. I'm the girl with a laugh she hates. I'm the girl with only a few friends who hides her face and avoids looking at people. I'm the girl who is only wanted because she's fake. I'm the girl who's empty inside.

And you, my loves, who read this will likely continue to only see the things I don't. The parts of me that keep you as friends and lovers throughout my life. Why? Because you're blind. Blind and refusing to see the obvious: I'm not who you think.

~~Monochrome Love~~

There’s no color to your meeting
There’s no fire in your eyes
He smiles and nods to her
Before pulling her close

False one, why are you here?
Don’t you see what the truth is?
But you appear to be blind
Or is it a choice?

There’s nothing left for you here
But you keep coming back
Running to the one who waits
Waiting for the one who runs

False one, why are you here?
Don’t you see what the truth is?
But you appear to be blind
Or is it a choice?

You have someone else, you know
Someone who can give you what you need
But every chance you get, you run from him
What’s wrong with you?

Lonely heart, why do you wait?
Don’t you see it will always be false?
You say you see it
So why do you accept it?

It’s not love that sends her back
It’s not love that makes him wait
There’s no color to your meetings
Your meetings that happen at night

Lonely heart, why do you wait?
Don’t you see it will always be false?
You say you see it
So why do you accept it?

There’s nothing left for you
Nothing left for either of you
So why does it continue?
Why does something wrong seem so right?

INSPIRATION SONG: Elephant Woman by Blonde Redhead Hey kiddies, it shouldn't take long for you to figure out what inspired this...Yeah, it's about Adam and me.....

Sunday, August 26, 2012

~~Memory of a Master~~

I suddenly grow frightened
Fall off my chair
And stand
But you simply pet my hair

And pull me to you
Looking into my eyes
Looking for something, anything, true
Something other than the lies

My eyes drop to the floor
Avoiding your searching gaze
That seeks to find my core
And expose it to the light of day

You smile and whisper soothingly
Telling me I am fine
I attempt to flee
But you say commandingly, "You're mine."

I freeze, and look up at you
But then I tremble and remember
Your love for me is true
As it has been true since November

The fateful nights when I fell
Collapsed by your side
And you pulled me out of hell
And opened me when I tried to hide

You smiled, and whispered my name
Soothingly, lovingly
For a moment, I forget you're just a player in the game
And believe you do love me

I press close to you, smiling again
Trying to believe I'm safe here
But god only knows when
I'll feel fear

Fear of you, of me
Of being hurt, destroyed
Of suffering agony
The familiar suffering of 'just another toy.'

~~Your Eyes Find Ice~~

Don't touch me
Don't even attempt it
Don't pull me to you
I can't take it

No....Don't kiss me
I'm not worth your love
I try to fight you
But you ignore my shove

You look into my eyes
And smile as you examine me
I glare back at you
Trying to ignore the bit of agony

You inflict with the love
So apparent in your eyes
The caring burning like fire
Setting fire to my lies

I know you see into my eyes
I know you see my soul
I know you see the emptiness
I know you see the hole

I know you feel my heart
I know you feel its stillness
I know you feel my angry eyes' stare
I know you feel how undeserving I am of kindness

But you hold me
Clutch me to you, like I'm the one thing left
You weep and sob into my neck
And I cry, too, bereft

Bereft of my walls at last
Shattered and left exposed
You tremble and I tremble too
Feeling the love you had transposed

Exchanged in place of the emptiness
The thrice-accursed cold
You make me feel alive
The first one I could ever hold....

~~So Take Me...But Go Slow....--Drifting Post~~

This post is inspired by Tonight by Seether and....It's about Ted and me.....I'm so hurt still kiddies, still so hurt....

And...And it seems I can barely cry.

I'm too damned strong to let go and burst into tears....I did cry a bit last night.....

But not enough.....Not enough to do everything Adam and I were justice.

I've always been cold.

My friends call it strength. I call it coldness. Numbness. Deadness.

I'm fucking numb kiddies.

When Dylan and I ended, I wanted to cut.

When Jae left me, I wanted to kill myself.

When Alexander turned out to be gay, I went out to the mountain in the middle of winter and HOWLED my grief, yelled accusations, wept and froze and screamed and screamed and screamed.....

When younger suicidal Adam ((who I haven't spoken to in months)) and I ended I just cried a bit because he had his reasons and I understood them. Of course it hurt but.....I lived right?

And I can't believe I've lived through all of this.

I can't believe how far I've come.

I've come too far...

Done too much...

I've done too much to be alive.

But...I'm still here.

And I'm not going to quit...

Because even though I'm cold....

Even though I'm broken....

I'm still me.

I'm still loved.

And, no matter how I scream...No matter how I cry....I AM worth loving. I'm worth holding tight.

I'm worth it....

So take me....

But go slow....

Because I'll run from you if I can....I'll end it if I can....

So take me...Please.....Don't let me leave you behind. Don't let me run into the night of my life. Don't let me escape your love and flee. Don't let me go.

I know I can't give you much.....

But I can give you me.

Ted....I love you. You're everything to me.......I love you so much.....

Please understand I can't leave you. I'm with you because it keeps me from being alone. Because it's a shot at a life I never would have had otherwise.

But I'm also with you because of who you are. You're smarter than you think, kind and caring and loving. You amaze me every day because you're not who I am. You're not jaded yet by this world. You're not hurt so bad yet. You're someone who helps and tries to help. You won't give up on people, even though its you who talks so much about murder and death. You give money to beggars when I just walk on by, too used to it to even care any more. You're philosophical and passionate--and even if its about things I know next to nothing about it still amazes me. You are so much stronger than me....You give me hope my love. You give me hope.

I love you, with every piece of damaged me.

And, if you accept me for who I am, what right have I to disagree?

Saturday, August 25, 2012

~~OH HOLY CRUD YO--Life Post--

You, oh lovely readers, simply amaze me! Oh so many views...I simply must bask in your adoration of me!

You guys DO realize that, by reading my blog so much, you're just feeding my a bit over-the-top self image?


You love me.

And, in honor of that love....I'm going to take a huge risk and just hope none of you mind that I'm linking something...ahem, eighteen plus. Yes, I'm fifteen. Shush. No one really cares these days...And besides this story is just golden! It's hilarious, sexy, and it kept me laughing and smiling the entire time. I LOVE the author Firebrain, but this is her best work!!! I really wish she'd write a lot more....She has a lot of stories posted, but none of them are recent...She's stopped writing I suppose. Well here you are! She Needs A Montage by the lovely and talented Firebrain! If, dear lady, you ever happen to read this......I LOVE YOU AND I LAY ETERNAL CLAIM TO OLLY!

Ahem...Erm....I'm getting sidetracked.

Why am I talking about porn?

A better question would be....WHY NOT? Ach I'm seriously thinking about turning my hand to writing erotica. of course I can't really make an account on literotica.com but...What about me making an 18+ blog? If I post the story links on here, and perhaps a bit of a blurb about each one, would you guys read them? I really hope you would! I want to get feedback.....

I love you deeply kiddies, but I'm off to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you feel like watching it with me...CLICK ME! CLICK ME NOW! Ohh...CLICK ME!!!! Erm....I need to go now....I love you forever world!! I'll post again tonight I swear x3

Thursday, August 23, 2012

--The Anthem Of The Angels--

 Alas....Night has fallen and it seems I have fallen too. Into a dark mood, one of a lot of pain but...Pleasure and enjoyment too. The time has come for me to write this....

Strength in your weeping
Tears that come seeping
Down the old canyons
Back to the sea

False angel wings
Grace the distant shores
And shatter the sun
Until you're back to me

False eyes that drift
Alight upon gemstones
That cannot be touched
As long as you breathe

Your wings tear and shatter
Yet on you fly
And the world laughs so harshly
As you fall to me....

THAT is our anthem.

The Anthem of the Angels....Written to the rhythm of the end of the world....

Goodnight, sweet readers.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

--A Measure Of My Strength--

I stand here
Broken, and bleeding
I don't bow though
My skin has been marked
By the touch of many
I don't bow though
I can scarce see
The path ahead of me
I don't bow though
You taunt me
With riches
I don't bow though

I turn, and look behind me
And marvel at the twisting path
How far I have come
I examine the pitfalls
The twisted pains
How far I have come
I whimper and touch
The many scars
How far I have come
I tremble and take
Another slow step
How far I have come

I bite my lip
And let the blood run, red
How much I regret
I hear your screams
Of pain and loneliness
How much I regret
I feel your hands
Slap across my skin so harshly
How much I regret
I feel your voices
Mock me for my failures
How much I regret....

I watch the wound upon my lip
Heal over with a diamond scar
How strong I am
I feel the scars harden
And cool against my skin
How strong I am
I hear the mocking voices
Turn to ones of pride
How strong I am
I watch with dry eyes as the ones I love
Walk away from me
How strong I am....

~~Raphael's Letter: An Offbeat Post~~

Dearest little one....

You are fifteen years of age, my love. Fifteen years upon this earth....How many years remain, I wonder?

How many years until you sleep, fall into my arms, and close your eyes forever? How long until your tortured howls and cries end in blissful sleep?

I see nothing but strength and love in your eyes, but once I peer deeper....

I see you.

The twisted mind, the tortured pain....

How much hate....How much darkness lurks within you?

How much is hidden behind your diamond wall, my beautiful little one?

The blood that races through your veins is the blood of the ages, yet....So tainted by this sickening mortal realm. I watch you flail about, caught eternally in the webs you create. I watch you laugh and dance, maddened by pain and sickened by your deeds, but the diamond of your skin remains untouched, unstained. Perfect and pure, but yet....So wonderfully, delectably tainted.

I flourish in you, my little one. In your laughter, in your silliness. My heart soars when you play, and soars even higher when you try to weep but find your eyes dry.

If I let you feel....What agony that would cause you! If I broke your walls....You would love....But lose your mind.

My little one, do you comprehend what I and the others do? We seal you off from the pain, from the world. Because we love you, and we need you to live...For when this life ends and another begins, you will need to be...Unbroken.

When you are old enough to feel, we will shatter your walls. But for now, my young one...

Rest in your walls, secure in our arms. Let us dance for you....

Let us dance for you.

Yours forever,


~~Tales Written On A Plucked Angel's Feather 2.0~~

I'm shivering
So weakly
You're watching me
So strangely
New faces, new eyes
Tracing my form
Examining the scars
That glimmer in the dim light
Examining all the diamond-plated wounds
Soft questions form
On judging lips
I shiver
And you watch me
Many hands reach
Out to me
Chanting softly
"New friend, new girl."
I listen
Only a bit afraid
Will you leave me
If I show you
Who I am?
Will you judge me
If I whisper
The truths
Of my scars?
But I need to try
So I speak
Ignoring the trembling
In my lips and voice
And tell
A tale
Of friends lost
And found
Of suicide
Of love
Of rape and nights alone
Or darkness and shadows and prayers
Prayers unanswered
You flinch when I speak
And reveal the long nights
Of cold, bared skin and goosebumps
Perfume bottles clutched
In trembling hands
And then the sordid fumbles
Of skin across skin
Feeling places
I had never felt
I felt so much fear
But you listened
And watched me
I grew weaker
Telling of the betrayal
Of a decision
To leave someone
Someone I love
Someone who loved me
Who craved me
Who needed me
Someone who looked after me
And would have given me
The entire world
If I just took his hand
But I didn't
I left him
And left him crying
Hating me
But loving me
Always loving me
I fall
To my knees
Unable to look
At those who listened
Those who watched
Those who judged
But then
Two hands
Wrap around me
And lift me to my feet
I press back, find a body
Much larger than mine
And a bristly chin
That rubs itself on my forehead
I find my lover's hands
And clutch them
Tightly in mine
I smile up at him
And then gaze
Back out to the eyes
That stared back at me
The lips
Tilt up into smiles
And their arms spread
And I fall into them
Hugging them tight
A new chance
For a new life
For happiness
For friendship
Behind me, Ted stands
And watches over me
Smiling with pride

Pride of me
Who has suffered
And yet loved
Loved him for the failures
For the mistakes
For the successes
Of his life
And he felt
A single tear
Roll down his cheek
And drop to the obsidian earth
A fallen

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

~~I Didn't Expect It To Hurt....:Life Post~~

I didn't expect this to hurt so goddamn bad....I mean I knew they'd only used me for my body but, until last night it didn't hit, you know? I....I didn't think I'd care. I didn't think I'd find myself lying in bed crying my ass off...

Last night I was talking with some guy I know, someone I used to cam with. I considered him a friend--well at least he was one of the few guys who spoke to me, so...I had to consider him something. and I....I didn't expect the truth.

He's had a girlfriend this entire time....So much more beautiful than me, someone he loved so damn much...

What the hell?

Where did I fit into this?

Was I nothing to him?

I was nothing to him....

I was just a whore who's price was sympathy and patience....

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

~~I'm No Angel~~

For the longest time, you've told me
To look through the dark agony
And spot the gold in my eyes
The truth behind the lies
You told me I was an Angel
When I think I'm deserving of hell
You look at me
And attempt to convince me
That I am worthy of the name
And all of the fame
Resting upon my shoulders
But, I am growing colder
And it seems I feel so little
Well, at least I'm no longer brittle
But now it seems like I could leave
Everyone, and never grieve
Is that strength, or weakness?
Feeling, or numbness?
Still, you tell me to smile
And to try and be proud for a while
I know I've come far
But it's not without a scar
A scar that will never fade
The mark of a heart too often played
And, as I live my life
I can no longer save you from the knife
Instead I just stop caring
And hide from the eyes that don't stop staring
Staring at my wounds and wondering
If I still feel their sting
I'm no Angel
But....I won't go to hell
I'll be the best I can be
So you won't see
The emptiness in me
That masquerades as sympathy

~~Dear God of Inspiration Known As Fred: COME BACK~~

Oh Mighty Fred, Lord of Inspiration, God of Writers! Grant me my inspiration once again!

Damn, I need to quit blabbing about my stories, don't I? I need to focus on the writing. *Le sigh.* Oh shit flashback...Easy Angel, forget the memories of your former Master. Forget. Breathe little one, breathe. You can pull through.

Okay me is good. I get...memories a lot. I think a lot and thinking is bad. I watch anime to keep from thinking.

But blogging is nothing but thinking. I blog to think.

So why do I blog?

Because anime does get a bit repetitive.

Except for Black Butler.

I will always love it.

Now, Dear God Fred, grant me my inspiration so I may continue my asinine and amusing story once more....

Farewell, dearest lovers.

Monday, August 13, 2012

~~Cheerios: An Upcoming Story Teaser~~

My name is Adal Brizio Fieri. And you, dearest reader, has a name I do not know—even though I would like to, you adorable little person. Well I believe that was enough for now—I managed to offend a good amount of people in the very first paragraph. Ta-ta!
But, unfortunately, my bitter muse has other plans for me. She plonked me right back in that absurd swingy chair of hers, and said to me—but sadly I can’t use her exact words, as I would be landed in jail for that kind of language—“You had better keep writing, donkey-hole. And your ramblings had better be something nicer than excrement.”
That didn’t sound at all fake, now did it? I’ll give a dramatic sigh now, for it seems that I must actually get down to the writing business, instead of my ramblings.
Why don’t I begin like this….

I am Adal Brizio Fieri, and I am likely the last person you should ever ask for help. But sadly I’m the last hope anyone, ever, will have of living a long and relatively happy life on this dying earth. Unfortunately, saving the world…isn’t my cup of tea.
I seem to be getting a bit ahead of myself, and you don’t even know what I look like yet. Well let me tell you this….I have thick black hair, and when I shower it turns into an affro. When you pair that affro with bright blue eyes, you get a quite odd picture, don’t you? And when you add on the quite chiselled chin, vampire-pale skin, and thick black eyebrows, this gets weirder and weirder. But, oh no, the lovely mental image of my face doesn’t halt there—include a face like a pizza in your mental musings, and you will have the adorable visage of Adal Brizio Fieri, the rather absurd narrator you have decided to spend quite a while listening to as he preaches about death and despair and sex. Quite a lot of sex if I feel like it. Not like I get it a lot though….
And onto the rest of me. I dress a lot in normal clothes—t-shirts, jeans, and a couple of band shirts thrown in for good measure. Currently I’m dressed in a TOOL shirt. If you don’t know them, then why are you reading this? You should be jumping off a bridge.
Anywho, that’s enough of my rambling about appearances for now. I should get on with things, shouldn’t I?
Well….I guess I should begin with the day I died.
More specifically, I’ll begin with the day I died the first time.
I die quite a lot….Usually because I ramble so much, apparently. It tends to not be a very useful thing when you’re in a pickle—or in a jam if you prefer. You know, I really don’t like jam. Jam is too sweet for me. I hate sweet things, and I like fish. So you can kind of guess  what I also enjoy on the side. Mm, mm, mm…Wait, my muse—also known as my Keeper—is whacking me over the back of the head. She hates it when I ramble. So I’ll begin.
“But, mom, I don’t want to go to school!” I yelled, having just woken up out of a very amusing (and quite stimulating) dream involving a horse, a midget, and something resembling a flashlight.
My mom didn’t answer. In fact, she couldn’t answer—she was lying in a puddle of blood on the floor beside my bed. The carpet will get all stained, was my first thought. And my next thought was, Whose boots are those?
The boots attracted my attention. I looked at the boots. I realized they were attached to calves. I looked at the calves. I realized the calves were wearing black shorts. I looked at the shorts. Above the shorts was a Hawaiian shirt. I looked at the pretty floral patterns. Above the shirt was a beard, all curly and red. I didn’t like the beard. Above the beard was a mouth. It was not smiling. Above the smile was a pair of green eyes. They looked at me. I looked back. There was a very loud bang. The green eyes looked down at my chest. I looked down. There was a slowing spread of red on my shirt. I liked the red of that even less than the red of the man’s beard.
My last thought was, My mom will kill me for staining my shirt….

I woke up to a bowl of Cheerios being shoved in my face. “I don’t like Cheerios,” I said, looking at the white bowl holding the little floating circles of death and despair.
“Too bad. You’re eating them one way or another, Unit 351,” a commanding, yet very female, voice said from above me.
I looked up. The voice matched the woman who stood over me—no curves and not a bit of fat on her, and she didn’t have any—
“Unit 351, I would appreciate it if you didn’t ogle my body. That disobeys Protocols 4 and 8. I am your superior, and your criticisms of my body are not appreciated either. Breasts are not useful in the war,” she told me, her chapped and thin lips forming the words with an easy grace. She didn’t have a trace of an accent, and her deeply tanned skin and curly black hair didn’t help much either. She arched one half of her unibrow, and I bit my lip, remembering what she had just said.
Not seeing much choice in the matter, I took the Cheerios and the proffered spork and proceeded to dine on the oh-so-heavenly soggy circles. At least the milk was good—0% milk with almost no sweetness to it, just the way I prefer it.
While I ate, I was watched quite closely. When I was done my cereal, I handed the empty bowl and the spork back to her, and she takes it. When she does, she comments dryly, “You’re an odd one Unit 351. You didn’t even ask how you’re here when you died twenty four hours and fifteen minutes ago.”
I fell off the bed, and suddenly was quite glad I had not eaten things appetizing. I felt no loss whatsoever as I heaved up every last soggy circle there was in my stomach, shoulders shaking. I even trembled and writhed a bit.
Surprisingly, Cheerios Woman actually did something resembling human, and she walked over to me and touched me on the shoulder. She didn’t get me a bowl or anything to heave into, but it was better than doing the alternative of staring at me from the doorway. When I managed to stop the heaving, she said, “You’re a normal one now. There’s a mop in the corner. I’d clean it up fast before it stinks up the room, Unit 351. A Briefer will be in soon.”
I look at the mop.
I look at the vomit.
I look at the mop.
I look at the closing door behind Cheerios Woman.
I look at the vomit.
I look at the bed.
I get in the bed.
Five minutes later, I regret not cleaning the vomit.
What a smell….
I get out of bed and grab the mop, and while I’m attempting to extract myself from the delightful mess  of a single sheet and lack of pillow on the glorified cot the door opens.
When I spy who’s currently entering the room, I automatically regret not cleaning the mess.
Oddly enough, my tiny little girlfriend doesn’t seem to care, for in the brief few seconds it took for her to open the door and me to recognize her she is already in my arms, cuddling up close to me, muttering sweet nothings in my ear.
It takes me a couple minutes to compute things, but when I do, I come to my senses with my arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly to me just the way she likes. I come to my senses just in time for her to whisper, “I’m sorry I ordered your death, lover….”
At this stage, I am even more confused than I was when I walked in on my little brother in his bedroom with a turkey, a turkey baster, and a cat in a bikini.
But right now, I don’t care very much. “Hugs,” I say quietly, hugging my girl to me, my sweet Lola. My sweet little girl….
She seems to tense up a bit, but she hugs me back just as tightly. I notice she’s shaking, and I cup her sweet little face in my hands, loving how her face is almost covered by them. She’s so small. She tries to smile at me, but the tears slide down her face. I sigh, and hold her tighter, hoping I hadn’t made her cry.
As you might have guessed, I was deeply in shock and more than a bit confused, and I was just happy to have something vaguely familiar in my arms. Especially someone so small and cute, who shared my hatred of Cheerios.

~~Well that is all for now my loves. I hope you like it xD Thanks goes out to all my gang who will be making little appearances throughout the story--I wonder if you'll recognize yourselves? As you may have guessed, Ted is a bit of the inspiration for my lead Adal. And I seem to be his little girlfriend who ordered his death and shares his hatred of Cheerios....Have fun with this story kiddies, it's going to be one hell of a mind fuck. XD

Sunday, August 12, 2012

~~ENOUGH.--Life Post~~

I've done enough of this.

I need to cheer up.

I'm beautiful.

I'm sexy.

I'm worth loving.

I DO love.

I hate myself, yes, but I love who I am too.

Not only for what I've done, but for what I'm going to do.

I'm no saint.

I can't stand under my own power, not after all of this.

But I'm going to be fucking great.

I'm going to be amazing.

Damn it all, I'm going to get through this.

I love who I am.

I'm damnably amazing.

And I WILL make myself believe that.

I need to.

For everyone I love, I need to love myself.

~~Someone. Anyone. Forgive Me.--Prayer Post~~

My loves, this act I've been keeping up for the past few months must be kept up. My farce of life must be maintained. It. Must. Be. Maintained.

Even if my life becomes a tawdry thing, a repetition of reruns and old shows, talking to the same people about the same blessedly simple things.

I must go on living.

I must live.


If the news from Raphael on his explorations through the ancient records we came across in the Mansion is true, then...I'm in for one hell of a long life.

I'm going to live upon this planet countless times until the very day it ends.

And I will be unable to stop the world from ending.

And, if the briefest flashes we got of that distant time are true, this cursed soul of mine will be one of the many who can prevent the end of all things, and one of the ones who chooses to let it end.

Of course that might just be my ego talking, saying I'm going to be important and all, but...I prefer to believe Raphael speaks true enough.


With every one of my many lives, I will become stronger. I will become better. In my thirteenth life, I will be called a saint. I will be an icon for many. I will save people's lives.


And there's a HUGE but....

With every life, my self hatred will grow.

I will become stronger and better because inside my duality of love for everyone and hatred for self will increase.

And I'll start losing myself more and more....Luckily my mask will be more perfected.

There's another good side to this....

Ted's following me through my life.

Through ALL of my lifetimes.

I...I feel sorry for him as, in every lifetime, he will be the one keeping me level and strong. With every lifetime that passes, I will get harder and harder to look after.....

But he will love me no matter what until the very end of days....

I don't deserve that love....

You know....

My entire life....I've hated myself. I have never been good enough. I've always been too weak, too helpless, too young, too foolish to stand. To try and be alive.

I'm...not going to be able to carry on this farce one day.

But by the Gods that won't be the day I fall.

I'm going to stand on my fucking deathbed, so broken and shattered but far too bull-headed and foolish to quit. I'm going to be there, about to die, and THAT is when I'm going to rip off my disguise and let them glimpse the abyss within me.

And I'm shrieking now for someone to forgive me for the crimes I'm guilty of. For all the times I said "I love you," and didn't mean it. For all the people I've hurt. For everyone I've abandoned. Please forgive me...

Forgive me.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

~~In Memoriam of Angel Fuck: A Memories Post~~

Mi dispaice. Mi dispaice il mio maestro.

How fitting, is it not, to begin the post in the same language and words I had attempted to tell him goodbye with?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry my Master.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry....

I remember so much....

I can't get the first time we were together out of my head....

We started talking, and it didn't take him long to tell me I was adorable. He petted me, and when I tried to bite his hand he stopped and asked if he couldn't pet me. I told him he could pet me, but only if he told me where. He replied with nowhere dirty, because he only dirty pets with permission.

I....I gave him permission.

We sat down on the couch together. I was tired, so I leaned up against his side. He let me, but he didn't put an arm around me. Not yet...

I put my head in his lap, and...and things went from there.

I loved him...

And I still do.

He told me so many things...

Held me when I cried..

And he was so good to me....



Forgive me.

Please forgive me, even though I deserve your forgiveness not....

I miss you so!

Friday, August 10, 2012

~~Accused Confession: Realization Post~~

Master Adam accused me of something.

Something that is all too true.

He accused me of loving no one.

Of being too numb to love.

And he might be right....

I might be very, very numb.

I don't feel like I would die for anyone any more.

I find it very hard to love after everything.

After everything I've been through.

After Dylan....



And then...Adam. My fourteen year old amazing Adam I was so proud of....

Who broke up with me.

On the phone.

On our one week anniversary.


Yeah...Major ow.

I'm not okay, I wish I could say I was but....But I'm not.

I haven't been okay in forever.

I'm breaking inside, dying inside.

And of course I keep up the mask!

Of course I hide it oh-so-well....

But...I don't know if I feel a thing at all.

I think I'm just plain dead inside, you know?

But, please just forget I'm weak.

I am able to love, but sometimes....

Hell...A lot of the times....

What Master Adam accused me of becomes true.

He accused me of using love as a way to get people to keep me from feeling numb.

Trading my body and my words for an escape from numbness.

Dammit, maybe he is right....

But NO....

I won't let him be right.

I miss him so.....

I miss him so much....

I love you, kiddies....

So much....

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

~~In Pursuit of a Waistline: Life Post~~

I'm going to destroy my body doing this....

But it's going to be worth it.

I want my hourglass waist back.

Those damned trips with all that damned delicious delectable poutine!!!!


Poutine is my addiction...

THAT is poutine my loves.

That mess of delicious gravy and cheese curds and perfect french fries....

Fat on a plate.


I am so very addicted to it, but this is one addiction I am certain to be punished for.

And I ever so rarely get it, so I should be fine. Right?


Sadly, the effects of said poutine are long lasting.

I'm way too fat for my liking.

No, no NO I'm not going to turn anorexic. Promise. I'm just gonna get my waistline back.

And lose mah tummy.

VVV THAT is my tummy. VVV

I look pregnant....

Btw I'm not.

My period is still on its not-at-all regular cycle, thank you very much for wondering.


Well me is fine with it. I just wanna get it a bit smaller, okay?

I want an hourglass waist again. I had one before the road trip to universities, but all that sitting in a car and all those fast food joints....>.<

Oh jeez, well isn't this a spectacular post?

What am I thinking, posting this? As if you guys would want to know....



Wish me luck in my pursuit of a curvy waist!

~~Four Hundredth Post: A WTF, HOW Post~~

Hey, Angel here. Just checking up on all of you guys.....


Tonight is a historic occasion. I have hit my four hundredth post my loves!!!!

This is it.

I'm writing it right now.

And is anyone surprised I'm struggling to find something to say?

By the Gods, my loves....

Four hundred posts.

Four hundred posts.

And it won't be very long until I have hit ten times that amount of views.

By the gods...

How did this happen?

I'm a fifteen year old girl.

I never claimed to be good.

I rarely offer advice.

All I do is write poetry and stories...And I'm still viewed and read and loved. I'm just a simple girl...Nothing special.

But I'm still here, writing as much as I can, getting more famous as time goes by.

I love you so much, those of you who have been with me throughout my journey.

May we keep on moving.


~~7 Reasons to Love Me: List Post~~

  1. I'm way adorable. You haven't noticed this? I mew, whimper, bark, squirm, make cute little noises, almost faint if I'm kissed right, and if I'm not holding onto Ted's hand when we're together I get..unhappy
  2. I'm creative. I love to write, to dream, to live a different life. I continually search for different ways to express myself, and usually I come across looking very well. I try my best to be good at the things I do, and I'm talented enough at my writing that I shine. I might have an issue with run-on sentences though.....I think you've guessed that already
  3. I am addicted to Minecraft. I love Othello (also known as Reversi.) I grew up playing Dungeons and Dragons and RPGs. Any questions?
  4. I'm crazy. No questions? Good. You guys seem to know me pretty well.
  5. I'm beautiful. An hourglass waist I'm working on, and even my legs are hopefully going to be more toned at the end of this month. I'm not a conventional beauty, but I'm what a lot of guys seem to like.
  6. I've been through hell a thousand times, and gotten my heart broken more times than I can count, but I still have the strength to love and to be okay.
  7. I'm me.


I could say
A million things
"I'm numb."
"I didn't cry."
I could do
A million things
Run back to him
Let myself shatter
But I won't
I'm going to stand up
I would stand
But my legs
Hurt so much
From running
That I might need
To cancel with my friends
But, I guess
I'm okay
I'll just live
I don't hurt like I used to
And that's why I'm afraid
I don't scream any more
I don't feel
So much hurt
That I can't live any more
I feel alive
I'm filled with love
And hope
And strength
When I shouldn't be
Is this wrong?
It's been twenty four hours
And I've recovered
Is something
Wrong with me?
Or am I just

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

~~Constructive Self-Destruction: Life Post~~

So it's done.

Master Adam is gone.


And now what?

I rejoice because my choice is made? Because the guilt is gone? Because now I'm on the right path? I smile and look for friends, find the hope and strength people tell me I'm flooded to the brim with, and move on with my life?


I don't see the strength to let go of something that was damning me and the one I loved to a fate I couldn't allow as anything but weak.

I broke a heart in pursuit of my own interests. I damned someone I have loved for months to a living hell. I became the person I have been refusing to admit myself as for months. Adam....If I could turn back the clocks, I would make it so...I would have ended you and I sooner. I wouldn't have kept things going for as long as they did. Maybe instead of ending in fire and hate we would have ended in tears?

Instead of consigning each other to a fiery eternity, we would have wished each other good luck.


I didn't. I wasn't strong enough then. I wasn't smart enough.

I'm sorry.

I should have done better for you. You deserved so much better than the goodbye I gave you. You also deserved someone better than me....

Someone...Less cold. Someone less damaged than me, and someone more willing to live on maybe's and hope than I was.

I'm sorry.


It's useless to regret.

And I need to move on with my life....

I chose life and certainty of being held. I chose the warmth of a body and arms holding me, clutching me to them. Crushing me by their strength, but never enough to hurt me....Only enough to make me feel alive.

I chose someone who may not be as good today, but someone who will be so much more tomorrow. I chose someone I know I can one day marry. I chose someone who is older than me by a lot, but not old enough for society to damn us. I chose someone I can build a life with, someone who plans to follow me miles and miles all the way to university.

I chose Ted.


And a lot of me feels like I should turn around, run back to last night, feel worse than I do.

Because I've already gotten better.

I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I think I am.

Today, I took the razor in my hand.

And held it to my wrist.

A second later, I was using it to shave my legs.

I'm getting better...At living.

And I ran for an hour today--the duration of Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension. I can barely move. I also did my usual workouts. Up to benchpressing eighty pounds. Nice to know I've gained strength, and I have definitely gained endurance.

I chose to destroy myself--my OLD self.

I shouldn't complain about a life I chose to live. The scars I bear....They're strength to me. I'm proud of them. I'm proud. I might be hurt, but I'm not planning on giving up hope.

I'm going to get even better.

I can't stop loving myself.

Not yet.

I love you, my friends.

I love you, my family.

I love me, too.

I have some songs for you.

Tonight by Seether for Ted and me.

Elephant Woman by Blond Redhead for the way Adam and me ended.

Possession by Evans Blue for how Adam and I had been. I was his possession....His never and always.

Who I Am by Smile Empty Soul for me.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

~~What's Wrong With Me?: Life Post~~

Why am I not okay?

Why am I almost constantly numb?

Why does it seem like I can't do anything but breathe and hurt the people around me?

Why am I so numb?



I'm going crazy.

I hate myself!

I can't breathe...

Please someone....Make sense of this wild cataclysm that is me....I need to be held....


Arms pull me in for a hug. A bristly chin finds its place on my shoulder. Beautiful blue eyes close beside me. I'm crushed against someone, lost in them. I can't see anything but them and I can't feel anything but them. My arms wrap around him....

Around Ted.

And the emptiness fades.

Whatever is wrong with me goes away whenever he's hugging me.

I've never been hugged like this before.....

I need him.

I need to be held....

So I won't be numb any more.....

~~Please Forgive Me: A Message to Adam~~

I hope you'll read this, Master Adam. I hope you will....

Because I need you to know a few things.

You were very good to me, and I was shit to you....I hurt you. I'm so sorry and even though I shouldn't feel this much guilt...I do. I do, and I'll always carry it around with me. I'm not doing well. And I'm drowning--you know I am. You were one of the best people I was ever with. You made me feel alive.

I love you.


Please, forget me if you can....Let go of me. I don't want to cause you more pain than I already have....

I'll be okay....And if my will ever breaks...

I'll come back....

Maybe, I...

I need a shot at real life.

I need someone to hold me and comfort me and...And you can't do that.

I know it's not fair..I know I'm being selfish.

I know you would come up here the second you could, but...

I can't risk a guarantee on a maybe.

I've sold my heart to people afar before, and....I can't do it anymore.

I can't wait years.

I can't.

By the gods, I can't....

I love you....

But no more.

No more....

~~Yours Never and Always, Angel Fuck~~

Friday, August 3, 2012

~~I Wish--A Rambling~~

I wish...

So many things....

I wish Ian and I could be. I wish I could be with him. I wish I could drown myself in the most fascinating mind I've yet to come across. I wish I could hold him when he's crying. I wish I could fight with him. I wish I could be there. I wish...

I wish I wasn't just paying my dues to the Opheliac in me!

I wish....!

I wish I wasn't laughing in madness within while I fight to remain the beautiful girl you see me as, so kind and beautiful and gentle and good. I wish that instead of feeling less alone and happier when you're with me, you'd feel the darkness and the fear that I so often find myself in.

I'm not the one who should be loved!

I'm not the one who should be protected!

Because it's you who should be protected from me.

From the madness that floods my veins when I stop my breathing and still my heartbeat, let the Figments fly through me, and tear my sanity to shreds as I collapse into the blackness.

From everything I am.

I'm not real!

Do you hear me, my loves?



It's the Opheliac in me!

The hatefulness in me, the coldness, the viciousness, the greed....

The me!

"Studies show:
Intelligent girls are more depressed 
Because they know
What the world is really like 
Don't think for a beat it makes it better 
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right 
She knows in society she either is
A devil or an angel with no in between 
She speaks in the third person
So she can forget that she's me!" --Opheliac, by Emilie Autumn

I'm nothing but an Opheliac, hidden inside but every so often she slips free....

I slip free.

I wish I was sane!

I wish the world was better.

I wish I could choose who to love.

I wish I felt like I could love.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

~~Did I Get Well, Did I Get Well?--Life Post~~

I've been trying to recover from who I was.

A liar who sought drama and trouble with no self control. Who lied and made up drama when there was none in her life just so she could get attention.

And I just want to know if I've grown up or not.

I think I have, but I'm scared to know....

I'm scared to know.

I've gotten better but as time passes and I'm stuck between Master Adam and Master Ted, I doubt I've changed. I'm giving them as much as I can give but the loneliness and the hollowness isn't helping much. I know I should choose but....One fills my needs in ways the other can not.

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well....

Did I get well, did I get well....?

I want to be okay my loves.

I want to be sane.

I want to be someone worth loving.

I want to be someone deserving of all the worshipping touches, the soft sweet looks and touches, and the arms so tightly wrapped around me when I'm crying. I want to be deserving of the people who trust me enough to cry in my arms.

And until I'm better, I won't be deserving of it.

So right now, I'm scared.

Am I still a member of the suicidal recital?

Am I still shrieking for attention?

Did I get well?

Did I get well?

I'm lying in bed, shivering more from the cold inside than from the chill of the fan that barely serves to beat back the summer heat, staring out the window at the night as it slowly darkens. I'm feeling the world rock underneath me--my body's still used to the movements of the houseboat. I feel the tears form in my eyes, but I'm not going to let them fall. I've cried too much as it is, even though the last time I truly cried was a long time ago. I'm afraid, so afraid....But I just can't stop fighting now, can I?

I'm tired and hurt.

Love for Ian, something that has been growing for a long time now, has been halted by both his will and mine. He has Ashley in real life. I have Ted in real life. Neither of us need any more complications, and even though we both agree we would have been a hell of a couple, we just can't be. Maybe not ever, even though both he and I choose to believe in reincarnation.

Love is a curse for Angels like me.

God it's so true...

It's a curse, an addiction, but I can't get enough.

I need love....

I need to feel loved, to give love....

Even if love is just lust, I need it....

And I want it all...

"Three words don't mean shit to me
There's only one that matters in my world you see
you can keep giving me, keep giving me more more more
I still won't be yours...." I Want It All, by Dangerous Muse

"I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content, stay where you are but it hurts like help
And I'm sure it's fun at first, test your pulse and test your vitals
If it's only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital..." Get Well by Icon for Hire

~~I Want to Write a Porno: Life Post~~

I don't think that title needs very much explanation.

But I will anyways.

I've been reading a lot of porn lately, mainly on literotica.com. Why, you ask? Because I'm female, a bit of a sex addict, and I'm a good writer. Besides....After all the experience cybering....I'm good at it.

But sadly I can't post it here, so I'll need to....erm....

I don't know.

I could maybe post it on literotica, but I doubt I can make an account there, seeing as I'm nowhere near eighteen.

I don't know if I'll base it on life experiences or not..Shade and I or Will and I.....I've had some amazing lovers and memories. Shade and I were basically intense, and I was Will's slave. He was my first Master....

Or perhaps I'll use my more current partners...

*Shuts up.*

Okay maybe this post has edged into the...more private areas of my life.

Well I'll stop talking now....

I love you kiddies.