~~A Song for the End: Life and Thoughts Post~~

I'm trying to find a song that would be my legacy....

My goodbye to this world, played at my funeral.

My requiem.

What song would fit this young yet so very hurt blogger, as she goes to die?

As she fades away?

I have a few ideas for you....

What Will I Remember by Emilie Autumn

Goodnight Sweet Ladies by Emilie Autumn

Goodnight Demon Slayer by Voltaire

Story of a Girl by Nine Days

Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue

Beautiful Girl by Broken Iris

Best I Can by Art of Dying

So far, these are the only ones that have come to mind....Don't know why I'm really thinking about this so much, but I'm oddly very morose tonight.

I love you all, though.

~~Angel

~~Damaged People: Life Post~~

Who among us is not damaged?

Go on, stand up, if you have not wept.

Raise your hand if you haven't died inside.

Step up to bat and take a swing for the truth if you have never felt alone or abandoned.

No one?

Just as expected.

You see, loves, all of us are damaged in some way. Some are better at hiding it, or "get over it." Basically, they learn to live with it like you get used to a scar or a limp. It never goes away, the numbness never fades, but one day you deal with it. You can deal. It gets better.

I promise you that.

You see, I've been there....All of it. All the pain, all the shame, all the moments we suffer. All the hell and all the hurt.

We are all damaged.

I can say with certainty that all of us have been hurt in some way.....

You know, it's so strange that now that Adam is gone from my life for good, I no longer have a site to run to....Someone who tackles me whenever I'm online, who listens and opens up his entire world to me.....I no longer have Adam.....

Do I miss him?

Do I truly miss him, I wonder?

Do I miss all the loneliness when he wasn't there?

All the wishing he was here, and all the hidden guilt?

All the running away?

Do I miss him?

I do....

I miss him so very much.

I think about him every day, more than once some days....I never blocked him on Chatango, you know.....And he hasn't been online in two days....

I'm worried......

I'm worried he hurt himself....

God, I hate this.

I would kill to know if he's okay...

Make a fake profile, talk to him, be his friend....

I don't know!

I am just worried......

Sometimes I wish I never met Ted.

And sometimes I wish I never met Adam.

He did inadvertently cause me to be a cam whore.....No, he really didn't. My ex Trevor did that. Adam just pushed it further.

Sometimes, I don't regret my past. I know it made me who I am today, so I shouldn't regret it. But most of the time, I regret it. I hate what it did to me. I hate the numbness and all the agony it caused. All the self esteem and loyalty issues. Every damned thing it led to.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

But I WILL NEVER hate what Adam and I were.....

I don't know why I'm talking about him tonight my loves.....Doesn't make much sense why I'm bringing up old wounds right now.

I guess it's because of this song, though.

I stumbled on it randomly, but....It's exactly what I wish I had shown him when we met.

When I told him not to love me, the very first time we cybered, the first night we met.

One freezing night in January, five am.

I won't forget him....

I won't forget who he was to me and who I wish I could be to him.....

Adam, if you ever read this, you are the one damaged person I wish I could be truly drawn to and able to save.

I love you, Master.

I always will.

Damaged people are everywhere, my loves. I'm definitely one of them, and I also suck at hiding it.

But....

I can tell you honestly I am doing better now.

I am loved because I deserve to be loved. Everything I did was the past, and I should move on. I should let it go.

I always think of the end, though. Of the eventual future.....

How many lives would be different if I never existed?

Would your lives change at all, if you never read this?

I wonder if Fatum's life would change, if she never told me her story that day before March Break last year, beneath the stairs.

I wonder if Sun-Jung's life would change, if we never went to that dance together in the rain.

I wonder if anyone's life would change, if I never was born, and never died.....

What would matter about my absence?

I don't think I would need to ask...

I know Ted wouldn't be..as happy. He wouldn't be so confident. He wouldn't have ever gone to college.

Ian? I don't....Know if he'd be alive right now.....If his precious Angel never existed.

Would my family miss me? I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think they would....

I'd like to think I was loved and needed, even if I never existed.

I know it's egotistical, but I like knowing I'd be missed.....

I also am thinking about something else....

What will I remember if tomorrow I don't wake up?

What will I forget?

Will anyone care?

Will my life come flashing before my eyes, or will it just be a blessed darkness and an absence of everything, final rest?

I wonder.....What will I see, at the end of the tunnel?

Here's to you readers, for listening to me ramble and weep and worry for so long....

Here's to you.

~~I Don't Need You~~

I don't need you

To bring me down

I don't want you

To stick around

The further we go

Is the less you seem to know

Get the hell away from me

You don't cause anything but agony

I never needed you

Why do you think I do?

I tell you to go away

You come back the next day

Just go before I make you pay!

Go before I make you pay....

~~NaNoToons and Debs & Errol Love: HI YOU PEOPLE Post~~

Hello, you guys! Alexandra here, wondering if you guys ever have clicked over here.
 
Errol, Debs, EVERYONE: You guys rule. How the heck do you guys make a comic every day? And a musical? And STILL WRITE? It's....Impossible. I can't even post every day, even with the magical ability to email posts to my blog.
 
I think the NaNoMusical should be put on DVD. I would buy it! I'd sponsor it if I wasn't, well, broke. I can't get over how good these comics are. They make my science, careers, and history classes a lot less boring. Imma keep working on reading the West of Bathurst comics.
 
How do you guys make these comics, anyways? Can they be done on laptop or do I need to not be on my itty bitty netbook computer?
 
I'd really love to know.
 
Well, this seems to be all I have time for now, so I'll just link you guys so my own blog readers can now go and read about you all xD Hope none of you mind!
 
http://www.masseycollege.ca/alumni/westofbathurst/westofbathurst060724.html First West of Bathurst Comic
 
http://nanotoons.net/ NaNoToons!
 
http://debsanderrol.com/ Debs & Errol official website and daily comic.
 
Have fun reading, kiddies!
 
Oh, this blog is filled with poetry and stories and the musings of a psychotic fifteen year old girl. If you wanna read about me, then my entire life is only a few clicks away. x3

~~Listen to Me~~

Let go of the part of you

That screams out to die

Let go of the darkness in you

That never stops its cry

Let go of the part inside

That you keep shut up tight

Let go of what you hide

And only let out at night

Let go of the tears

All the ones that aren't real

Let go of your irrational fears

And let yourself truly feel

Love is worth believing in

Let go of the thought that it's not

Let it in, let it in

Your chances for life aren't shot

Let go of the broken feeling

The thought that you don't matter

Let go of it, and start your healing

The world won't always shatter

Let go of it all, and live once more

I know it's hard, but it's worth it I swear

Shove away all your doubts and lock the door

Someone will one day be there

You won't always be alone

Let go of that loneliness too

This dark life isn't the only one, you know

Someone is there, waiting in the light, for you

Trust someone who's been there

Who broke and cried every night

Believe someone who thought no one could care

Until she saw that she was their light

Listen to the words of an angel

Who's flown so much

And spent so long in hell

Savouring the fire's touch

Believe the broken girl who was fine all along

The one who hid her real strength because she never knew it

Believe someone who is really, truly strong

And made it through all of it

All the heartbreaks and the pain

The ending of the world, again and again

Believe you me, the day will come when

You can truly feel again

The numbness will fade

And be replaced by hope

May you find your way out of the shade

And find a good way to cope

Believe me, my friends

Everyone I know, and everyone who reads this

This life will go on for a long time yet before it ends

Now quit reading, and feel the sunlight's touch

It's time for you to heal

And be happy and be brave

You'll get back life's zeal

And be rewarded for everything you gave.

I promise.

~~What Means Anything~~

The longer time I spend

Thinking about whether or not

I can feel

Is the longer I spend numb

I should just accept

I'm not as hurt

As I say I am

I'm not ever breaking

I'm just hitting a rough patch

I should have admitted this long before

My friends have pointed it out

And said to me

How I am better off than them

I seem to have it all

Amazing friends and people

Who care so much about me

A writing skill

That's admirable

And I'm also gifted

With beauty

I never see

I'm not the one they think I am

I'm not the amazing

Beautiful angel

Who never fails

To make them smile

Even in her worst days

But am I the horrific person

I believe myself to be?

Am I really bad?

Am I really hurt?

Or am I just

Saying this

So I can get attention?

So I can be remembered….

But I won't be forgotten

My name and story

Are scattered everywhere

Across the interwebz

It's impossible for me to be ignored

I am living

In the midst of glory

Known and cared about

By so many

This is not the kind of life

I ever pictured myself leading

So I guess that's why

It's so hard for me

To accept the beauty

Inside of me

When I was raised

Bullied and hurt

And taught that I didn't matter

Now that I mean something….

How do I know what means

Anything…?

~~PIC HAVE A PIC!~~