~~Angel Wants to Scream: A Rant~~

Alright there we go, mah blood is boiling.

I'm ready to rant.

And rant about what?

HOW MUCH I HATE THIS.

I want to scream. I want to let it all out, I want to shriek, howl, wail! I want this out of me. This curious hollowness, this centralized deprivation, this...this darkness within. The desire to harm, to cut, to wound. This darkened hatred and perverted love. This holiness of word and sentiment turned to lies.

I'm sick of not knowing.

When I was young, I spent the first ten years of my life lost in self exploration. Unconsciously seeking the truth...The truth of me. My emotions, my reactions, my world. I looked deep and hard but I found nothing. Nothing relevant to my search. I looked and looked, but then subconsciously I knew my search was done and so I began to lift myself out. Not entirely by my own choice, but because the search had now become detrimental to my survival--I was being bullied and I needed to no longer escape deeper into myself. Instead, I needed to leave my shelter and escape into this world.

And this world has offered me no escape.

For the past three years my lessons have been annihilated, destroyed, and I'm beginning to learn more and more about myself, realizing things I never knew. I long for a guide, for someone to force me to rely on my own intellect, a debate with someone who truly cares about the pursuit of knowledge for everyone.

I long for someone who can take my pathetic fumblings and cries for pride and turn them into something true. Can someone deliver me from the chains that hold me? Can someone please teach me what I need to know?

But I know that for now my search will be solo.

And kiddies......I want to scream.

I want the truth to come to me.

I want to escape this.

I want time to heal, to recuperate after things done to me.

I want time to think, to reflect upon the revelations that come to me.

I want time to feel, to live, to breathe....I want time.

But time is the one thing I cannot be given. Time is the one thing I cannot get.

And right now, all I am doing is intellectualizing my issues.

I'm reading about Freud.

" Intellectualisation: Intellectualisation is the act of trying to distance yourself from the emotion of an event or thought by trying to coldly analyse it. Here you are dealing with a situation without dealing with the emotions – thinking it through without ever engaging in it. You might then think through all of the aspects of a situation and a good solution, without getting upset or angry "

That's true about what I seem to be doing--analysing my life stage and analysing my past in order to comprehend the things that fluctuate and flex within my soul. I seem to be refusing to accept the emotions, because for now I know I will not be able to get out the emotions just yet.

I am on the road to healing, and currently I have cried. Now I need to scream.

I let out the grief, and now it's time to release the anger and the deep-set need for revenge, for the knowledge that the world knows what it has done to me. If I can make the world bear witness, than the world suffers with me.

If I can make a bulwark of my misery and show it to the world in sweet agonizing release, than perhaps I will heal more.

I need the time though, and I know it is not the time to ask for time. Exams are coming up, Ian is manic depressive, there's a shit load of things to do.....

But for now.

All I can do is survive and use every spare moment I am given to heal.

And I need every spare moment I can rest my hands on.

This is why I'm blogging, telling my story.

This, for me, is a silent means to scream.

Thank you for bearing patient witness world....