~~An Ode to Lost Love: Life Post~~

I'm over it.

I'm over being a cam whore.

I'm over Alexander.

I'm over Dylan.

Over Emily.

Over Adam.

Over Master.

Over everyone else.

Right now, this is where I am and who I am, and there can never be anyone else for me. I know who I am, and who I am is someone amazing. Someone perfect. Someone worth loving. And someone who is loved and who will always be loved.

I've come far, come fast. Ran a thousand miles, only to realize I was going the wrong way. I've screamed and wept, placed judgements upon myself and others, but now I am winning the fight. Now I am on the way to healing.

I was broken for so long that I would often wonder if I would ever love again, but now I know I will. I have a massive heart, and even though it has been stolen from me again and again, and broken and betrayed so many times, I know I will always love again. I can't not love. I can't not care. I can't not let myself fall hard, fall fast, fall hard and strong.

I was always meant to love.

I was always meant to care.

It took me a long time but now I have figured out why I've been suffering for so long--it's because its only making me stronger.

I'm getting stronger and stronger and stronger.

In all my years, I have never hit a challenge I could not master, could not beat. But all too many times I would run from the fight, back down instead of fight back, and now I know I was wrong. I do not deserve to be hurt any more. I do not deserve to be controlled.

So now I will fight and be whoever in hell I want to be.

Because I'm over being an Angel.

I'm me, and that's all I ever will be.

And right now, as I listen to my former loves' songs, all I can think about is Ted. All I know is my love for him. All I feel is how much I need him.

And right now I know I'll get better. I know I'm getting better.

I shouldn't have been hurt for so long, I never deserved to.

But I had to be hurt, so I could realize how strong I am.

How perfect I am.

Thank you Ian.

Thank you Ted.

Thank you Mckie, Amber, Fatum, Sun-Jung, Saira, Amanda...Thank you.

You've saved me.

But only because, this time around, I realized I could save myself.

I just needed the extra push to realize it.

~~List of Life: Why I'm Living Post~~

• The smiles that come to my face whenever I talk about Ted
• The feeling of pride that comes when I see someone I helped begin to heal
• The feeling of being needed
• The feeling of being loved
• The sound of the birds when I wake up
• The warm embrace of my boyfriend when we watch movies
• The entertaining tackles of my online brother Ian
• This blog is also a major reason
• Fatum and her awe-inspiring search for truth
• Sun-Jung and her almost deafness
• Sun-Jung's laughter
• Fatum's wisdom
• Waking up to a hot mocha in the morning
• Phineas and Ferb
• Mushi-Shi and the amazingness that is it
• Sebastian and his hotness
• My friends and their insanity
• The promise of healing one day
• Raphael and his help
• The Darkness that Comes Before and all the thoughts it provokes
• The memories of my past
• The need to know there's a reason
• The fight for truth and hope
• The need to be with my friends
• The beauty of this world
• The psychotic (and amusing) depravity of the human race
• Irony
• Music
• The fact that I'm going to be way fucking amazing when I grow up
• Evans Blue
• The Horror of Our Love by Ludo
• Ted's smile.

~~Angel Wants to Scream: A Rant~~

Alright there we go, mah blood is boiling.

I'm ready to rant.

And rant about what?

HOW MUCH I HATE THIS.

I want to scream. I want to let it all out, I want to shriek, howl, wail! I want this out of me. This curious hollowness, this centralized deprivation, this...this darkness within. The desire to harm, to cut, to wound. This darkened hatred and perverted love. This holiness of word and sentiment turned to lies.

I'm sick of not knowing.

When I was young, I spent the first ten years of my life lost in self exploration. Unconsciously seeking the truth...The truth of me. My emotions, my reactions, my world. I looked deep and hard but I found nothing. Nothing relevant to my search. I looked and looked, but then subconsciously I knew my search was done and so I began to lift myself out. Not entirely by my own choice, but because the search had now become detrimental to my survival--I was being bullied and I needed to no longer escape deeper into myself. Instead, I needed to leave my shelter and escape into this world.

And this world has offered me no escape.

For the past three years my lessons have been annihilated, destroyed, and I'm beginning to learn more and more about myself, realizing things I never knew. I long for a guide, for someone to force me to rely on my own intellect, a debate with someone who truly cares about the pursuit of knowledge for everyone.

I long for someone who can take my pathetic fumblings and cries for pride and turn them into something true. Can someone deliver me from the chains that hold me? Can someone please teach me what I need to know?

But I know that for now my search will be solo.

And kiddies......I want to scream.

I want the truth to come to me.

I want to escape this.

I want time to heal, to recuperate after things done to me.

I want time to think, to reflect upon the revelations that come to me.

I want time to feel, to live, to breathe....I want time.

But time is the one thing I cannot be given. Time is the one thing I cannot get.

And right now, all I am doing is intellectualizing my issues.

I'm reading about Freud.

" Intellectualisation: Intellectualisation is the act of trying to distance yourself from the emotion of an event or thought by trying to coldly analyse it. Here you are dealing with a situation without dealing with the emotions – thinking it through without ever engaging in it. You might then think through all of the aspects of a situation and a good solution, without getting upset or angry "

That's true about what I seem to be doing--analysing my life stage and analysing my past in order to comprehend the things that fluctuate and flex within my soul. I seem to be refusing to accept the emotions, because for now I know I will not be able to get out the emotions just yet.

I am on the road to healing, and currently I have cried. Now I need to scream.

I let out the grief, and now it's time to release the anger and the deep-set need for revenge, for the knowledge that the world knows what it has done to me. If I can make the world bear witness, than the world suffers with me.

If I can make a bulwark of my misery and show it to the world in sweet agonizing release, than perhaps I will heal more.

I need the time though, and I know it is not the time to ask for time. Exams are coming up, Ian is manic depressive, there's a shit load of things to do.....

But for now.

All I can do is survive and use every spare moment I am given to heal.

And I need every spare moment I can rest my hands on.

This is why I'm blogging, telling my story.

This, for me, is a silent means to scream.

Thank you for bearing patient witness world....

~~Beg Me~~

Beautiful and terrifying

Dark black eyes peering

Forever into my soul

Digging deeper the graven hole

Standing tall and screaming

Falling down and weeping

Telling me you love me

Thriving in agony

Thriving in agony

That's the truth of humanity

We live at best

When we're at our worst

You look up at me

So small and skinny

Dark and so young

Won't this be done?

But I guess the game is just beginning

The dreamers are awakening

It's time for the truth to be revealed

Along with the scars we had concealed

But still you beg me

Still you plead with me

Ask me to love you

But I don't even know you

All I know is the mask you wear

Within you, what is there?

What is it that you hide?

Is it tears, freshly dried...?

~~Your Conscience is a Feint--Thoughts Post~~

God...

Who am I?

I just don't know....

The more I think, the more I feel, the more confused I become. The more I try to understand the more the simple facts stare me in the face--the simple facts I can't bring myself to accept as truth, as reality. The things I refuse to say are true. The things I lie about, refuse to accept, swear to God are lies and misconceptions.

But I know myself too well for them to be misconceptions, and I'm way past lying to myself.

You see, I realized quite a few things about myself.

They can all be summed up in one glorious sentence: I'm nothing but a lie.

My entire life, my Angel name....

Everything is fake.

I'm not who I say I am.

I'm not that good.

I refuse to look past my faults to see the beauty, simply because the faults more than outweigh the things good about me.

I'm not beautiful.

I'm not me.

When I left my online world, I didn't cry.

When I abandoned so many people, there was only a faint ache, a bare memory. Not even a scar.

And....And I wonder why I speak so much, show my wounds.

Bare my arms and reveal my scars.

I guess it's cuz I need to--on here, people know about me, but they can't change a thing about me. They can't even reply to this, to tell me how they feel about me. They just can't.

So that's the glory of a blog I guess--telling everything and being told nothing.

A complete mind dunk tank.

Inside of me there's my diamond wall, still as strong as it was the day I built it, and I don't know who, if any, have slipped past it.

But god....

I don't even know if what I write here is true.

Do I care about people?

Am I really an Angel, who I claim to be?

Will I ever know?

Someone told me I didn't love Ted. Well, at least not as much as he loved me. That I was leading him on and just using him, and I should let him go.

But she doesn't know me.

She doesn't know all of my past.

She doesn't know about him and me.

She doesn't know....

She can't know.

She was a relatively new friend of mine, someone I had sought help from. All she managed to do was scare the shit out of me and annoy the fuck out of me. Can we do a victory dance? ~_~'

I'm scared kiddies.

I've always been scared.

And I always will be.

The question will always be this: What am I scared of?

Could I be scared of......me?

I love you.

Forever kiddies forever.

Now wish me luck in this cruel cold cell we call home.....

Be well and safe darlings.

~~The Promise of a Lifetime: Life Post~~

So I've made my promise.

I love you, Ted.

I love you. I give to you the promise of a lifetime, the promise of forever. As long as we can make it.

I need to be brave.

I need to be brave.

Because letting him go isn't something I can do. I can't get him out of my mind....

Forever, Ted, forever and ever.

I need to be brave though--I can't understand how I could be here again, promising forever. Promising life. Didn't I do this before?

And didn't Alexander and I fail miserably?

But I...I know this will be different.

It HAS to be different!

Ted might not be the one forever but for now...He's all I want.

He is all I need.

Ted I love you. More than I can ever say.

I need you.

Don't let me go.....

Please never let me go.

Now, I have some songs for Ted.. =w=

By Your Side--Tenth Avenue
Promise of Forever--Kutless
The Horror of Our Love--Ludo
Anthem of the Angels--Breaking Benjamin
Lithium--Nirvana

And oh yes--Ted, when ya read this, you can post on this as well if chu want x3

Me wuvverz yew hun!

~~Let's Face It--Life Post~~

I can't avoid the truth any more. I can't avoid admitting it. Damn the consequences--I need to write it here.

I was a cam whore for a few weeks. I cammed with almost anyone who asked, and my Master was the one to teach me a lot of things. I would use a Sharpie on myself, along with other things, and I would show myself entirely to the eyes of others, seeking to please them. I am done with that now, but a lot of me is still afraid to admit it. Thanks to Ian and Ted, along with others, I am done being a cam whore. It was a long time ago, and I think I'm done hiding that truth.

I have been dead inside for a long time now. I no longer know what I am feeling--there is a sense of emptiness inside me, and not much more beyond that. I know that it could be something to do with teen angst but....But I think my problems go deeper. After going through as much as I have, it is possible that I have been rendered almost entirely unable to feel.

I have dated countless guys, but there were only a few I really cared about: Master, Adam, Emily, Alexander, and Dylan. And now Ted. And in between them there was drama and pain and fakeness and lies, a loss of self, of respect, and of hope. I was turning into a victim and now...guess what? I'm a submissive with Ted. He is the full-on Dominant in our relationship. Is anyone else not surprised by this?

And I'm still afraid I'm not healed.

Well, how could I be healed?

In the past year, I don't think I have gone a full month without being in a relationship. I don't think I had even three days between most relationships--fuck, some of them were going on simultaneously. That's how bad it was. I was hot, naughty, kind, sweet, good, supportive, kinky, submissive, and loving--catnip for everyone out there. And young--so older guys liked me quite a bit.

I cannot even begin to describe how much pain I am in.

And how am I supposed to get over people while I'm also attempting to return the feelings of someone I'm with? I have never had the time. Never had the chance. Always I've been required to be the Angel, to step up and go above, go beyond myself to save another. Always I've tried. ALWAYS. And now, when I need someone most, who is there for me?

Who is there for me but me?

Let's face it, I need time for myself. I need to heal, find myself again, and...and face up to everything that's happened. I'm making progress in accepting it all, but...accepting is only one step down the path to recovery. I don't know what the rest of the steps are....

I'm scared to leave Ted. I'm scared to hurt him and I'm scared to hurt myself.

I don't know what to do, but all I know is that I need to heal.

And healing takes time.

Can he heal me, or do I need to heal myself?

I just don't know anymore kiddies--I truly don't.

For now, let's see where this crazy life takes me, m'kay?

Au revior.