So many things....
I wish Ian and I could be. I wish I could be with him. I wish I could drown myself in the most fascinating mind I've yet to come across. I wish I could hold him when he's crying. I wish I could fight with him. I wish I could be there. I wish...
I wish I wasn't just paying my dues to the Opheliac in me!
I wish I wasn't laughing in madness within while I fight to remain the beautiful girl you see me as, so kind and beautiful and gentle and good. I wish that instead of feeling less alone and happier when you're with me, you'd feel the darkness and the fear that I so often find myself in.
I'm not the one who should be loved!
I'm not the one who should be protected!
Because it's you who should be protected from me.
From the madness that floods my veins when I stop my breathing and still my heartbeat, let the Figments fly through me, and tear my sanity to shreds as I collapse into the blackness.
From everything I am.
I'm not real!
Do you hear me, my loves?
DO YOU HEAR ME?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
It's the Opheliac in me!
The hatefulness in me, the coldness, the viciousness, the greed....
Intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
What the world is really like
Don't think for a beat it makes it better
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right
She knows in society she either is
A devil or an angel with no in between
She speaks in the third person
So she can forget that she's me!" --Opheliac, by Emilie Autumn
I'm nothing but an Opheliac, hidden inside but every so often she slips free....
I slip free.
I wish I was sane!
I wish the world was better.
I wish I could choose who to love.
I wish I felt like I could love.