~~This Time It's Different by Evans Blue~~

Language Barriers?

Friday, June 15, 2012

~~Help Me: Life Post~~

I need help.

I'm addicted and it truly is obvious now.

I'm still addicted to being a cam whore, to being who I was, who....Who I still am.

And maybe who I always will be.

I thought I was over it, but....But I'm not. I'm still drowning alone and there's no one who can help me.

I try to hide it but the pain....

The pain of realizing I'm nothing more than an addict is very apparent in my eyes.

Hell, today I had a snow cone and a poutine and I'm still depressed.....

There are a ton of reasons why and I....I don't have the heart to say.

I haven't cammed yet but there are a lot of guys asking and....And I'm trying to say no but I want to, oh God....Oh God I still want to! I still want to....
 
Here....I'll tell you why I'm this way...

  1. I got hit on a lot, and always by older guys
  2. Simon and I got into another fight
  3. Adam attempted suicide again
  4. Adam's boyfriend Matt is beating him (throwing him across rooms and into walls etc.)
  5. I want to cam so badly
  6. The fact that I'm addicted is terrifying me....
  7. A snow cone failed to cheer me up.
  8. I'm sitting alone under the stairs, trying not to cry right now
  9. I made some really cool new friends though--all of which aren't interested in me sexually
  10. Ted and I won't see each other today, or this weekend

Oh kiddies.....

I need help.

I need help.

Please!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

~~Near Sinful Adoration~~

I'm your pet
Your tiny little girl
Who snuggles up against you
The cutest girl you ever met

I'm your slave
Who worships you
Does whatever you ask
And is grateful for everything you gave

I'm your girlfriend
So sweet and kind
I will be anything
From now until the end

I will be here
For you to use
Because I love you
Without fear.

~~So, Now What?--A Rant~~


Alright. So today in class I was treated to The Lorax again. You know, the Dr. Suess thinger about protecting the environment, progress, and the sustainability of resources. Along with what happens when the effects of our progress end up causing too much harm.

The world is going to end kiddies, unless….

Unless things change.

Unless someone changes things.

And the time is now, you accursed fools. We’ve run out of time to think about things, and progress is progressing too fast.

I know we’re trying but one day, and one day soon, we’re going to realize what we’ve done. We’re going to realize how far we’ve gone in the wrong direction. This isn’t right. Kiddies, someone change things. Someone with power.

And there are also so many other things wrong. In Turkey, abortion is swiftly becoming illegal. In the Ukraine and elsewhere, countries are following in the footsteps of St. Petersburg, Russia, and making it illegal to be openly gay. Even gay penguins are being separated from their mates during mating season. Yes. Penguins. And in a lot of places, animals are becoming more willing to speak out than man. Just google Lucy the Political Goat. You’ll see what I mean.

Kiddies, this is one blogger that is sick of this world, that can’t understand why she’s here in such a horrible place, and one who is going to fight to change it. I’m weak in comparison to many, and my influence is minimal, but I can try. And in this world, even trying to change things is getting rarer and rarer.

And this is a world that has gotten small….So very small. Where haven’t we gone? What haven’t we discovered? What mysteries are left?

Almost none. And we need the mysteries. Someone change things! Someone, anyone, HELP US. We’re too small in this world, and we’ve lost the ability to go on growing much more.

Someone find a way to bring back the size and the naturalness.

I miss it, even though I never saw it.

Please.

~~HER Chapter Six--Infinity~~


--Jamie's POV--

So now I was alone. Nowhere to stay, no one to love, no one to be with me. I was alone.

So what was I going to do now?

The answer comes easily: Deal with it.

I was going to go through hell.

Why?

She wanted me to.

Could I fight Her?

No.

There was nothing I could do.

Nothing I could do but survive.

And that was something I was planning on doing....

I stand up from the side of the road, pushing myself up from the concrete where I had been sitting. I had to survive. That was all I could do.

Brushing back my hair and groaning, I think to myself, Well, at least She's not here....That's one bright spot, I guess.....

I realize a second later that that was perhaps the stupidest thought to ever reach my mind....

Because of course, a second later I sense Her near me.

I sense Her hand on my shoulder.

I hear Her laugh.

"Hello, Jamie...." She whispers in my ear. "Long time no haunt...."

I trembled--but in fear or relief I did not know.

She was back with me, tormenting me, torturing me.

Was this a good thing or a bad thing...?

Why is it that I missed this...?

Why is it that I missed Her?

I guess I just did.....

I missed this torture.

This sweet, so well-deserved torture.

I drift, let Her near me, let Her whisper in my ear.

I deserved this.....

Even though I do not know a single thing that happened that night, I deserved this.....

This torture.

This torment.


--Logan's POV--

So She was gone. Did I even have to wonder where?

Jamie.

I wished him luck....

At least I was alone now!

I forced away the thought. She was with Jamie--who knew what She was doing to him? And I wasn't there!
I wasn't strong enough....If I went to him, who knew what kind of new hell She would inflict on us both?

But at least neither of us would be suffering it alone....

I forced away THAT thought, as well. He was gone, he was with Her--why did I care? My turn would
come again. It wasn't like anything he was suffering I had not yet suffered. And, if it was new, She was sure
to be inflicting it on me later. I was Her lover, not him!

Wait....Did I just call myself Her lover?

I fall to my knees, unsure as to scream in fear or frustration. Why did I love Her? Why did I miss Her? Why did I need Her?

And who in hell had killed Her, anyways?

I sighed. Would I ever know?

I was sure that Ann remembered seeing Her fall, seeing me get hurt....I didn't even remember that much! All I remembered was me waking up in the hospital, my stomach stitched closed, my mom and dad sitting beside me, looking worried.

I bolted to my feet.

Mom and Dad!

I hadn't called them since....Since that day.

Did they even know I was alive?

Were....Were they alive?

I called Mom, hoping she answered.

She never picked up.

I leave her a quick message, and dial Dad's number, but hang up when I hear a voice saying, This number
that you have dialed is no longer in service....

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

Were they alive?

I looked online, using my laptop and searching their names. They were alive....

I close it, sighing.

So She hadn't gotten to them.

Maybe She hadn't thought of it...?

I force that thought away.

I just hoped that She never thought of killing my parents....

Would She be that cold?

That cruel?

The answer comes to me in a whisper, "Yes...."

She knew.

She could hear my thoughts....

Well, that was nice to know.

I guess.


--Her's POV--

Could I kill them? To make him suffer?

They were innocents! What had they done to earn their deaths?

They had given birth to him....And they would pay for it.

~~HER Chapter Five--Remembrance~~


--Ann's POV--

had I even got pulled into this? Ten minutes of hell....Ten minutes I stayed with Logan before I ran!

And She didn't follow. How did I even think She would?

It wasn't like I was the one She was haunting. I'd only gone over there to see if Logan was okay, because

Jamie had asked me to.

And now that I was back at my apartment, he was nowhere to be found.

But the kids were, so at least it meant that She hadn't come. I doubted She would have left the children alive.

Danny runs over, and hugs me, saying, "Hi, mommy! Uncle Jamie left!"

Lila walks over to me, tamer than her brother, slower and quieter, "Where did he go, mommy?"

I hug my two little darlings, and say softly, "I don't know, little angels. Wherever he is, he'll come back soon."

Or, at least, I hoped he did. I dialed his cell, but he never picked up.

I give up, and don't call Logan. I didn't want to think of him with Stacy--how could he be so blind as to not
see how I felt about him?

Because I loved him.

I loved him with everything I was.

How long has it been since I kissed him? Since I held him? Since he shared my bed?

The answer came to me easily: The last time was the night She died.

What had even happened that night?

I didn't remember....I remembered feeling afraid, jealous, drunk....Drugged?

It wouldn't have surprised me.

So much had gone wrong that night....Logan and Jamie fighting, Logan pulling me into the closet, Jamie ripping him out of there, slapping him, and telling him to go find Her because She knew.

And then, when he went to find Her, Jamie had followed him up.

But which one of them had pushed Her? I remembered hearing shouted arguments, screams, swears.

But I hadn't seen anything but the sight of Her falling down, down, down to land on the pavement, Her legs spread wide, Her arms spread like wings.

I just stood there, inside, watching as Logan and Jamie burst out, tearing past me to reach Her.
I see them whirl on each other, and fight, grabbing broken pieces of the balcony railing and slashing at each other. I see Jamie stab Logan in the stomach, shoving him away before Jamie falls to his knees beside her, weeping.

Which one of them had killed Her?

Did it even matter?

I just dialed nine one one.

When they came, Jamie was gone, She was stone cold, and Logan was all but dead.

I still hadn't taken a single step.

I try to force away the memories of that night, but they refuse to leave me.

Will they ever let me go?


--Jamie's POV--

I couldn't risk staying with Ann. I just couldn't.

I couldn't risk Her hurting the kids.

So where am I gonna stay now?

I look all around my contacts list, but I don't find a single name.

No one I knew I would risk their safety in return for mine.

So where to go...?

Nowhere.


--Logan's POV--

Ann was out.

It was just me, trapped with Her.

How could I have ever expected her to stay? Ann and I had been lovers once....And for a few brief
moments we were lovers again, but now she was gone! I was out of her heart--she was the best thing that
had ever happened to me. And she was gone....

"But I won't ever leave you....." She whispers, brushing up against me. "And aren't I the best thing...? Or, at least...that's what you told me."

"And I meant it," I assure Her, trembling, "But why won't you leave me...?"

She laughs, touching my shoulder gently, "You know why...."

"But I don't remember what happened that night...." I tell Her, looking away.

She whispers, "That doesn't matter...."

It really doesn't. Who cares what happened? She was still haunting me, Jamie was still off in the middle of
nowhere, Ann was gone....

Nothing matters anymore. But I couldn’t help but wonder why I couldn’t remember….

~~Her: Chapter Four--Control~~


--Jamie's POV--

I hug Logan tightly. I had missed him so much! And now we were friends again....I looked closely at his wound, and I knew how many times he must have punched a wall to inflict that much damage. And I knew that if I came to his apartment I would find broken furniture, dented walls. I knew him well--even now, I
could easily see that he had not changed, remained the same man I had once known.

And now we were united against Her....

Which would not make Her happy.

Logan and I realize this at the same instant, and pull back, afraid.

She would not be happy.

And now that we were together? She could haunt us both at the same time....

Logan looks into my eyes, and rests a hand on my shoulder. "It isn't a good idea to remain near each other, is it?"

I shake my head, and tell him a swift goodbye before we sprint away from each other, racing away, praying
She wasn't going to be following the other, and hoping She wasn't following us.

I did not want Her going after Logan, but I didn't want Her going after me, either.


--Jamie's POV, Ten Minutes Later--

I reach my apartment building to find it burning.

I wrench out my cell, and call Logan. He tells me that the same thing has happened to him--She had gotten to our homes before we did.

We hang up after terse goodbyes, our minds too filled with worries about ourselves to worry about each other.

I search through my contacts, knowing most of my friends I haven't seen in years--not since the day She
died--but yet we'd still kept in touch, stayed updated on each other's lives--I'd just refused to see them.

And now I needed them.

But who to call?

Pat--last time we'd spoken, he was in Jamaica. That was six months ago.

Stacy--we'd never been close. She got too happy for me to be around anymore.

Ann--maybe I could stay with her?

I browsed all of the others, but she was the only name that jumped out at me.

So I dialed.

She picks up, and she sounds surprised to hear from me, "Oh, hi, Jamie! It's been a while--what's up? There a particular reason you're calling your one and only sister for the first time in two weeks?"

I started carefully, speaking slowly, knowing her answer already, "I kinda need some place to stay...."

Ann bursts out laughing. "Of course! That's why you called me....To ask for help!"

"So...can I stay with you?" I ask carefully, hoping.

She takes a second to reply, before speaking slowly, "Why not? I'm busy, but as long as you can take care of yourself and the kids when I'm at work you can come over right now."

Which is when I broach the touchiest subject: "Where do you live, exactly?"

She goes silent, before giving me her address. I hail a taxi, and I go, leaving behind my burning apartment
and everything I owned.

I didn't care anymore.


--Logan's POV--

That bitch! How dare She burn my apartment?

I stare up at the burning building, clenching my teeth. Everything....Everything I owned! My whole life was gone--all because of Her!

I glanced down at my cell, and looked through my contacts. Who could I stay with?

Pat--he was such a jerk! Why was he even in my contacts list?

Stacy--hm....Perhaps her and I could go back to being what we were...?

I browse through the rest of my contacts list, before deciding to pay that cheery girl a visit....


--Ann's POV--

I can't believe he called me! Me, of all people!

I was his sister, but there were so many others he could have stayed with!

I hug Jamie the instant I see him, unsurprised at his lack of bags. I show him to the guest room, trying not to smile too much or act too awkwardly. I didn't know what to say to him--how long has it been since I knew
how to act around him face to face?

And then I remembered.

I knew when: I couldn't be the same around him since I saw him with Her blood on his hands.

He had killed Her....

And yet no one ever said it was him or Logan, never blamed them.

But we all knew.

We just never spoke.

Jamie looks at me, frowning a bit, "You okay, sis?"

"I'm fine, bro." I say, forcing on a grin, "Why wouldn't I be?"


--Logan's POV--

I end up in bed with Stacy in less than two minutes. But a gentleman never tells....

Suffice to say I woke up at noon the next day.

I look over at her, and she was still asleep. I smiled, and toyed with her blond hair before it started boring me. I got up, and looked around, eyeing her apartment. Nothing had changed since the last time I was here--brightly painted walls, cheery-colored furniture, soft covers, plushies.

The sight of the fluffy things makes me think of something: Why was I even sleeping with her?

I turn around, and look at her.

And remember.

She was my freedom. Too happy to let me dwell, too normal to let me be weird. Stacy was just...happy.

And I can't believe how happy she made me, just by being with me.

I lie back down beside her, and hug her gently. She curls against my chest.....How could I be any less happy?

But then I smell Her.

And I sense Her.

She was in Stacy's apartment....

She had followed me!

I couldn't stay. I couldn't risk getting Stacy hurt!

I never even make it a single step before She was resting a hand on my shoulder, and whispering into my ear,

"Hello again, lover...."

I shiver at her touch.

"Get away from me...." I whisper, begging.

She laughs, "Never....."

Which is when Stacy wakes, and calls, "I'm hungry! Where's food!"

"I'll go make it!" I call back, walking through Her on my way to the kitchen, refusing to shiver.

I make Stacy and I eggs, toast, bacon, and pancakes, carrying it all back to her bedroom. We munch happily, and I thank god that she doesn't see the look of fear in my eyes.

When we're done eating, I clear away the mess and clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes, while Stacy showers and gets ready for work.

When we're alone, She approaches me.

"You do not love her....." She whispers in my ear.

"So what if I don't?" I reply, turning to look at the empty space where She was.

She laughs, and says, "Because you're going to break her heart, like you did mine."

"Don't you want me to suffer?"

"Of course I do....I was just enjoying watching you think of replies."

I glare at Her.

She laughs.

Which was precisely when someone pounds on the door, and I open it to reveal none other than Ann, looking at me, her eyes wide. "She's here, isn't She?"

I nod, and ask, "How did you know?"

"Jamie told me about Her a long time ago, how She was haunting him. And because She wasn't with him, we guessed She was with you."

"And you were right...." She whispers, and you can tell from the look on Ann's face that she hears.

Ann swallows, "Long time no see." Ann says, looking all around, trying to pinpoint where Her voice was coming from.

She laughs, before saying, a bit louder, "Wish I could say the same....You may not have seen me, but I have seen you."

Ann flinches.

I take her hand in mine, gently, and pull her into the apartment, closing it behind her. "Ann...I'm sorry. But you're in this now. No point in telling you to go--you'd only have to face Her on your own later."

We stand there, as She laughs and drifts around us, whispering in our ears.

Nothing would ever change....

Why?

Because She controlled us. We could not move without Her seeing, could not speak without Her hearing, and we could not live without Her.

Or, at least, I couldn't.

Ann obviously could, but yet she was with us now, and unless she did the impossible and escaped she was with us until the end.

~~Realizations Half Recognized: Thoughts Post~~


So today I got profiled. I got my mind and behavior picked apart by another, and that person was my evil twin Alex Pratt. She told me a great deal of things about me--things I recognized as true. At the core of my person, I am terrified. Terrified to be what I am, and what I am is different. I know I’m not like anyone else, and while a part of me tries to glory in it, it also terrifies me because I know I will never belong. Terrified to trust, because I’m scared to just get over again. I try to avoid mirrors, because of how bad I feel about myself. I’m feeling better about myself these days, but that is only because I have Ted, who is someone who tells me I’m beautiful every day and treats me that way. Hell, even when I was a cam whore, I still had to fight to think of myself as desirable. Now….Now that I know I’m terrified of being judged a lot of things are slipping into place.

The fact is kiddies, I think I always knew this, at least partly. She was just the one that made these realizations possible. Made them more vocal. More apparent.

I dress fancy because I think it makes me more sophisticated. I have a love of long necklaces and deep necklines because how much better they make my breasts and cleavage look. I never wear socks because they make me feel confined. I rarely wear makeup because I’m scared to fit into the status quo, to be like everyone else, to be a possessor of a label.

I was bullied and told I was ugly my entire life, which led to me believing it. I was insulted and hurt and betrayed by many for my entire childhood, and as my family pretty much always treated me as an adult, I was expected to handle this on my own.

Right now, my shoulders are hunched forward, because I’m hiding myself. At my very core, I am both straining to be seen and noticed while dreading being seen and noticed. I try to be kind, to label myself as an angel, because then I can find a bit more of a sense of self.

I don’t know who I am, my loves.

But I’m going to keep right on trying to figure myself out, just as I have been doin my entire life.

I’m trying to avoid facing up to who I am, because I’m terrified to see who I am. I’m scared to look because I might not like what I see.

Bottom line of all of this is…I’m scared.

And so is everyone else.

Like it or not, this entire freaking world is filled with nothing but scared people. People trying to be someone they’re not, because they’re worried they won’t be accepted.

What are we as a species, loves?

Do we, as a whole, lie or tell the truth?

Answer’s obvious.

We lie.

We all lie.

And just because we lie doesn't mean we're bad....Perhaps we're just being careful about what aspects of ourselves we're showing, instead of lying.

I don't know though, my loves.

I just don't know.

This is Angel skipping out to study world....

PEACE!