~~Someone. Anyone. Forgive Me.--Prayer Post~~

My loves, this act I've been keeping up for the past few months must be kept up. My farce of life must be maintained. It. Must. Be. Maintained.

Even if my life becomes a tawdry thing, a repetition of reruns and old shows, talking to the same people about the same blessedly simple things.

I must go on living.

I must live.

But....

If the news from Raphael on his explorations through the ancient records we came across in the Mansion is true, then...I'm in for one hell of a long life.

I'm going to live upon this planet countless times until the very day it ends.

And I will be unable to stop the world from ending.

And, if the briefest flashes we got of that distant time are true, this cursed soul of mine will be one of the many who can prevent the end of all things, and one of the ones who chooses to let it end.

Of course that might just be my ego talking, saying I'm going to be important and all, but...I prefer to believe Raphael speaks true enough.

And....

With every one of my many lives, I will become stronger. I will become better. In my thirteenth life, I will be called a saint. I will be an icon for many. I will save people's lives.

But....

And there's a HUGE but....

With every life, my self hatred will grow.

I will become stronger and better because inside my duality of love for everyone and hatred for self will increase.

And I'll start losing myself more and more....Luckily my mask will be more perfected.

There's another good side to this....

Ted's following me through my life.

Through ALL of my lifetimes.

I...I feel sorry for him as, in every lifetime, he will be the one keeping me level and strong. With every lifetime that passes, I will get harder and harder to look after.....

But he will love me no matter what until the very end of days....

I don't deserve that love....

You know....

My entire life....I've hated myself. I have never been good enough. I've always been too weak, too helpless, too young, too foolish to stand. To try and be alive.

I'm...not going to be able to carry on this farce one day.

But by the Gods that won't be the day I fall.

I'm going to stand on my fucking deathbed, so broken and shattered but far too bull-headed and foolish to quit. I'm going to be there, about to die, and THAT is when I'm going to rip off my disguise and let them glimpse the abyss within me.

And I'm shrieking now for someone to forgive me for the crimes I'm guilty of. For all the times I said "I love you," and didn't mean it. For all the people I've hurt. For everyone I've abandoned. Please forgive me...

Forgive me.