Thursday, May 24, 2012
~~Her Chapter Three: Eternity~~
I stagger to my feet, forcing away the rough sweaty curls of my dark hair. Gasping for breath, I gaze around, my eyes dark, my heart begging, Please, Logan....Please be okay!
But I knew he wouldn't be. He was with Her now....Now that She haunted him Logan would never be the same again....He would live, but he would lose his life. She would never let him live it....Just the way She had never let me live mine.
I straighten suddenly, ignoring the burst of lightheadedness that floods through me. I was free. I was free....
I WAS FREE!
I burst from the trees, and back into the park. The families just look at me, not even bothering to speak. They were quieter now--they couldn't get up the strength to feel, to speak, to act after an encounter with Her.
And then I remembered.
I needed to find him!
I pulled out my cell, and eyed the screen. I had called every number, spoken to everyone I had in my contacts but one: Logan.
My heart in my throat, sitting onto a park bench and leaning back against it, I dial.
He picks up on the third ring.
"I knew you would call," Logan says, his voice so familiar but yet so strange, "I must speak with you, Jamie."
"Same to you, Logan." I reply, my words shorter than my breath.
"She's not with me," he says, and I can sense his trembling, "I don't know what to feel....Afraid, or relieved?"
I think for a moment, before sighing, "I don't know what to do....This hasn't happened before."
Logan doesn't reply.
In silence, him and I sit, distance yawning between us but still hearing the soft sighs of each other's breath.
And then, in a single instant, I decide: I break the silence with a single sentence, one I've always wanted to say, "I forgive you, my friend."
The silence returned, before I hear him sigh, and his tired voice reply, "I don't forgive myself."
He hangs up on me without another word.
I lean forward, and grasp my head in my hands, wishing I could reach into my mind and tear out every thought, every memory.
At least it would mean I was free.
I should have stayed with him! I forced myself to my feet, and screamed. I punched the wall, again and again. Where was She? Why was I missing her?
The neighbors call to me, startled by my cry. I don't reply--let them think I've been attacked! Let them think me insane--I might as well be both!
I fall to my knees, and think hard, forcing away the feelings, shoving away all emotion. I told Her I loved Her....The thought forces itself through my mind, obliterating all others in its path.
Did I mean it? Do I love Her still?
I raised my head, and the answer came to me in a tide of knowledge: I did.
I loved Her.
Even though I killed Her, even though I had shoved Her from the balcony, even though I had done so many things to Her, I loved Her nonetheless.
I drop my head into my hands.
And then I stand, and brush myself off, and go to the washroom, eyeing the blood staining the case of my cell phone.
I wash the blood away.
But I know that I can’t wash away the memories….There are some scars that don’t fade.
I know people speak about how time heals all wounds, but there are some things that never fade, that stay with you, locked inside, until the day you die. I know there are people that say that it will all fade, that you will be okay again, but to heal you need to get rid of those scars. Of those memories.
It has been so long since the night She died, and I still feel the scars. I still feel the guilt.
As I stand there at the sink, watching the red drift slowly down the drain, I whisper, ever so softly, like silk: “God, forgive me….”
I watch the boys play. I watch them suffer. I laugh as Jamie sprints from the park, looking for Logan. I smile as Logan washes his blood, and clean the wounds on his knuckles, not even wincing as the rubbing alcohol pours over his wounds.
Ah....Such sweet agony I could inflict!
Such sweet suffering....
And I wasn't even doing a thing!
I watch from the binds of Eternity, the Realm of the Left-Behinds. I watch them flinch and gaze around, sensing me everywhere, but not finding me.
I watch Logan especially.
His agony is somehow made all the sweeter by his love for me....And his love for me was great.
Greater than I ever could have wanted.
I let my eyes lose focus, drifting. Laughing. I wonder, when would it be a good idea to up the stakes? To add onto the game even further?
I knew the end game had to be coming soon, but….Why not toy with them?
Could I not bring in all the players, and then watch them dance and die?
Wouldn’t that be just marvelous, watching Nick, Stacy, and Ann all die and burn? Just like they had all watched ME die?
Then, with focused eyes, I spy the two boys find each other on the steps of a building, hugging each other tightly. I watch as Jamie unwraps Logan's bandages, and asks him about the wound. I watch as Logan looks away, and by some cruel trick of the gods looks straight at me.
I flinch back from the strange joy in his eyes.
They were happy.
THEY WERE HAPPY!
They were reunited. I was a fool to think they would not become friends again!
I could not let this happen.
I rise from the couch in Eternity, and walk into the gate and back into the world of the living.
If my Eternity was hell....
Than their short, short lives would be worse.