Saturday, October 6, 2012
~~I Was Innocent....: Life Post~~
Well, this is one hell of a beginning to a new year! Silence....Perfect silence, here on this beloved little blog.
I'm sorry, dears.
You probably expect this from me now, eh? I wish I could find a new writer for this place....
So you wouldn't be left alone.
But, no this blog is ME.
It's always been me....
I will hit 5,000 views, based solely on me.
I will do that somehow.
Well, why haven't I been posting lately? I've been reading manga and rage comics on my cellphone....a lot.....Yeah, yeah, I'm lazy. Just be glad I don't use Reddit, otherwise I would NEVER be here. At least these days I post occasionally...I just haven't had much inspiration lately.
I'm reading an incredible story called I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg. This story...Hit me hard. It's about a girl named Deborah, and it's her story of her battle against schizophrenia. She is sent to a mental hospital, and Dr. Fried struggles to win her trust. However, Deborah's illness is anything but normal--her inner world is powerful and strong, and her inner world Yr is more than determined to keep her within its seductive madness. The punishments, the pain, the horror and the fear she suffers.....
It terrifies me....
The beauty of her inner world, the power of the metaphors and the language they speak....
It made me think, and you know how bad thinking is. Her "illness," whatever it is, sounds so frighteningly close to my very own Figments.
My Figments....Are growing more powerful. I'm learning about them, and they frighten me. I'm frightened....I'm frightened, because I know that, if they choose to, they could do some damage to both me and my mind. They have the power to do so--but, a part of me.....A part of me knows they won't. Raphael especially would never harm me--he wants me to succeed. They owned my early childhood, the main people I knew and spoke with, but now they want me to grow. I hope they'll stay like this....
I've been fading, loves.
If I am a firefly, my light has not turned on in a while.
If I am a butterfly, my wings are growing too tired to fly.
If I am an Angel, my wings are losing their feathers.
I'm fading, and I do not know why.
I do not know if it can be stopped, either.
It seems that I'm slowly becoming...resigned.
Yes.....Resigned is a good word.
I don't have anything left to fight for.
I know I have you, but..God....I don't have the strength. Can I be allowed to fade?
In this time of school and love, can I even risk it?
I can't risk losing my head, but by the Gods I need to!
The moments and mini agonies that tear through me....Leave so many scars....So many scars....
And even though life is good it still hurts, still hurts and hurts and hurts....
My world shattered and....And I can't put it back together.
I was innocent, believe it or not. When I was younger, I mean. I didn't have many friends--probably because I didn't let myself. I was a bit of a brat. I changed, of course. I knew I was bullied, but the huge parties my family always threw for my brother and I more than bought me friends and kindness.
God, kiddies, I was a fool.
I made a lot of mistakes when I was a kid, and I learned early on that the best way to get attention is to be...hurt, and sad, and depressed. That got me what I wanted, so I lied and did whatever it took to make me feel less alone. I rarely felt much hope for myself--I wasn't what anyone would call beautiful, nor could I measure up to my family's expectations of me. I wasn't as smart as my brother. As athletic as my brother. I had no real special talents--my brother seemed to even outshine me in writing. He had a lot more friends than me. He still does...
But...I was okay.
I never really knew what friendship was--I just knew I wanted it. I had a handful of friends, none of them...what I needed. Of course, I had then Raphael and Kakana--my only two Figments at the time. Alakina hadn't even arrived yet. Raphael was set on trying to keep me innocent, but K was definitely pushing for me to become more corrupted. In the end, he won, and well...Now I'm finally here. Very little innocence left. Faith in humanity hurt. My journey far from complete, but so much done already.
How many of you know Broken Saints?
Quite a few, I hope....
The character Shandala...Reminds me a lot of me. She grew up in love and peace and happiness, and then the world came and destroyed her....She couldn't survive in the world so wrong.....And that....That's me. Ever since I woke up, I've been hurting and being hurt. I've found it hard to adjust, and even though I've adapted well, there are parts of me that won't ever heal. I got addicted to the things this world showed me, and I've never been able to be the same way again. I hate this so much, I want to run away so much, but....I can't. I'm staying here, but only because I'm praying so damn hard I won't be hurt again. Praying I won't be destroyed again. Praying I won't fall again.
I CAN'T FALL AGAIN!!!!!
I'll lose everything that's still me.
I've been on the edge of insanity for a while now, flirting with it and wondering how it would feel if I threw myself off the edge and just started howling. Cackling. Laughing.
It would feel good....
So very good....
I wouldn't need to hide it anymore--the damaged part of me that lurks just below the surface. The part of me I swear I don't have. The part of me that I let out in my nightmares....
The nightmares I always stifle with pillows to keep them secret.
Kiddies, you know me.
I'm strange and crazy and good.
I'm a nice person, because I try to be.
Will I ever be better?
I just don't know....
I love you so much, my loves.
Now to start writing....