So today I got profiled. I got my mind and behavior picked apart by another, and that person was my evil twin Alex Pratt. She told me a great deal of things about me--things I recognized as true. At the core of my person, I am terrified. Terrified to be what I am, and what I am is different. I know I’m not like anyone else, and while a part of me tries to glory in it, it also terrifies me because I know I will never belong. Terrified to trust, because I’m scared to just get over again. I try to avoid mirrors, because of how bad I feel about myself. I’m feeling better about myself these days, but that is only because I have Ted, who is someone who tells me I’m beautiful every day and treats me that way. Hell, even when I was a cam whore, I still had to fight to think of myself as desirable. Now….Now that I know I’m terrified of being judged a lot of things are slipping into place.
The fact is kiddies, I think I always knew this, at least partly. She was just the one that made these realizations possible. Made them more vocal. More apparent.
I dress fancy because I think it makes me more sophisticated. I have a love of long necklaces and deep necklines because how much better they make my breasts and cleavage look. I never wear socks because they make me feel confined. I rarely wear makeup because I’m scared to fit into the status quo, to be like everyone else, to be a possessor of a label.
I was bullied and told I was ugly my entire life, which led to me believing it. I was insulted and hurt and betrayed by many for my entire childhood, and as my family pretty much always treated me as an adult, I was expected to handle this on my own.
Right now, my shoulders are hunched forward, because I’m hiding myself. At my very core, I am both straining to be seen and noticed while dreading being seen and noticed. I try to be kind, to label myself as an angel, because then I can find a bit more of a sense of self.
I don’t know who I am, my loves.
But I’m going to keep right on trying to figure myself out, just as I have been doin my entire life.
I’m trying to avoid facing up to who I am, because I’m terrified to see who I am. I’m scared to look because I might not like what I see.
Bottom line of all of this is…I’m scared.
And so is everyone else.
Like it or not, this entire freaking world is filled with nothing but scared people. People trying to be someone they’re not, because they’re worried they won’t be accepted.
What are we as a species, loves?
Do we, as a whole, lie or tell the truth?
We all lie.