~~444: Life Post~~

So here we are now, my loves....

My amazing, obedient readers....

You've been with me through thick and thin.

And God....

It's been one hell of a long road.

I've got no regrets if you don't....

And honestly kiddies....

I don't know how much longer you will continue to wander this road with me.

But, whether or not we continue it together, you know you'll always be on my mind.

And that we'll find a way to make it through together....Just maybe not on here....

Of course, this isn't the actual post....I figured I owed someone very special a bit more of a tribute on here. <3

Ted, I love you...

So much.

Every moment I'm with you, I'm happy.

Every moment I'm without you, I need to numb myself or it'll hurt too much.

Don't you ever dare think that you're not enough for me.

Because you're more than enough.....

<3

My amazing, psychotic, adorable gamer boyfriend.....<3

~~So If You Hit On Me....--Life Post~~

Lol, someone just hit on me on chatango.

And dear god...

I actually gave him a piece of my mind, and ended up blocking him when he sent me a picture of his cock. First reaction to that: Ooooof course. Second: Ew. Third: Not half bad size. Fourth: I'm just gonna block him.

I blocked him like three seconds after he sent me that picture.

I think fast. O.O

Anywho loves...

I've changed a lot.

I'm no longer who I used to be....

I'm not innocent certainly--it's been replaced with bitterness.

Bitterness that won't fade.

But I don't think I want it to.

I don't think I want to go back to that girl I was before--I was so much weaker then, so unknowing of my own strength....

Everything was different then, and if I let go of the bitterness....

I don't think I could survive now.

Survive in this harsh world I've carved out for myself....

So, my loves...

If you ever hit on me....

Don't forget this: I won't be afraid to get pissed off.

I won't say yes.

I'll tell you to get out.

I'll block you.

Walk away.

I'm NEVER going to be who I used to be....

~~I'm Trying~~

I try, but it seems

Like the truth evades my words

Like I can't maintain the rhythm

Without leaving the rhyme

I try to escape from the fallacies

Of society but they

Just cling to me so hard

Until they capture me

I try to write but my words

Won't flow until they're wrong

The real words don't fall to the page

And I need to scramble for fake ones

I try but the pain

Doesn't seem to go away

I try and get up and walk

But I always stumble

I try so hard

But a lot of times I fail

But it always does seem

That I'll make it one day....

~~Everything Fades~~

Nothing is the same

Once something leaves

It doesn't return

Nothing is as fleeting as fame

Old friends meet once more

After times spent far away

But things are different now

And they stare at the floor

We long for moments to stay

For better times to always remain

But nothing seems to stick

Everything changes every day

No matter how we try

To regain the connection

Things just won't return

And it's best to let it die

I know the memories hurt

But just turn away

Let go of all the pain

And try to find something to blurt

A scrambled, polite goodbye

A quick exit

A wilful abandonment of memories

And the hope of letting it die....

NOTE: I just received a message from Adonis, who hurt me so much...We used to be so close but now we can't find anything to say....

I'm just gonna log off now, without bothering to reply....

I just need to let it die....

~~Judge Me if You Must~~

I know I suffer

But never in silence

I know I hurt

But never not by choice

Do you honestly think

I won't make it through?

Do you honestly believe

I won't make it far?

I know I have scars

And I know my past is bad

I know I've made mistakes

But I know we all do

Don't judge me on my past

Judge me on where I am

Don't judge me on the foolish choices

Judge me on the future

Don't say I'm worthless

Simply because I made mistakes

Don't say I'm a slut

Because I used to be a cam whore

Don't judge me without knowing me

Don't consider me to be easy to understand

Don't forget I'm human

Don't forget I'm young

I'm amazing

But hurt

I'm strong

But weak

I'm wise

But foolish

I'm mature

But young

I tell the truth

But I lie

I regret

But I also forget

I write

But I also talk

I'm smart

But I'm also a fool

I'm beautiful

But I'm ugly

I'm a cheater

But I'm loyal

My past is my past

And my future is my future

Judge me on both

If you must judge at all

But never forget where I am now

The winding path behind me

And ahead of me

Never forget to know me.

~~I Can't Seem to Write: Life Post and Scattered Thoughts~~

Ach!

I am so not sure what I'm doing.

I can't seem to focus on anything right now.....

But I really and truly do want to write a ramble, a rant. Some of my good stuff. Better than these rather meaningless life posts that I'm actually almost ashamed to crank out so often.

But what is there to write?

I'm no philosophy student here, my dearest loves.

I ain't taking that class, nor can I make it into the social justice and environmental justice clubs at school. My schedule didn't work out that way.

So what forms of inspirations do I have, other than what I manage to read?

I recently finished reading Dean Koontz' novel "The Voice of the Night," and I have a lot of things to say about it.

Without revealing ANY plot, I'll give you the basis of my thoughts on this.

Basically, this amazingly suspenseful novel leads to this: The good and the bad is in all of us, and all of us make mistakes. We can learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes if society allows it, but if society forces the blame onto us we will accept it and we will BECOME what they say. All of us are changed by society....All of us are caused to become what society thinks, no matter what.

The world is harsh and cold, to all of us.

Society will break us.

Family will break us.

Everything will break us.

We will be forced into the pigeon holes of the world, crammed into moulds that just don't fit, and the only way for us to fit them is for the parts inside of us to be broken.

And, once we're broken, we never get all of our pieces back.

We remain broken within, knowing nothing but the brokenness and the pain masquerading as whole and happy. Everyone is victims of this.

Everyone is a victim.

Society destroys everyone, in one way or another.

Damn, mankind....I hate mankind....

Mankind....

When you boil down everything, let go of every major belief, thought, and selfish cause, the meaning behind everything and the driving force of this world is the continuation of whatever species we belong to.

It's birth.

We as a species were evolved from animals, and we are no better than animals.

Do you honestly think that other species don't communicate?

That, even though even though we do not understand their language, they do not have one?

Everything communicates with itself, with the surrounding world, and with others of its kind.

Whether or not that communication is understood fully is irrelevant. It is still communication. Still a message sent.

So who's to say animals are really anything different from us?

Just on a different level.

More basic, but in other ways, a lot smarter.

I think a lot about animals....

I like animals.

Ted is very, very good with animals.....He also loves them a lot. Honestly, whenever I see him with his dog Cosmo, I think: "A boy and his dog. This guy is definitely someone I can raise kids with."

And now I'm talking about Ted.

Oh yay an Iced Capp!

You know, I love coffee....

I need coffee.

I know it occasionally gives me caffeine crashes so I try not to drink it too much, but...It still is delicious and soothing.

I'm trying to find some new music....

Something to put my mind to ease, and I think this song helps me out quite a bit....

Colorful Mind by Broken Iris

It fits my mind, and my creations.

I fight to write because it seems like everything slips from me, loses meaning. I write quickly because otherwise the thought's gone, and it's not ever coming back....

I need to write, otherwise I....I won't know who I am.

Ian told me I gave him his favourite quote, from ~~To Love is to Hurt: Life Post~~ on Sept. 9th. I'll copy it here: "I'm gonna live. Live as much as I can. Love as much as I can. No regrets. A million scars. I'll be fine, cuz that's all I'll ever be."

Now that I read it again....It is true.....And it is good.

It says: I've suffered, I've hurt, and I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've paid for those mistakes, and the pain won't ever fade. I've learned, though, and I'm not going to stop living just because of the pain. I'm still going to try and live my life, love everyone I can, and I'll be okay because I'm too damned strong to break.

I'm too damned strong to break....

I don't know what I regret.

I regret...I regret a few things, but it's useless so I forget them....

And besides, if I hadn't done those things I regret now, I wouldn't be me.

And....I love who I am....

God, it's hard to say that right now....

I don't know why, but....I still wish....Some parts of my past were different.

It hurts....Being me.

Remembering the things that happened.

Regretting the things that I've done.

And it hurts even more to love the wrong things that, even though they were good, hurt me in the end.

So much of this world causes me pain...

I wonder if I'll one day regret this blog, making my life so very public.

There are a massive amount of things here I should be ashamed of.

A lot of deeds done and pains suffered that I should be ashamed to admit.

My past is dark, and my future is likely just as filled with pain and painful truths and confessions.

And there are secrets here that I don't entirely want the people I know in real life to find out without me telling them first....

But...

I also don't want to leave this place now that I'm here.

My cam whore life.....

It was a short time, you know.

Only a few months....

And.....And it's done with.

I bear scars, and issues with my self esteem, as well as shame.....

I don't like admitting entirely the things I've gone through and done.

But it's over with now, and every scar I bear is a part of me, who I am....

I wouldn't be me without my past.

I wouldn't be me without my scars.

I'd be....Normal.

~~Dear Beloved Amazing Readers--Message Post~~

Hai.

How is chu, oh people of the world? People who stumble here and stay, or who simply click on this through utterly random google searches and random links scattered across the interwebz--you are my readers. You are my friends. You are my lovers. You are my family.

Thank you.

Thank you for taking your time to read about moi, a girl that most of you have never spoken to, have only seen a few pictures of, and have never met.

Thank you for putting up with my rather odd writing.

My nearly-constant whining.

My worries.

My fears.

My truths.

My lies.

Thank you, for sticking around for so long...

And, as the days tick past towards the first year anniversary, I need to plan a treat for you....

Something I don't commonly ever consider doing.

How about.....

A video.....

Of me singing?

Or maybe just a video saying thanks to you, to all of you? I don't know if I'll actually speak in it, but....I might.

Dearest lovers, stick with me through hell and high water.

We'll be okay one day, all of us will.

Just remember that we are all strong, that we won't break, and that there is light somewhere in this world. I don't know what brought you here, nor why you keep coming back.

But...I'm glad you do.

I'm glad you love me.

Dearest readers....

I love you.

Always.

Yours Truly,

Angel.