No Way Of Knowing--Life Post

I'm sitting in the computer lab. People are everywhere around me. But, strangely, no one notices me as I sit here, alone at the end of a table, my fingers tapping at the keys, searching obituaries every few minutes. Every time I search, I smile just a bit, and say out loud, "Not yet. Not yet."

But there's no real wat of telling.

She could already be gone.

Last night, you see, I recieved a message from Emmy. Instant moment of blind hope.

Heart in my throat, I click on it, and with growing horror, I read the words that I find waiting for me: "Hey, I'm Emily's sister.....She's in the hospital and we don't know if she's going to make it.....I'm very sorry."

I have those exact words forever burned upon my memory.

That's why I'm searching Vermont obituaries.

So far. there are no results for Emily Packard/Pachard (I forget how to spell it correctly) but that doesn't mean anything. They just might not have gotten around to posting it yet, and she could already be gone.

And....Quizilla is blocked because it contains games. So....I...I have no way of knowing if the world I live in now contains the girl I love most, or if she's already gone.

I didn't tell very many people so far. The ones I told told me to keep up hope, that she will pull through.

I'm supposed to be working on an advertisement. But I elected not to. It's not hard to realize why.

I told Alex Pratt--a good friend of mine who I have all my classes with--not to be surprised if I burst into tears randomly at various points throughout the day. It hasn't happened yet, but both me and her are waiting for it.

My friend Sheila told me that she's always here if I need her. That if I need to talk, she's here.

But....Oh my god.....I wish....I wish I had some way of telling her goodbye! I told Emily's sister--god, I don't even know her name--to tell Emily I love her and that she has to fight, because even if she never speaks to me again I still don't want to live in a world without her in it.

I feel so....Empty.

I wish I could go home.

Be where I can go online, and wait for a message telling me.....

I don't know what I want to hear. If she's here, it means I still won't ever hear from her again, but at least she's alive. If she's gone, it means she no longer has to suffer, but that it was my fault and now I am alone.

I know...I know it was her choice, to do this. I didn't even bother asking what happened until the last sentence of my reply. I knew it was attempted suicide. The only thing that surprised me at all about that message was that it was sent.

Thank you, Emily's sister, for telling me this.

I think I'm just gonna go home. Junk the rest of the day--it's not worth it.

I'm gonna call home, see what my mom says.

Bye guys.

Written a few hours ago. At school, first period English. Oh, yeah, I'm in grade nine dudes. Just figured I ought to mention that.