~~So Take Me...But Go Slow....--Drifting Post~~

This post is inspired by Tonight by Seether and....It's about Ted and me.....I'm so hurt still kiddies, still so hurt....

And...And it seems I can barely cry.

I'm too damned strong to let go and burst into tears....I did cry a bit last night.....

But not enough.....Not enough to do everything Adam and I were justice.

I've always been cold.

My friends call it strength. I call it coldness. Numbness. Deadness.

I'm fucking numb kiddies.

When Dylan and I ended, I wanted to cut.

When Jae left me, I wanted to kill myself.

When Alexander turned out to be gay, I went out to the mountain in the middle of winter and HOWLED my grief, yelled accusations, wept and froze and screamed and screamed and screamed.....

When younger suicidal Adam ((who I haven't spoken to in months)) and I ended I just cried a bit because he had his reasons and I understood them. Of course it hurt but.....I lived right?

And I can't believe I've lived through all of this.

I can't believe how far I've come.

I've come too far...

Done too much...

I've done too much to be alive.

But...I'm still here.

And I'm not going to quit...

Because even though I'm cold....

Even though I'm broken....

I'm still me.

I'm still loved.

And, no matter how I scream...No matter how I cry....I AM worth loving. I'm worth holding tight.

I'm worth it....

So take me....

But go slow....

Because I'll run from you if I can....I'll end it if I can....

So take me...Please.....Don't let me leave you behind. Don't let me run into the night of my life. Don't let me escape your love and flee. Don't let me go.

I know I can't give you much.....

But I can give you me.

Ted....I love you. You're everything to me.......I love you so much.....

Please understand I can't leave you. I'm with you because it keeps me from being alone. Because it's a shot at a life I never would have had otherwise.

But I'm also with you because of who you are. You're smarter than you think, kind and caring and loving. You amaze me every day because you're not who I am. You're not jaded yet by this world. You're not hurt so bad yet. You're someone who helps and tries to help. You won't give up on people, even though its you who talks so much about murder and death. You give money to beggars when I just walk on by, too used to it to even care any more. You're philosophical and passionate--and even if its about things I know next to nothing about it still amazes me. You are so much stronger than me....You give me hope my love. You give me hope.

I love you, with every piece of damaged me.

And, if you accept me for who I am, what right have I to disagree?