This is my fifteenth Valentine's Day kiddies....And well it's another one single. Well fine with me. I'm more less happeh here, kiddies. Not alone but not attached either. Just the way I want it to be.
Today was alright, not much happened. Not much ever happens. Well, as long as life is good and everything's going well, I guess I'll stick round but I'm hoping that next year I'll find a guy.....I don't wanna be single for another Valentine's.
Night folks.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Even If Saving You Sends Me To Heaven.....--Life Post
Hello again my loves. It's me again, and I just wanted to drop by, and talk for a while. It's been a long time since I've had a good long monologue on here so it's definitely time for one. xD Jeez, I'm using smileys on here! Spent way too long on chatango....
Anywho, time to tell you everything that's been going on with me lately. I got my report cards back and I was all high eighty averages in every class, so I did rather well. Overall socially I've been good, never have to struggle to find a seat in the caf--that is when I'm willing to sit with my friends who aren't all that well liked. And I am because these guys are fun to be with, and I prefer their company to the 'popular' kids.
My life has been good lately, loved by so very many. I have Dan who will protect me until the very end, and Sammich who will guide me through heaven and hell. My friends would likely die for me, and I can safely say that if I suicide I will cause a great amount of collateral damages across the globe.
The post title is from the song Your Guardian Angel. It`s one that I think my friend Amanda sent me a long time ago and I've been listening to it every time I needed to remember that I'm not alone in the world and that there are so many people looking out for me. They will be here for me, as much as they can be. But only if I let them be there.
Will I let them be there? I will.......
I've got so many things going on and I just realized I have eleven days left.....
Eleven days left until Stephanie suicides.
On her fifteenth birthday.
What kind of a birthday is that? She told me it's been planned for months and that there's nothing I can do to stop her......But I think there is...
If....If I can convince her I love her and fall for her heart and soul I just might be able to save her. But that will take forsaking everything else, and I can't do that......I wish I could save her but I am not strong enough and I can't ask someone else to save her, I won't do this to them......
She is another Emily.....I cannot take being with another Black Rose, another person who I love so much but can never save, no matter how much I try....
I will be fine. Even if she does kill herself, I will heal one day, because I always do. I just blame myself for it, and rather rightly so. I had led her on for months, hoping I could love her and let her in, but never being strong enough to do so. And then I started getting mad at her constantly, never able to calm down. If I had managed to calm down enough and stop being so selfish chances are I would have been able to save her, but that would have killed me.....
So did I make the right choice by opting to remain distanced emotionally? Or should I have fallen for her and forsaken myself in the fight to keep her alive?
I'll tell you my answer when I read her obituary.
Anywho, time to tell you everything that's been going on with me lately. I got my report cards back and I was all high eighty averages in every class, so I did rather well. Overall socially I've been good, never have to struggle to find a seat in the caf--that is when I'm willing to sit with my friends who aren't all that well liked. And I am because these guys are fun to be with, and I prefer their company to the 'popular' kids.
My life has been good lately, loved by so very many. I have Dan who will protect me until the very end, and Sammich who will guide me through heaven and hell. My friends would likely die for me, and I can safely say that if I suicide I will cause a great amount of collateral damages across the globe.
The post title is from the song Your Guardian Angel. It`s one that I think my friend Amanda sent me a long time ago and I've been listening to it every time I needed to remember that I'm not alone in the world and that there are so many people looking out for me. They will be here for me, as much as they can be. But only if I let them be there.
Will I let them be there? I will.......
I've got so many things going on and I just realized I have eleven days left.....
Eleven days left until Stephanie suicides.
On her fifteenth birthday.
What kind of a birthday is that? She told me it's been planned for months and that there's nothing I can do to stop her......But I think there is...
If....If I can convince her I love her and fall for her heart and soul I just might be able to save her. But that will take forsaking everything else, and I can't do that......I wish I could save her but I am not strong enough and I can't ask someone else to save her, I won't do this to them......
She is another Emily.....I cannot take being with another Black Rose, another person who I love so much but can never save, no matter how much I try....
I will be fine. Even if she does kill herself, I will heal one day, because I always do. I just blame myself for it, and rather rightly so. I had led her on for months, hoping I could love her and let her in, but never being strong enough to do so. And then I started getting mad at her constantly, never able to calm down. If I had managed to calm down enough and stop being so selfish chances are I would have been able to save her, but that would have killed me.....
So did I make the right choice by opting to remain distanced emotionally? Or should I have fallen for her and forsaken myself in the fight to keep her alive?
I'll tell you my answer when I read her obituary.
Please Tell Us You'll Stay?
We know you've been hurt
We know you're lying
We see the cuts you hide under your shirt
We know you've been crying
Won't you just hold us tight?
Angel you're amazing
Please let this not be the night
That your light is fading
We will never let you fall
You're our angel, our beautiful star
We'll break down your diamond wall
Fight by your side in this unending war
Just please tell us you'll stay
Don't turn away, don't close your heart
Even if saving you takes forever and a day
We'll find a way to give you a new start
We're here until the end
Just don't go away
You will always be our best friend
For forever and a day......
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Questions and Answers--Life Post Number Two
Q. Who do you love, now that Adam and you are over?
A. I guess I still love him.....I can't get over him and I don't know when I ever will....We haven't really gotten a major chance to speak in days and I wish we had.
Q. Any major worries about school?
A. Hm no. I think that all of my classes will be relatively easy, and I should do rather well in them. This semester I have geography, science, french, and drama, and drama is obviously not very majorly into homework. So I should be fine. I like my teachers and my fellow classmates and I'm smart, so this semester should be a good one.
Q. Your biggest worry?
A. That I'll lose myself entirely, lose control of my life and have it spiral. I'm trying to maintain control over myself and my impulses, but as time goes by I'm losing it bit by bit. Perhaps I like seeing what kind of things happen when I stop fighting to control it, or maybe I'm just discovering more and more of my knack for causing trouble--either way I'm quite the eventful kid.
Q. What's your biggest online danger?
A.That I will be followed by my past. I will halt my behavior once I tire of it, and halt it entirely. Hurt quite a few people but I will become smarter and the friends that I keep will survive it.
Q. Who loves you these days?
A. A new Adam for one thing, Adam 2.0. And then there are of course all the users who lie and say they love me, but it's impossible to tell if they do or not. And let's not forget Dan, my perverted fourteen year old friend, who loves both me and his girlfriend Mikenna and is planning to try and come up here this summer.
Q. Do you belong to anyone?
A. At this point in time? No no I do not and I would love to remain free for a long time. Of course, there are those who believe they own me, when I do not in fact belong to anyone of them.
Q. Who is the strangest person you know online?
A. Oh jeez this one's a toughie....I have my Goth weirdos, my assorted depressed people, a pedophile that for some reason or another thinks I'm a pedophile myself so always talks to me, my Sergalion German brother Domenic who loves Vocaloid, and a massive amount of others. I have quite the life, so I can't really pick just one strange person.....
Q. Are you still thinking you'll post on here?
A. I'll try to post. I'll post every time I'm in the mood and/or have the time. I love you guys and this blog has been massive in my life and I would hate to leave it, but I'm just running out of heart for this.
A. I guess I still love him.....I can't get over him and I don't know when I ever will....We haven't really gotten a major chance to speak in days and I wish we had.
Q. Any major worries about school?
A. Hm no. I think that all of my classes will be relatively easy, and I should do rather well in them. This semester I have geography, science, french, and drama, and drama is obviously not very majorly into homework. So I should be fine. I like my teachers and my fellow classmates and I'm smart, so this semester should be a good one.
Q. Your biggest worry?
A. That I'll lose myself entirely, lose control of my life and have it spiral. I'm trying to maintain control over myself and my impulses, but as time goes by I'm losing it bit by bit. Perhaps I like seeing what kind of things happen when I stop fighting to control it, or maybe I'm just discovering more and more of my knack for causing trouble--either way I'm quite the eventful kid.
Q. What's your biggest online danger?
A.That I will be followed by my past. I will halt my behavior once I tire of it, and halt it entirely. Hurt quite a few people but I will become smarter and the friends that I keep will survive it.
Q. Who loves you these days?
A. A new Adam for one thing, Adam 2.0. And then there are of course all the users who lie and say they love me, but it's impossible to tell if they do or not. And let's not forget Dan, my perverted fourteen year old friend, who loves both me and his girlfriend Mikenna and is planning to try and come up here this summer.
Q. Do you belong to anyone?
A. At this point in time? No no I do not and I would love to remain free for a long time. Of course, there are those who believe they own me, when I do not in fact belong to anyone of them.
Q. Who is the strangest person you know online?
A. Oh jeez this one's a toughie....I have my Goth weirdos, my assorted depressed people, a pedophile that for some reason or another thinks I'm a pedophile myself so always talks to me, my Sergalion German brother Domenic who loves Vocaloid, and a massive amount of others. I have quite the life, so I can't really pick just one strange person.....
Q. Are you still thinking you'll post on here?
A. I'll try to post. I'll post every time I'm in the mood and/or have the time. I love you guys and this blog has been massive in my life and I would hate to leave it, but I'm just running out of heart for this.
When You're Free
Hey kid wanna be wild?
Why not? No regrets and no memories
No stones left unturned
Be owned or run away
Your freedom is the best thing
Just lose yourself and forget
Everything you used to regret
Go on, go ahead
Go ahead and break some hearts
Go on, go ahead
Go ahead and break yourself
Go on, go ahead
Go ahead and be free
It's not like it matters
It's not like you care
So burn in hell
Or bore to death in heaven
Make your choice
As long as you're making it with me
I'll show you the games
Teach you the rules
How to break them
And the better a player you are
The more I'll play you
You know you can't escape
So don't
Even try
But hey
As long as you're free
Come on and play
But make sure it's with me.
Futures--Life Post
I'm looking to tomorrow. I don't know what's coming, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what I should be ready for, and I do not know where I'm going to end up. I just know that I can handle it.
Romantically, I've been busy as always, untied and untangled. I love and I am loved, but I don't belong to anyone. And I doubt I will for a long time. I have declared myself to be permanently single online, which means I get hit on a lot, especially more so now because I've gotten to be pretty freaking cute and adorable. Well alright then. xD I can handle any trouble I get into, and hey it's pretty funny sometimes....
Friendwise, I've been just as busy, finding amazing people every day or two. Socially at school I'm doing decently, spending time with my gang and chatting with a few acquaintances. So overall I'm good.
I love you kiddies, and I wish I could see myself continuing this blog but Normal Ain't Normal has been untouched for a week or so now and there's not much I can say on here anymore.....
I'm being watched too closely, so I don't want to tell everything that's going on. I guess I can't apologize for that and nor can I explain, but I will be fine. It's just that every move I make online is being monitored by some people I know so I do not really want to tell everything.
Oh yes......I'm working a lot on improving my writing skills.....I'm working on a new project that should be several hundred pages when done. I'm seriously hoping I'll be able to focus on it, so I should be okay if I keep up my momentum.
I love you.
I'll talk to chu dudes later!
Romantically, I've been busy as always, untied and untangled. I love and I am loved, but I don't belong to anyone. And I doubt I will for a long time. I have declared myself to be permanently single online, which means I get hit on a lot, especially more so now because I've gotten to be pretty freaking cute and adorable. Well alright then. xD I can handle any trouble I get into, and hey it's pretty funny sometimes....
Friendwise, I've been just as busy, finding amazing people every day or two. Socially at school I'm doing decently, spending time with my gang and chatting with a few acquaintances. So overall I'm good.
I love you kiddies, and I wish I could see myself continuing this blog but Normal Ain't Normal has been untouched for a week or so now and there's not much I can say on here anymore.....
I'm being watched too closely, so I don't want to tell everything that's going on. I guess I can't apologize for that and nor can I explain, but I will be fine. It's just that every move I make online is being monitored by some people I know so I do not really want to tell everything.
Oh yes......I'm working a lot on improving my writing skills.....I'm working on a new project that should be several hundred pages when done. I'm seriously hoping I'll be able to focus on it, so I should be okay if I keep up my momentum.
I love you.
I'll talk to chu dudes later!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Why?
Older than me
Dark eyes glaring
Orders barking
"I love you, babygirl."
What's going on?
Isn't this wrong?
Well I'm safe enough
I can get out of this easily
I just wanna run with it
For a while longer
Adam called me
For the first time
Since we broke up
Six minute call
Well.....
I stopped crying
Finally
Did my homework
Worked out
"Blasting the sh*t out of my head."
It worked
But now I'm still finding trouble
Older guys
Love
Safety? Perhaps
Dealing with this hell
Any way I can
So running
Calf Raises
Curlups
Ton of other stuff
My entire body hurts now
Well.....It's better than my heart I guess
I'm finding out every moment of every day
How much I'm cared about
How much I'm loved
It never ceases to amaze me
How cared about I am
And by so many....!
I'm okay guys
I'm okay.
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