~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Story of Love--Life Post

I don't know what I'm doing.....I can barely think or feel...I just wanna scream...I just wanna run...Just wanna burst into tears. I just wanna get out of here. I just want to go back to when nothing mattered and no one cared. When it was just me without any sites, just trying my way alone in the world. I'm so sorry...So damnably sorry...As if it matters if I apologize or try to atone for the things I've done. There's no going back. No healing. Nothing left but to keep stumbling forward. Nothing left but to just keep trying to live, even though there isn't anything worth it. Nothing left that's worth all of this agony. I'm slipping down, drowning, dying, and praying. But there's no one up there who will answer me. I'm fading away and I'm screaming. How could this happen to me? Why isn't anyone answering me? Why am I being tested? Why am I being pushed until I break? How far can I go? I'm sorry, listen to me, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! So sorry......

Stop asking me to be what I can't be....I'm sorry! Stop asking me those questions...Stop it...Just stop it! Stop telling me you love me! Stop telling me you'll keep me safe! Stop it! Just stop it now! Stop it...I can't take this anymore! Leave me alone! Leave me the hell alone...GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME! Just please....Please........

Why am I freaking out you ask? Well...Here's the story.

So here we have a young Black Rabbit, beloved by many, but broken beyond repair. One who knows she only hurts the ones who protect her, and warns them, but they never listen. And she is so scared, so scared of everything. And then enter a King, demanding but caring, wanting so badly to protect her. Black Rabbit, wanting to please, lets him believe she loves him as much as he loves her, even though she might be incapable of it. And how can she know if her King does love her? To make things more confusing, enter a gentlemanly Wolf, one who finds what is going on and steps in to help. He asks her for a dance, answers her questions kindly, makes her laugh. And then kisses her. Now poor Black Rabbit, barely over so much agony, is left wondering how this happened to her, and who is safe to love: The King who wants more than she can provide but who swears he will love her forever, or the Wolf who only wants her happiness but just happens to be the stepbrother of one of her best friends?

The King's name is Tolga. He's twenty one years of age, seven years older than I. He lives in the Netherlands. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he will always protect me, always keep me safe. But he wishes from me sex. And a child. And to be his girlfriend, his baby, forever. Not anyone else's. Never anyone else's. He wants from me sex, and I...I gave it to him. He is solely online.....I just...I just could not tell him no.

And my Wolf...God my Wolf...I love him. He's seventeen, elegant, aristocratic, perhaps perfect. His name is Alexander. He's a poet. So sweet and so kind. All that he wants from me is a promise for me to be careful. We danced. He gave me a tour of his house. We shared iced teas and cakes. He told me he loved me, told me the sweetest things, that he will respect whatever choice I make.

I can't control this anymore.

Tolga, my King, I love you.

Alexander, my Wolf, I love you.

Forgive me.

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