~~Constructive Self-Destruction: Life Post~~

So it's done.

Master Adam is gone.

And....

And now what?

I rejoice because my choice is made? Because the guilt is gone? Because now I'm on the right path? I smile and look for friends, find the hope and strength people tell me I'm flooded to the brim with, and move on with my life?

No.

I don't see the strength to let go of something that was damning me and the one I loved to a fate I couldn't allow as anything but weak.

I broke a heart in pursuit of my own interests. I damned someone I have loved for months to a living hell. I became the person I have been refusing to admit myself as for months. Adam....If I could turn back the clocks, I would make it so...I would have ended you and I sooner. I wouldn't have kept things going for as long as they did. Maybe instead of ending in fire and hate we would have ended in tears?

Instead of consigning each other to a fiery eternity, we would have wished each other good luck.

But...

I didn't. I wasn't strong enough then. I wasn't smart enough.

I'm sorry.

I should have done better for you. You deserved so much better than the goodbye I gave you. You also deserved someone better than me....

Someone...Less cold. Someone less damaged than me, and someone more willing to live on maybe's and hope than I was.

I'm sorry.

But....

It's useless to regret.

And I need to move on with my life....

I chose life and certainty of being held. I chose the warmth of a body and arms holding me, clutching me to them. Crushing me by their strength, but never enough to hurt me....Only enough to make me feel alive.

I chose someone who may not be as good today, but someone who will be so much more tomorrow. I chose someone I know I can one day marry. I chose someone who is older than me by a lot, but not old enough for society to damn us. I chose someone I can build a life with, someone who plans to follow me miles and miles all the way to university.

I chose Ted.

And....

And a lot of me feels like I should turn around, run back to last night, feel worse than I do.

Because I've already gotten better.

I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I think I am.

Today, I took the razor in my hand.

And held it to my wrist.

A second later, I was using it to shave my legs.

I'm getting better...At living.

And I ran for an hour today--the duration of Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension. I can barely move. I also did my usual workouts. Up to benchpressing eighty pounds. Nice to know I've gained strength, and I have definitely gained endurance.

I chose to destroy myself--my OLD self.

I shouldn't complain about a life I chose to live. The scars I bear....They're strength to me. I'm proud of them. I'm proud. I might be hurt, but I'm not planning on giving up hope.

I'm going to get even better.

I can't stop loving myself.

Not yet.

I love you, my friends.

I love you, my family.

I love me, too.

I have some songs for you.

Tonight by Seether for Ted and me.

Elephant Woman by Blond Redhead for the way Adam and me ended.

Possession by Evans Blue for how Adam and I had been. I was his possession....His never and always.

Who I Am by Smile Empty Soul for me.