~~Accused Confession: Realization Post~~

Master Adam accused me of something.

Something that is all too true.

He accused me of loving no one.

Of being too numb to love.

And he might be right....

I might be very, very numb.

I don't feel like I would die for anyone any more.

I find it very hard to love after everything.

After everything I've been through.

After Dylan....

Emily....

Alexander....

And then...Adam. My fourteen year old amazing Adam I was so proud of....

Who broke up with me.

On the phone.

On our one week anniversary.

Ow.

Yeah...Major ow.

I'm not okay, I wish I could say I was but....But I'm not.

I haven't been okay in forever.

I'm breaking inside, dying inside.

And of course I keep up the mask!

Of course I hide it oh-so-well....

But...I don't know if I feel a thing at all.

I think I'm just plain dead inside, you know?

But, please just forget I'm weak.

I am able to love, but sometimes....

Hell...A lot of the times....

What Master Adam accused me of becomes true.

He accused me of using love as a way to get people to keep me from feeling numb.

Trading my body and my words for an escape from numbness.

Dammit, maybe he is right....

But NO....

I won't let him be right.

I miss him so.....

I miss him so much....

I love you, kiddies....

So much....