~~EVERYONE OUT THERE FUCKING HELP: URGENT NOTICE~~

DUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen up everyone.

Remember St. Petersburg, Russia and the law they passed about how it's basically illegal to be anything but straight? And how it's spreading through the world, and people are being killed?

It's fucking here.

It's here....

My friend Adam who lives in Nova Scotia is being beaten every time he leaves his house. He's fourteen years old.....And they might kill him. He's bisexual and....I'm bisexual...

Please someone, anyone, LISTEN TO ME! Contact authorities, do SOMETHING! ANYONE OUT THERE!!!

Don't let this happen....

Don't let this happen!!!!

~~Pain: A Rambling~~

Pain, without love
   Pain, I can't get enough
      Pain, I like it rough
         'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

--Pain, Three Days Grace

I'm addicted. For me to feel alive, I've gotta feel pain. I love to be held down and forced. I need the pain if I am to get any pleasure.

I need to be hurt.

I'm sick of feeling numb.

And this world isn't one I can understand.

I don't even need to be loved if there's something making me scream, making me cry out. Making me hate myself.

Making me hate myself....

Anger and agony....

Those are better than this thrice accursed numbness and boredom that dogs my steps. I want out of this rut I'm in, and if pain...If pain breaks me out of it....Then hell fucking yes I'm taking it.

I'm not the only one who needs it. I've met Dominants and submissives, and before you ask, I'm a submissive. I could never be a Dominatrix. I need the loss of power and the loss of control, the sense of powerlessness and hopelessness and fear. I don't crave control. I'm happy enough to surrender it.

All in all, it comes down to pain, pleasure, and power.

And the final word is the one that runs the world.

Who has the power is the one who is pleased. And the one who does not is the one hurt.

I need to be hurt.

I need to be punished.

My loves, this....This is something you didn't know about me. But it's one hundred percent true.

I can't get enough pain.

Au revior.

~~What to Say?--Life Post~~

I'm doing alright. Got back from Toronto with my boyfriend, Andrew B, my mom, and my dearest brother--who is now sick. Hopefully it's just a one day thing though, and he seems to be better. He stopped throwing up sometime late last night.

God, Toronto was amazing. Swimming, shopping, the Leviathan, and best of all....Not home and no outside contact. So I spent my time with friends and people I cared about, but now I'm glad to just be home.

God my loves.....I'm almost abandoning you it seems. It's not easy for me to write these days--so very busy. I really hope that this isn't signalling the end of Crooked Musings--especially with these Russians reading my blog so very much! I love you guys!!!!!

Anywho, right now I'm...coasting. I just started playing Minecraft, so if you guys have it.....ADD ME AND HELP! I'm pretty much doomed. Not good at surviving yet.

So guys, I really ought to go.

I love you.

Always.

~~No Humans--A Ramble~~

I'm beginning to wonder how much of what I am is real.

I'm wondering if I'm nothing more than a mask upon someone else--crazy, isn't it? *Laughs harshly, trying not to show the fear in my eyes.*

I'm wondering if I'm shattering....

If I'm losing my mind.

Oh, f**k all this....

Did I ever have my mind?

I'm drifting and as I drift I'm plucked from the rivers of consciousness by caring hands, or sometimes cruel and indifferent ones--friends, family....Neighbours....Grocery store clerk....People at school....

And then I'm put back down again.

Lazily I float, and pluck amusements like grapes--erotica stories, texting, television, movies, games. Enjoyments.

Little human contact.

Because there are no humans to be found.

~~Love of Beauty and Love of Body--Life Post~~

I don't feel beautiful.

I feel fat and undesirable. I feel like no one could ever love me, much less want me.

But wait.....

Erm.....

I'm a former cam whore. I used to be every guy's fantasy.

But, yet....

I don't feel beautiful.

What's wrong with me?

Is it because I'm female?

I guess that has to be a part of it, but the other part is how long I was bullied....

I've been told I was ugly my entire life.

So....

I don't believe it now when I'm told it.

Lately, though....

I've been getting better.

Loving my body more and more.

Hopefully, one day, I'll feel beautiful....

And ah yes, me is sorry my loves, but it looks like I'll be gone for a long time.

I'll be on a trip with Ted, Andrew ((family friend)), my bro, and my mom to visit my nana.

So if you don't mind, I'll need to get some sleep, because tomorrow it's off to buy some new clothes, get my hair dyed, get a new swim suit, and then maybe finally back to Ted's arms....

God I miss him!

I'll see you later, my loves.

Be well and safe!

~~Words to Destroy--A Ramble~~

Burning weight, the crush of words that needs to be said. The fast pounding of fingers on the keys--no no thoughts not yet...Not yet! No stopping now, fast motions and unbelievable images....Transfix me, transfix them, transfix....

Annihilate....

Draw in....

Pull apart....

Kill and be killed, all because of the black ink on a white sheet.

A taint on a bed of innocence.

The weight fades and I can once again breathe....

I open my eyes and stare in blank wonder at the words, harsh and cruel but flooded with power, that now stand there. I think, Was that me?


Some demon within me laughs and murmurs, Yes, and no, Little One....


I need to breathe....

But there's no air--the hot air is suffocating me, driving me deeper into my personal pit of madness and lust, pleasure and pain.....

Agonies....

Such ecstasy!

I whimper and weep, moan and cry out, pleading for it to stop, for more....

Someone save me!

I'm about to fall, the words are drowning me, dragging me into their midnight ink depths....

I open my mouth, and breathe in the dark shadows, and feel it flood me....

I gag and choke, my world goes red, red against the black....

Before it fades, a white sheet of paper.

Pure.

~~Love Eternal: A Vampire Story Told in Free Verse~~

I waken, frightened

Reach for the covers

To cover the shine

Of my milky skin

I hear a murmured

Laugh

My eyes shoot

To the corner

Of my room

And let

The covers

Lie there

"Hello again....

"Do you remember me?"

I stare in wonderment

And whisper

"Master...?"

He smiles

Laughs slowly

And approaches

The moonlight

Shimmers

Upon his skin

He presses

One long

Slim finger

To his lips

"You don't need

"To call me Master

"Little one...."

I shiver at the sound

His familiar voice

Bringing the memories

Of many years ago

Back to me

The gasps

The whimpers

The blood loss

And then the shattering end

The fleeing

In order to escape

The villagers

And my husband

So many years ago

I blush, and look

Into the deep red eyes

And he smiles

Ever so softly

And says

"Come with me."

And I go